Pay Money to My Pain

These days I kinda obsessed by statement “I resign from my job to pursue my dream”. Just thinking how it would be if “I quit from my study to pursue my dream”

Everyday, everytime, I always struggling with my own self about what I want to do and what I have to do. That kind of controversy of my inner self. Even, it maybe the very first time I talk and reveal about it here.

Some people tought me it’s not because I CAN’T accept it, but I DON’T want to accept it instead. It take me to have deep thinking so often, but in the end I think both has no different. I don’t want to accept it because I just can’t accept it, that’s all.

So many morning I woke up with frustrated moan, scream out loud to my pillow, thought I can’t do it anymore. Not this morning, and the next morning either. When I took the shower, when I get dressed, when I prepare my books and reports, when I gulp my first breakfast milk, I just want to scream out loud to nobody. That I don’t wanna do it anymore, NEVER again in my life.

But somehow I found my feet take me to train station, jostling in the middle of crowded in urge to take the train. And when the train start to move with me inside, somehow, I don’t know why and how, I got my feel all numb. Like just in few minutes ago I fought with my own self to break away and over everything, but then I feel nothing. I can’t even crying, I can’t even say anything, I can’t even do some rebellion.

First time I felt it, I thought it because I’m too coward to get over this. The twice, I thought maybe I’m too logical and thoughtful to do some stupid rebellion, but now I don’t even care which one.

I think what’s worse than feeling tired in the body, is feeling tired in the heart. I often reach home very late because so many BEM-J bussiness and meeting and briefing and blablabla. After being so passive high school student, now I know apparently being a part of student council could be tiring and stressing. But somehow I have no problem with that. I deal with it so easily. But academic bussiness frustrating me more. Not in the body, but in the heart.

So, maybe I know the causal of my heart numb. It because the over-tiredness of my heart.

Many people said to me that to take a deal with all of this, I must grow sincerity in my heart. But they don’t know, believe me, I’ve tried to do it so many times, that no one knows.

But I just can’t.

So in order to encourage and pay my hardwork, I often dressed up well just to boost up my mood and being so royal to buy myself anything I want. These simple thing often not make anything better, but it helps me to survive.
Encouraging words like: FIGHTING!!; SEMANGAT!!; BE STRONG!!; 頑張って!!, somehow that doesn’t make any sense to me anymore.

I want to run away but I have nowhere to go.
I trapped here.
I feel all numb.
I don’t feel alive.

It’s funny that I often write encouraging post in this blog but, in fact, I can’t even encourage myself.
It’s all feel like big humbug now. Such a big paradox.

PS: Dear Father, guess you’re not noticed it because I’ve been hiding it so perfectly.