English · My Blabber Side · My Chaotic Philosophy

It’s Not The Life Inside The TV but What’s With These Exceeding Dramas?

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“I cannot.” I said, everyday, again and again.

I can’t bear with the fact that I have to keep asking for what I want, what I have, what I got, and what I don’t and didn’t in everything. It’s too exhausting, I’m too exhausted to ask.

You know that feeling when you’re in a mid 20s crisis, and you even not yet reach the half of 20s? Perplexing, I know. That’s what I feel.

The title would be: Monday of self-loathing and wondering what I want in life. Except it’s not Monday, it’s everyday.

I don’t want to leave my house in the morning ever again. I don’t want to do that job ever again. I don’t want to meet these and those people ever again. I dont’t want to be in this relationship ever again. I don’t want to wake up and make a living in that small room that I rented ever again. I don’t want to be in this city ever again.

Hence the lists going on, in a satanic kind of neverending complains. Because people said, adults supposed to not complaining, they’re mature and rational enough to rationalizing everything in their rational mind. Whereas I am just a crappy childish mind who trapped in a body of 23. I hate this breakouts things and what I hate the most is the piece of my 23 yo’s mind that force the child in me to think rational.

One wanna shut the door. The other one wanna take responsiblities. One wanna going happy-go-lucky. The other one wanna be prepared and super-strategical. One just want to be happy and playing everytime everyday. The other one want to torture herself in order to achieve something massive.

“You two are so noisy, you know? Get out of my head, you making my head blown ear to ear!” I said to that child and that 23 yo’s when they starts arguing.

But apparently, if they both shut themselves up, then I’ll be shutted down too. Dead, in the other word.

I know, win-win solution is such piece of crap, isn’t it?

I never had this issue of loss and abandoned. I think I’ve used to it. Well maybe that’s not the case. But I don’t want to blame my hormonal and digestion system ever again. They maybe take a part of this roller coaster ride, but somehow the greater influence is come from the other side of the wall.

And we tried to run and hide. But it capable enough with eagle-sight and experienced well in hide-and-seek.

Ah, why it has to be despair in every seconds I tried to breathing the life, huh? You hate me enough, dear The Almighty One?

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English · My Chaotic Philosophy · My Writer Side

Heavily Attached

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I’m drunk.
I’m high.
I fly, fly, fly.
That’s worth ten gallons of champagne, million dosage of morphines.
Up in the sky of roses, and multicolored roofs, and heads that held up, wondering.

And by the time you hold my hand, tenderly.
And by the time you kiss me, sparkly.
And by the time you hug and hold me, tightly.

And since when?
Since when the needle of time is freezing, the sand is stop streaming, and the sun has gone.
So we have to wait another time that darkness and light have to fighting each other.
Rise and set, rise and set.

I’m blind.
You blind me.
The hormones, the passion, the blood that rushing through the veins.
Lust and love, fire and ice.

Yet we dancing and dancing.
Both of us in an endless melody, singing an eternal lullaby.

Kiss me again, tightly, gently.
As warm as a first sun of spring.
As beautiful as the angels flying.
As hypnotizing as a pendulum swing.

Because now, after all of this,
I’m drunk.
I’m high.
I fly, and fly, and fly.

Both of us, together.

English · My Music Geek Side

Captured Wonderland in My Head

Just watched one of the most whimsical and delicate music videos I’ve ever seen in my live. It represent how I think the Wonderland supposed to be, if it’s ever exist.

The characters, the acts, the costumes, the makeups, the slow-motion effects, the color filters, and many more. Everything just.so.beautiful.

I think I’m in love.

English · My Blabber Side · My Chaotic Philosophy

I Wondering…

How much mistakes needed until one can get it right?
How much tears needed until one can get the smile?
How much pains needed until one can get a victory?
How much scars needed until one deserve true love?
How much lies needed until one can stay on honesty?
How much jealous needed until one can be at peace?
How much insecurities needed until one can stand proudly?
How much sleepless nights needed until one can have a rest safe and sound?

How much sacrifices do we need?
To be alive.
To feel loved.
To be accepted.
To feel recognized.
To be happy.
To feel like we belong to something.

After all this time, how much sacrifices do we need?
And when will it reach to the end?

 

English · My Chaotic Philosophy

Dear, Allah.

Sometimes I think,
if You want to take my life, please do it right now.
Before I become someone who has other lives depending on me. Before I become someone whom other people feel hard to let go.
Because, afterall, You make it’s hard for me to living my life these days. Also You almost took my live away several times this week.
Because, afterall, me right now has never found someone or somewhere I belong. So it will be easier for everyone, don’t You think, Allah?