English · My Blabber Side · My Chaotic Philosophy

Happy Birthday, A Clumsy 22-Year-Old Girl


The 22-year-old me is an introvert, an acute one. A random MBTI tests all over internet said either she is 84% or 96% introvert. If it’s true then it’s not a shocking fact as she suffered a lot from her social anxiety. She was even hide in the restroom just to catch a breath at least twice a day during her the first three months of work life.

The 22-year-old me would be a national champion of overthinking competition, if it’s any. She is a B-type which people would called a happy-go-lucky type. So basically her nature is a mix-up. An overthinker B-type, she would declare. It’s quite not easy to live in kind of state of mind which contains thousands of opposite traits and behaviours. She has to dealing with voices in her head that arguing each another everytime. That’s why practical thinking is not her style, hence it doubles up the hardness of life for her. Poor soul.

The 22-year-old me still avoiding phone calls, messages, people; glitching from responsibilities; and escaping from real life. The 15-year-old her was ever composed a song titled “Escapist”, it tells about a person who doesn’t belong anywhere and can’t handle real life, and she still think that song compatible for her personal self even until now.

The 22-year-old me was longing for a perfect romance life, everyday, everytime, tho she never verbally admit it. Being in touch with the other one whom she considered as ‘boy’ or ‘guy’ makes her awkward hence this traits often translated as a ‘cold-and-cool-and-not-interested’ trait by the person she deeply longing. What an irony.

The 22 year-old me was ever felt so depressed that she nearly got her hands to alcohol can in the groceries and even keep eyes on which cigarettes to smoke. She never drink neither smoke before as it’s encounter her principles of life. But that depression almost eat her up to bones. Luckily, she then considered yoghurt and glico pocky tastes better than alcohol and cigarettes, so, well, attempt of rebellion: failed.

The 22-year-old me still speak to her imaginary friends. Yes, she has. And not only one but SIX instead. One of them is a wolf named Pandemonium and one other is Sora from Kingdom Hearts game. People might said that she is a schizoid because she talks to herself a lot as if she actually talks to a ‘friends’. And she refused to called them ‘imaginary friends’. “They are my guardian angels”, instead she replied.

Birthday is not her thing since 5 years ago. She loves a quiet and lonely birthday where everybody forget about it and behave like usual to her. She hates surprise or party or other kind of celebration because spotlight freaking her out and make her anxious.

And this birthday, too. Except she finally leaked it out by revealing her big wish on her instagram account, which her friends apparently recognized and makes it not a ‘quiet-birthday’ anymore. But this time, no problemo.

The 22-year-old me now have become a 23-year-old me today. As the 23-year-old approaching, she anxious a LOT. She hasn’t obtain a big and meaningful thing that she thought every 23’s people has to. “I will be 23 yet I’m still an useless potato, what should I do?!”, she mumbled panickly everyday since April began. But when the day come, peculiarly everything happens just like that. It’s not painful at all. Being 23-year-old feels strangely not different as being 22-year-old.

Being 23-year-old doesn’t mean that she have to evolved to become an extroverted, and stable, and rich, and wise either. I think, she will just stay this way. People change and her, too, will unnoticedly changes. It doesn’t matter the age. Age is just a number. But the process to be a mature person can’t be started or paused right away as if you’re installing a phone app. It happens as the time goes, slowly.

Happy Birthday to her.

She has a lot and numerous cool dreams to give up now so, 23, please be nice to her.


English · My Blabber Side · My Chaotic Philosophy · Uncategorized

A Week of People Watching – Day 2


Main Story

Ain’t a great thing I found today. For another reason, so many things going through my mind that it made me focus on myself instead of other people. I failed today. I should pay attention more meticulously henceforth.



Picture credits from someone on tumblr a long time ago (I forget the ID).
Please message me to claim if it’s yours.

English · My Blabber Side · My Chaotic Philosophy · People Watching

A Week of People Watching – Day 1



People never been my interest. Beside I’m naturally a social anxiety sufferer, external emotions that people showed up always feels like a massive attack for me, overwhelming and smothering. So in return, I always pay attention more to what they wear instead of what expressions they show up.

Not trying to be a sartorialist, but I am one of those people who believes that what you wear, a little bit, show up who you are. So I put a lot of interest in paying attention of what people are wearing in order to guess what kind of person they are or what things do they concern in.

But psychology is one of my interest among my other countless interests (which Emilie Wapnick on her TEDtalk called it ‘Multipotentialite’, maybe, due to my endless interest in sphoradical fields haha!), so emphasize more about human is a must-do idea since first I read Sigmund Freud.

Hence I made a rule for myself started this week (1 March, to be exact) about paying attention to people’s emotions in order to  gain a lot more knowledge about human.



Main Story

What surprised me today is apparently a lot of sad, and fear, and sad, and sad again. I admitted that living in a capital city like Jakarta where social and economical gap is figuratively like compare between plantae kingdom with animalia kingdom, extremely distant. And it cause pressures everywhere.

If sad could illustrated as a dark aura and fear as a violet one, all I could see today was just dark and violet spreading in the atmosphere. Mainly from people in the sidewalk, small stall sellers on pedestrian path, and guys with motorbike which stopping in red light.

But this evening in my way back home from work, I stopped at kebab stall nearby home and I see a young mom with her cute little daughter that look so much like her. The young mom wearing (oh yeah well I do the clothes observation again I cant help 😦 ) blue chiffon top, legging with denim pattern which I hate, and a blue crocs slingback flats which I hate too.

God knows how much I hate this thing 😦

She and her little daughter bought the kebab too and in the middle of the meal waiting, she spoke with a guy in motorbike that turns out her husband. What convince me is, I see a genuine love and excitement from her. That was the best feeling ever to finally see a positive gestures among the negative emotions spread in the air.

But instead of replied his wife with the same affection, I just see nothing from him. He just sat there, played with his phone and smiled once in a while. I wonder what made him smile to a phone instead of his wife? A job promotion maybe? Or a common friends jokes in the whatsapp group maybe?



Excited to see what kind of feeling and expressions we’ll discover tomorrow, don’t you too?


People image credits to: pexels.com
Crocs image credist to: someone at ebay.com

English · My Blabber Side · My Chaotic Philosophy · My Writer Side

Strive, Conquer, and Else


Just everytime. I gets too emotional. Flood of Emotions.

A mental breakdown. Huge disappointment. Tired. Fear. Excite. Anger. Laugh. Perplexed.

Coward. Swirling. Comes gliding across the sky. Swim in the terrace. Knocking in. Bash the door.

Somehow a revelation. Awakening. Bright. Like a sun. Dancing. Shining. Shimmering.

The hope. The dreams. A good visualization in the head and mind. Flowing through the veins. Bringing all the life. Soul gets pumped. Energized.

I can’t really describe, nor giving example and illustration. It just…. something. Not losing nor gaining. Or maybe both losing and gaining.

I’m not talk in rhymes, not even trying. I just can’t figured out the order of the words. It’s messy right here. Everything is mixed. The colors blend into one. I’m blackout. Either full or blank. Or in between. Or none of those.

I listen to some songs. Not to facilitating the emotional conditions. Just needed some melodical tones. To make the colors less dark, to saturating. Merely as backsound. Eventho an unrelated backsound. The score director must be a worst one. I am the worst one.

Thus we catch the breath. Living in vacumm space. We scream, we light up. It’s undesirable, this kind of roaller coaster. All I can feel is just a banging head. Beating motion.

I’m in the middle of vertigo. Your eyes moves diagonally. Your voice draw a circular shape in the air. Try to catch it up, the hands grasp in between of tremors. I can’t, I said to you.

And I cry.

And I cry.

And I cry.

And the sea formed, hence we sail upon it.

Row, row, row.

Row, row, row.





Image credits to Jenny at Flickr.com

Bahasa · My Blabber Side · My Chaotic Philosophy

Personifikasi Waktu

Jika “Waktu” adalah makhluk hidup, tidakkah kau bertanya-tanya seperti apa rupanya? Apakah gendernya wanita atau pria? Tua atau muda? Menyenangkan atau tidak?

Hum, mengingat sikapnya yang sangat keras kepala dan tidak mau mengalah, kutebak dia wanita. Namun berhubung para wanita seringkali mengklaim kaum pria adalah makhluk yang tidak sensitif dan anti-kemapanan, yang mana sangat menggambarkan Waktu secara keseluruhan, kupikir dalam waktu bersamaan Waktu juga adalah seorang pria.


Tunggu sebentar.

Jika aku memilih bahwa Waktu adalah wanita maupun pria, tidakkah kau berpikir itu membuatnya terdengar sebagai salah satu dari kaum transgender yang masih ramai dijadikan perdebatan antara para liberalis dan fundamentalis? Aku bukannya mau mengambil salah satu sisi antara pro dan kontra itu, aku hanya tidak mau Waktu ikut menjadi bahan perdebatan mereka.

Namun jika Waktu adalah wanita, pasti keturunan Hawa itu akan girang dan melonjak-lonjak setengah mati. Berpikir bahwa dunia benar-benar berada di telapak kaki mereka dan dengan mudah memperbudak kaum lelaki sambil berkata angkuh “Kau mencoba mempermainkanku, hah? Kusuruh Waktu mengutukmu langsung jadi tua bangka, baru tahu rasa kau!” Sementara jika kuputuskan Waktu adalah pria, ah, betapa akan kacaunya dunia ini. Makhluk maskulin berego tinggi itu bisa menyalahgunakannya untuk apa saja. Contohnya, yah, kau taulah apa.

Ah, atau begini saja, kuputuskan bahwa Waktu adalah gender yang baru, tidak berkiblat baik ke wanita atau pun pria. Kita namakan saja gender Waktu tersebut sebagai Gender Baru, dengan huruf kapital untuk “G” dan “B”-nya. Apabila kau sudah menemukan sebutan yang tepat untuk Gender Baru itu, silakan katakan saja ya, biar kita bisa pertimbangkan bersama nanti.

Menurut pikiranku, Waktu adalah makhluk hidup yang dapat bergerak sama normalnya seperti kau dan aku. Dia terdiri dari kepala, badan, tangan, dan kaki. Hum, sebetulnya aku mau saja mengurut ulang komponen-komponen itu menjadi susunan acak, supaya karakter Waktu kita lebih seru jadinya. Namun menurut hemat Tuhan sesuai dengan ilmu ergonomi yang diciptakan-Nya sendiri, setiap komponen tersebut telah terspesialisasi sesuai dengan fungsinya masing-masing dan harus diletakkan di posisi yang tepat untuk menghindarkan gangguan yang mungkin muncul di masa depan. Jadi, yah, lebih baik dituruti sajalah. Tahu sendiri jika Ia sudah marah, lumayan menyeramkan juga kan.

Kubayangkan, Waktu adalah makhluk yang akan semakin tua dan sakit-sakitan apabila makhluk lainnya melanggar aturan jadwal yang telah ditetapkan. Pandangan matanya akan menjadi minus nol koma lima tiap ada anak manusia yang telat bangun pagi, sehelai rambutnya akan berubah menjadi putih tiap ada bangau yang telat bermigrasi musim dingin, satu giginya akan tanggal jika ada presiden yang telat menghadiri upacara kemerdekaan negaranya sendiri.

Oleh karena itu, Waktu sangat membenci makhluk lain–makhluk apa saja selain dirinya–yang suka terlambat dan membuang-buang waktu karena membuatnya semakin hari menjadi renta, sementara ia pun juga menjadi makhluk yang paling dibenci seantero jagat raya ini karena hobinya marah-marah dan menunjuk hidung siapa saja yang ia pikir tidak efisien hidupnya.

Aku membayangkan Waktu memiliki dua mulut dan satu telinga. Orang berkata bahwa kita dianugerahi satu mulut dan dua telinga karena kita diharapkan untuk lebih banyak mendengar dibanding berbicara, namun hal itu tak berlaku untuk Waktu karena ia tak butuh banyak mendengar. Satu mulut Waktu berfungsi layaknya mikrofon khusus jarum jam. Dia selalu berbunyi “Tik, tik, tik, tik….” di setiap detik yang terlewati serta berteriak-teriak “PUKUL DUA TEPAT!!!” ketika kombinasi jarumnya menunjuk angka dua dan dua belas. Satu mulutnya lagi berguna untuk berbicara–atau lebih tepatnya, mengomel–secara normal. Bagi Waktu, bicara itu lebih penting daripada mendengarkan, karena Waktu selalu benar dan aturan-aturannya bersifat absolut, tidak peduli apa kata orang.

Waktu memiliki hidung yang sangat runcing, lebih runcing daripada nenek sihir mana pun yang bisa kau temukan di cerita dongeng (atau mungkin juga dunia nyata, siapa tahu penyihir itu betulan hidup), mungkin ukurannya sekitar dua inci lebih runcing dari hidung teruncing yang kau tahu. Di mana hidung itu berfungsi untuk menambahkan penegasan dramatis ketika ia mengangkat dagunya tinggi-tinggi dan menatapmu dengan pandangan menyalahkan karena kau bangun pagi 10 detik lebih lama dari yang seharusnya.

Tapi seberapa pun orang-orang menyakiti Waktu baik sadar atau tidak, Waktu tidak akan bisa mati. Jika tubuhnya sudah porak-poranda dan tak memungkinkannya hidup lebih lama, Waktu baru yang masih muda akan menjelma menggantikan Waktu lama yang telah jompo, dengan membawa sifat dan pengetahuan sama persis seperti sosok Waktu yang lama, terus begitu hingga entah sampai kapan.

Waktu sesungguhnya telah berusia tua sekali, bahkan dicurigai Waktu telah ada saat bumi ini masih dalam tahap pembangunan. Oleh karena itulah dapat dikatakan Waktu adalah saksi hidup dari semua peristiwa penting di dunia. Banyak peneliti, arkeolog, ilmuwan, atau orang-orang yang hanya ingin tahu, datang berbondong-bondong ke hadapan Waktu, bertanya ini-itu sampai mulut mereka berbusa-busa. Sayangnya kebanyakan mereka semua akan pulang dengan tangan hampa karena Waktu tidak dapat memberikan jawaban yang mereka harapkan.

Orang-orang seringkali berkata “Biar Waktu yang akan menjawab,” namun kenyataannya, Waktu tidak bisa menjawab pertanyaan-pertanyaan yang berhubungan atau akan berakibat pada masa depan. Contohnya, jika kau bertanya apakah Neil Armstrong, Michael Collins, dan Edwin Aldrin benar-benar mendarat di bulan tahun 1969, maka Waktu tidak akan menjawabnya sekalipun ia tahu. Begitu juga dengan kasus kematian Napoleon Bonaparte yang masih diperdebatkan apakah disebabkan racun arsenik atau kanker gastritis, karena dengan diketahuinya kenyataan sebenarnya maka akan ada perdebatan atau pertarungan di masa depan. Hal itulah, sesuatu yang dapat berdampak pada masa depan, yang berada di luar kuasa Waktu. Karena meskipun Waktu memegang kendali atas waktu yang sedang berjalan, ia tidak memiliki kendali atas masa depan.

Namun apabila kau bertanya tentang seperti apakah hari di mana kau dilahirkan, atau berapakah jumlah tentara salib yang mati akibat perang salib maka dia akan menjawabnya (tentu apabila pertanyaanmu dan jawaban darinya untuk pertanyaanmu itu tidak mengganggunya untuk berteriak mengumumkan jam dan mengomeli kereta yang telat seperlima detik dari jadwal) dengan singkat, padat, dan jelas.

Namun di luar itu semua, seperti yang sudah kukatakan, Waktu memegang kendali atas waktu yang tengah berjalan. Ketika kau merasa bahwa waktu berlalu begitu cepat atau terlalu lambat, kau tidak sadar bahwa saat itu Waktu memang sedang memainkan kecepatan putaran jamnya. Tujuannya bermacam-macam, dan mungkin beberapa di antaranya tidak dapat kau pahami. Seringkali ia mempercepat waktu untuk mendidikmu bagaimana mengefisiensikan hidup, atau juga memperlambat waktu untuk memberimu kesempatan belajar lebih banyak (atau juga memperlambat jam pulang kerjamu saat kau sedang bosan-bosannya, karena dia kesal segaris kerutan muncul di wajahnya saat kau terlambat mengantarkan anak perempuanmu ke sekolah).

Sesungguhnya, di luar perangainya yang menyebalkan dan tidak kenal toleransi itu, Waktu adalah makhluk yang sangat baik hati. Ini hanya tentang bagaimana caramu memperlakukannya dan memperlakukan dirimu sendiri. Karena ketika kau melukai Waktu, secara tak langsung kau sedang melukai dirimu dan masa depanmu sendiri.

Jika “Waktu” adalah makhluk hidup, humm, sepertinya hidup ini akan cukup menyusahkan juga jadinya.

English · My Blabber Side · My Movie Freak Side

#MovieMonday – Stoker (2013)


Rating: 6.8 (IMDb)
Genre: Thriller, drama
Cast: Mia Wasikowska (India Stoker), Matthew Goode (Charlie Stoker), Nicole Kindman (Evie Stoker)
Director: Park Chan-Wook
Music: Clint Mansell
Wardrobe: Kurt and Bart
: 2013


Finally a first edition of #MovieMonday tag that I planned to be one of regular review tag project every Monday!

Truth to be told, when I wrote my last #CurrentObsession post (the one that involved several titles of movie) I had been watched this film for, like, three times, and still can’t get enough with this.

Main Story

Stoker basically is a bewitching grotesque movie that is nowhere near your common thriller movies. Stoker doesn’t involved any ghosts or spiritual appearances or vampire and any other kinds of blood-sucker creatures, as first I though it named after Bram Stoker and the story would swirling around another version of Count Dracul. Apparently I was wrong.

A little synopsis before the review, the story goes after India Stoker, an innocent young woman whose beloved father died in an unknown accident, right in her 18th birthday, leave her live only with her estranged-yet-miserable mother, in a such a fine house in a forest-y desolated landscape. A long-unknown man acclaimed as her uncle come in her father’s funeral day and since then, this movie plays a triangle between Evie the mum, Charlie the uncle, and India the child/niece.

If I could describe the three things that draws this movie well, I’ll pick up 60’s velvet vintage dress, indigo baroque wallpapers, and vintage rolleiflex TLR camera, because those are what this movie tastes like.

It frames victorian-styled family in the middle of modern life of 18 century with all of their oddness and melanchony. The setting is gorgeous and the wardrobes ellegantly potrays a fine family that seems not willing to dip the same stream with normality around them.

Stoker movie goes not in a packs of antagonists versus protagonists type. Instead it sets unbalanced grey characters that swinging easily in unpredictable ways. The director successfully linger every one of each character’s emotions as well as spectrum of tensions captured in a deep and psychotic behaviours.

The casts embrace the film really well, I think. Mia Wasikowska fairly potray a vulnerable yet anomalish 18-years old girl that have an abnormal ability of senses, Nicole Kindman playing a bitchy-lavish-lonely woman that crawling her own existence upon her daughter disapproval, and Matthew Goode grab the attention as a misteriously charming uncle with a maniac and possesively psychotic persona underneath.

Not to mention the music score is captivating in every frame and automatically being the most supportive element of tension building itself.

I won’t say this is perfect or masterpiece, beside that I’m not really capable to write a valid review, also because the film opened by India stating her ability of sensing every each smallest details of what people are not capable to sense. But let alone that statement in the face only because it’s not explored as well as she supposed to be.

And the fact that character by character could be vanished easily to give the main hero and heroines spaces to form a big triangle, as if the audiences will not overthinking this as a plot hole, is kind of resentful.

But above all, psychological thriller is my thing and I thought this is one of a few that caught my attention as a movie.


‘ve said that music score for this is depressingly beautiful, so for one whole week, this song is played in my ears over and over again countless time, even when I write this review. Don’t know if it’s your thing, but I though you have to listen this too, it’s hauntingly addictive