My Blabber Side · My Chaotic Philosophy


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I couldn’t seem to remember clearly. All I could feel is pain, literally here inside my head.

I tried to crawl out of my bed just to found out that world is rolling, everything was moving in circular motion and I swear it was the worst feeling ever.

I didn’t even fully wake up but the pain itself was so distinct already. Everything that I can feel was pain. Didn’t even think about the fact that I couldn’t made it to office today, I secretly whined on the bed. I asked God, why He gave me such this unbearable pain, What have I done wrong to Him?

Then I remember a few days ago I also cried hard. I beg Him harshly, blame Him for everything wrong, and said that I hate Him. Just like a boycott action, I was stopping my prayers and all for a few days.

So this is, I said to myself, His revenge to my impudent and insolent act. Fair enough.

Apparently, as the day was rolling, that is not the final. The next thing that doctor said to me was even far more heartbreaking.

I was so determining myself that I won’t choose, and in the same time, I won’t fall. It’s greedy I know, but aren’t we all? One thing that differs us is dedication, which I currently striving everyday to accomplish one.

Nevertheless, it was a slap on my face when the was doctor going on and on.

“Are you trying to break my determination?”

I was out of breath, luckily I able to control myself not to cry. It became so quiet, the moment I went out of the examination room. My vision was still moving in circular but slower, so albeit the pain still real, I felt better, I guess.

Enough said, it takes no long time for me to win the colosseum inside my head. I decide I will hear them no more. I am the one who will dictate myself and navigating of what I should and shoudln’t. I won’t let anyone dictate me. Not even the doctors, not even their hella prescriptions.

So, even it means numerous unbearable pains in the future, let it be.


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