#TheMorningTales · English · My Photography Junkie

#TheMorningTales: Lingering Tangerine

According to how much I find uncomfortability about morning, the rare moment when I got up early and feeling great about it is always shocked yet amazed me. We never really goes together, me and the sun, but I managed to snap some of the beauty it left in the form of shadows trays and plays.

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Say, I might be a little bit obsessed with homey-cozy-moody photographs on pinterest. these pictures, more or less, reflect it. The slow and still life I always craving for, from some unusual corner of my parent’s house.

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I have many things to do today. A hint: I’m currently and still struggling to get my thesis done before August begin (which sounds like impossible now). Nevertheless, may your morning coffee be strong, errands be smooth, and God blesses always.

Good morning everyone!

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PS: All photos are mine so in case you’d like to repost it somewhere, a credit would be nice! 🙂

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English · My Chaotic Philosophy

There’s a Demon in My Head, and It Won’t Go away

 

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The fact that depression always crawling over and revisiting you once in a while, I think there will nothing ever the same with the fact that you keep on losing what is and who is important to you. Even Ramadan didn’t feel like it is as always, since I losing my dear aunt who has been like my second mother.

I started to feel like not being myself. I signed out from so many social circles, shut myself up in my room, being ill-mannered to people around me, shoved so many people out of my sight while at the same time crying for help.

I guess nothing will ever be the same since this state of mental illness comes to me regularly. Panicking over little things and have a neverending phase of separation anxiety is just a common circumstance nowadays. Last night, I dreamt of having everyone leaving me. I don’t know where they’re gone. What I know is, it left my sight blurred and blackout, and the next thing I know is I wake up crying.

I considered myself is an expert of life surviving through harsh reality and fate. I always had that kind of armor that I always boasting of. I forged it through the arduous years of a cycle of broke down-cried-got up-struggling-broke down again-cried again-got up again. I didn’t even need anyone back then. I was so strong that I could held myself all alone.

But apparently not this time. I still struggling to recover even after months and months and it never gets better. It’s always a constant feeling of stunted, resented, and unwanted. Even a short getaway or a meetup with friends are no longer healing, it merely a little distraction before those demons and toxic feelings caught me again.

“Recovery won’t take a long time.” A friend said to me.

Apparently, not this time.

I wondering why it creeps me in the first time, and I still can’t find the answer myself. I prefer to think that some of us will get caught in this phase called rock bottom for once in a while. Because listening to podcasts and reading about people who cope with depression almost entire time of their life makes me startled and shivering. Just a few months and I can’t seem to bear with it. How it feels like to deal with it for 25 years?

Maybe it’s my bad sleeping habit?
Maybe it’s my even worst food intake?
Maybe I’m too cruel on myself?
Or maybe I just take it the wrong way?

I tried to fix what I can fix. The majority of people doesn’t have their life put together, I’m aware. Hence maybe it just a mid-life crisis starting too early and, definitely, too extreme. I still doesn’t belong anywhere and anyone and I can’t bring myself to trust those mental helpers enough to tell them what exactly my problems are but I guess I have to try.

And I guess I should life longer.

And I guess, there’s business to be grown and taken care of, thesis to be finished, graduation to be attend, people to be fell in love with, and rejections to be winged.

Along with those demons that I should learn how to get along with.

 

English · My Blabber Side

Currently My Top-5 Phrases

1. "Me and my stupidity."
2. "LOL hahaha"
3. "Uh-oh, that's a problem."
4. "HOWWWWW???"
5. "Can I stop being so stupid, pleaseeee??"

 

Based on that phrases (that I’ve been constantly spewing every single day), could you guess on what state of life I’m currently in?

English · My Chaotic Philosophy · My Writer Side

Things That Left. Things That Dead. Things That Remains Alive.

Of things that I missed out.
Of things that I don’t get it.
Of things that are not meant to be mine.
Of things that I thought unfair.
Of things that I wondered why.
Of places that I don’t belong.
Of people that leaving me.
Of people that I bid farewell to.
Of presents that I will never sent.
Of sounds that just leaving echo.
Of loves that we’ll leave behind.
Of hopes that are doesn’t matter anymore.
English · My Blabber Side · My Chaotic Philosophy

02:00

I did it again.

I said I won’t go too hard on myself anymore, I promised myself. I said I will forgive myself. I said I will give myself the time, and chance.

But I screw it up. I ruin it over again.

The atmosphere around me always been so toxic. Everytime and everywhere I go, I feel like diving in the arsenic ocean. I feel saturated. Toxified. Poisoned.

“It’s okay, I’m cleaning up.” Everytime I crawling out of that poisonous ocean. As I’m trying to get rid of my soaked self and make it dry and nice again. But the fact is, I’m keep sliding off the water and drown. All over again.

The poison saturated me. Trapped me in this satanic cycle of anxiety and depression that I don’t even remember why. I can’t remember why it came in the first place, how and when did it happened to me eversince? All I remember now is just, it’s painful. So much painful that I’m torn apart. I’ve been trying to surviving this. I’m trying to be kind to myself. But it’s so hard.

I’m tired.
So much tired.

English · My Chaotic Philosophy

#LearnToday 13: Mind-guessing Game

“I think if I’m a game, I will be a very-fun-plus-depressing one.

Because my mind is super stochastic that is impossible to be guessed, even for me myself. Because my chronic tendency of spontaneus and surprising actions makes no one able to see what I will and wanna do.

(I even give me myself a heart attack sometimes. Like, today, for example.)”

#TheMorningTales · English · My Blabber Side

#TheMorningTales: A Rarely Beautiful 10AM

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Despite that I woke up with a lighthead, dizzy feeling and my eyebags are swolen, it surprisingly a beautiful morning. Let me tell you how it was feel like:
1. A morning in high school when you’ve finished all the exams and attending class meeting where it only contains interclasses mini sport and art tournaments. Like, no stress and no drama. Just an endless fun ahead.
2. A morning when you’ll go to tour or travelling. The only morning that I think the major of us don’t mind.
3. A morning when I have to go to rapat BEM or college organization meeting/events, back when I was in college. The morning when spirit and excitement burst out everywhere and all we can see are faces of happy laugh and determination. That’s it. A truly beautiful morning.

So I grab my keys and wallets and go to the nearest McDonalds just to have a cup of tea and pancakes. Bare-and-lack-of-sleep faced and wearing only my pajama tank top, choosing outdoor table and eating while staring at sun rays.

It was a nightmare on the night before, as always. But nightmare is just a nightmare. A beautiful morning will come after. It will be okay.

Anyway, here some earworm from Indonesian local band called Reality Club. You’re welcome.