I came home with such a frustration. I threw away my stilettos, yes that pretty killer (in a literal way) stilettos that broke both of my banks and feet. I started rambling the kitchen, ‘I need coffee’ I said to myself. I need coffee as if I need drugs.
A little teaspoon of sugar, because I still have trauma with my father’s diabetic issue. A perfect pour of hot water. Okay, I got it. Then I brought myself up to the second stair, right into my room. Threw my bag to the corner, change my clothes into the comfort one, and boomed my room with ALL TIME LOW album. ‘Don’t Panic’, the tittle is.
As I fell to the floor and sipped my coffee, I started crying. I consumed so bad that day. It was so many people before, I had to deal with so many talks and eyes and feet that clacked the soft rug beneath me. It was a worst feeling.
But no, that’s not actually the worst, I realized.
People said that Graduation is such a merry happiness. It was all about perfect makeup, photographs, caps, flowers, doll gifts and tons of people say congrats to you. They say it was about celebration. I agree, but also disagree.
It’s true that my makeup was perfect, and my gown, and my stilettos too (except the fact that it killed my feet). I was so proud. So happy. So merry, so joyful. But deep inside I was so scared to death. The fact that I will go to the ‘real’ world, that I don’t ever wanted is killing me. Graduation means facing the new world. But for me, not that way. Not that world.
The red rose that was hand over by my junior, with a pink envelope and note in heart shape said “Happy Graduation.” It was so sweet of her. But apparently, I’m not happy.
I cried hard. My merry feeling went up to the sky, gone. I unactivated my phone, because I couldn’t handle too many social response that time. I torn, buried myself in the corner of my room. No matter how chessy it sounds.
Fast forward, two weeks later, so many of them got accepted by many related companies and starting their own real life. It was so cool of them. I nearly felt envious and jealous and about to lower my pride and started apply too. I want to get the best, like Hanah Montana said, “The Best for Both Worlds”. I wanted this, I wanted that. I wanted to get everything, I was about to be greedily blind.
But it’s about be genuine. I. You. We. Us. Everything in different shapes, comes with different manner. I realized. Let’s start talking about the right proportion, in the most realistic way.
‘If you try to sit on two chairs, you will fall between them. For life, you must choose one chair.’
It slap me, right on the face. Then I decided. I couldn’t get everything. Because we don’t mean to get everything in life. You have to sacrifice, in the most genuine manner to your heart.