My Blabber Side · My Chaotic Philosophy

Crawling Out of Insecurity

In the perspective where saying “Hi” is equivalent with saying “I still love you” to the long-missing Ex, eye-contact resemble the feeling of wearing black Abaya in the environment where people walking nude, and make a social approach giving similar nerves like a junior matador trying to conquer his first bull in the world campionship, I’m still unsure if the terms “Insecure” and “Introvert” are all the same.

Yes, I’ve been linger this kind of perspective for my lifelong 21-almost-22 years. The first sentence labelled to me when I was a little girl was “shy”, tho it’s proclaimed as expired now as I’m much more sociable in the family gatherings and other kinds of human gathering. But deep inside I’m still the same.

Now as I growing up, the definition of insecurity evolve not just revolving social tendencies, but also emotional. Tho I still debating myself whether insecurity and introversion is one unseparatable pack, I am both of it.

Am I proud? Because it sounds like that, huh? After reading a lot of books about introvert-extrovert matter, yes I am. But once I have obligation to get along with people new or diving into some new worlds, those sentences of introvert superiorities just evaporate from my brain’s dictionary. I could feel only fear. I could think only rejection, pretention, opression, anything with similar negative vibes.

Maybe because I’m too egoistic, because I think the world revolve around me thus people, too, will threat me as an only primary object to defect. What a narrow-mind it would sound.

Unfortunately, my siblings suffer the same. Meetings and gatherings and bands of people never been our cup of tea. My lil’ brother even feared the pizza man arrive in our door (believe me, because it happen just by now I writing this) as for me, my insecurities mainly come in the shape of being vulnerable and anxious.

But the world rotating in the way that you can’t comprehend, sometimes. It won’t bother to approve your insecurity or anxiety attitude. Now, now, if what you looking for are tips or solutions, here I serve you neither. Instead go to your psychologist because they aren’t hired for no reason. Here’s a little secret: I often immerse myself to the packs of human and naturally being a sociable creature then escaping myself to the restroom or toilet in certain time to talking with myself, to give myself some private room because otherwise I’ll go insane.

Beside that, I don’t have any hacks to spread to the fellow anxiety-sufferers. I think you should find yourselves or simply just locked yourself on your room and ask the pizza man to leave yours on the doormat because you’re too afraid of seeing him face-to-face.

Oh, well, apparently I have some suitable tunes to be your soundtrack as you reading this long post.


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