My Blabber Side · My Chaotic Philosophy

Heart to Heart #1


I remember some years ago, when I still a pre-teenage girl, there is once a time I hate to be myself. That I thought being anyone else is better.

I hate my hair. I hate my face. I hate my body. I hate my school. I hate my home. I hate my parents. I hate my brothers. I hate my thoughts. I hate my abilities. I hate my brain. Simply I hate my life.

I was kind of having Inferior disease then tend to hide myself aside from the peer group. Yet, I’m naturally introvert but didn’t know anything and anyhow to settle it. I was tend to look around me and found anyone have a good life or, at least, good things in their life.

I was really an envious girl back then.

Then, I don’t really remember how, I got closer with the typical so-so girls in my junior high school back then. They are really lovely, they are caring also and have everything that I really wanted for myself, not on materials side, but more into…existence, feeling, intimacy, somethings like that. But then it became like a cliche teenage drama, that I slowly change myself in order to be fit them more. I change the way I talk, the way I look, the way I thought. Simply I forced myself to be less me. I even never visited school library since then!

Then I found another kind of girls that are totally different. At first, with the not-so-me thought, I judged them as weird and have to be anticipated. But day by day as I have a same extra class with them, like it or not, I start to observe them. And I surprised by how they could be so genuinely them. They not afraid of being misfit the peer group. And that day, I enough everything.

It’s a long long story about finding a true identity, but shortly, I started to love myself since then. I tried to find how exactly the way I think, feel, act, what I really wanted in life, and who I really want to be. I started to be more genuine.

Now I think, thats the perks of growing up. Searching the true version of ourselves could be a hard and scaring journey. But we human have to passed it all, otherwise, we cannot live a life on our own.

Me, the one you see (or this case, read) today is the most genuine version of myself. I’m no longer pretending, changing myself to be fit, or else bad.

This is me and in this big-round-edgeless world, I love to be me.


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