Between take care of proposal this and that, meeting here and there, analysis practical now and then, and report assignments one after (or even before) another, I’m curious how could I still manage to breathe. Thus as a climax, season of practical exams come again like life doesn’t allow me to take even few minutes to relax. Just hear about that words, “Practical exams” my head become more chaotic than ever. Too chaos that I feel just… blank.
Now that I have one whole week at home before those all begin, I have more spare time (which I supposed to study but I’m not) to start figuring out everything from the very beginning.
The things that I have to do now with countless tears and sacrifice, what it is for?
What the most precious thing for me now?
What the things that right for me are?
What is matter the most for me?
What the most valuable thing on me?
What I really want for my life?
Now that I stop to listen to other people and tend to be true for myself. But, still, I can’t overcome the feeling that everyday I’m losing my precious things, one by one. Including my lifetime.
Sometimes I tried to understand about what I really thinking about, what I really wishing for. So many things I can’t understand even now. Sometimes when I walk in the street, I stop by just to see how everything is going around me. That pedicab driver, is he happy with his job? That bussiness woman, is she having a good time of her life? That laughing childs, is they already know what the meaning of life? That mother, why she still wants to have a baby eventhough the cost of living become so incredible today? That punk street-singers, did they had graduated from school or even rejected it?
And how about me? I literally have everything. A warm house, intact family, well educated, complete body parts, eat three times a day even more, but why I still has lost something in my life? However so many people with incapability, how about them? I’m really shallow as a human, right? I can’t bear with the fact that I grieving a lot while so many people out there would die to have my life.
Spending all my time almost every single hours in this week in front of laptop, somehow few answer of my questions just show itself. Like, “Yes, I know I meant to that” and “Apparently this is what I really am” and “This is the right thing for me” but when I take back myself into the reality I have to face, it just like something has seized from me rudely. When people around me talk about the future, I won’t have much to say. Why? Because I can’t stop the feeling that the right future will not come to me, ever.
Then I started to ask to myself, why I want this and not that? If it is going that case, everything would seems easier. I’m not really an open person. Afterall, if only I tell somebody, then they will reply or even giving advice, it always comes to: NO, YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND. It’s not like this. It’s not gonna happen like that, YOU ARE WRONG.
Now I understand, life is not confusing. Even, life is fair. The fairest thing that we could imagine. However, human who makes it more dificult that it really is. Like, how the power of chaotic mind could make the body fell sick eventhough the doctor couldn’t find any disease. Like my body nowadays.
If only I had surplus money, I would go to psychologist or mental therapist for sure.