English · My Blabber Side · My Chaotic Philosophy

Pursuing Our True Selves

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“I’m really really really a showbiz person, you know, Lad?!”, she said that day. On the late afternoon of 24 December at our office room in 2016, where it was just the two of us (everybody else is out on their meetings), wrapping presents for office’s Secret Santa event that will be held on the evening.

She blurted that out when we’re talking about career, life projections, goals, and something like that. I know, such a high quality topic amidst pile of glittery wrapping paper and clear tapes on our fingers, right?

Actually, I didn’t (and still don’t) know what she means with ‘showbiz person’. What’s showbiz means anyway? But she likes modelling and acting and that kind of stuff so I assume showbiz means something to do with spotlights, costumes, script-reading, acting, and light-camera-action. Am I even close to it? No? Okay.

As much as I held myself not to ask her what showbiz means (because sometimes I’m a stupid potato and prone to embarassed myself), I already familiar with the feeling underneath her words. It felt like I can already hear she went on “I don’t care about going to the same place from Monday all the way though Friday, from nine to five, doing the same thing, meeting the same people, deal with the same bullshit—“ and on and on. Yeah, I’m extremely familiar with that.

“When I was a little girl, I always wanted to be a news anchor! They sounds really cool and bonafide and all!” She continued with the same sparkle in her eyes. Ugh, so bright. Despite that she is a pretty humanbeing that sure will makes every male bend their knees to her instantly, people will always look more attractive when they’re talk honest about things they love. So for her case, the brightness level is doubled up. Like a venus with gold halo up on her head. Don’t look at her, you’ll be blind.

About things that we talked about later, I don’t remember. I believe it included some office gossips, or which presents box that we targetted on or whether I’ve ever smoke or drink alcohol (just a clarification: I NEVER) or anything else. But she already made clear the reason why she left the office 5 months later (after just working there for 7 months). She wants to chase her passion.

Familiar phrase. Familiar feeling.

Now, nearly eight months later, her face is familiar in youtube cinemascape and indie filmscape. she plays in some mini sitcom by a local magazine, starred in an indie movie, been a model of some local fashion brands, an actress on a local band’s new music video. She nailed it, right in front of everyone’s face.

I still don’t know what’s showbiz means, maybe I’m just too lazy to google an oxford dictionary. But by seeing her, I think now a little bit I know, I can figure it out, finally.

And that’s a story about chasing a passion. Another story about gambling with life and fight for the what one’s believe. A story about pursuing our very, very, true selves of us.

English · My Blabber Side · My Chaotic Philosophy

Count Me In!


I woke up early today, like, really. Intented to start morning run regularly (blame him because he honestly and innocently said I’m become fatter 😦 ) but it was raining so the plan has to be cancelled (yay) and I went back to snuggle in my white Ikea blanket and scrolling the instagram.

Instagram always become such a pinterest, youtube, and google for me in one nice pack. There’s a reason why my following number is one-thousand-something and it keeps growing. That particular social media platform is become like a creative web where an artist or creative people with creative ideas linked each other and become a wide source of inspiration.

I love instagram, I really do.


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So the thing is, I spent this morning to diligently sourcing and researching to create my own business. And it does feel right.

Every morning I constantly said that I don’t wanna work to other people anymore. I don’t need people telling me what to do in order to enrich other people’s business. Every. Single. Morning.

I want to do it myself, my own way. And no matter how.

So I gathered up every single pieces of puzzles and wondering how to get there and how to do it. And I’m swear it just the best feeling in the world.

I also found such a great account called Blueboot Farm which I instantly screenshot and sent to my boyfriend because it suits our educational background so well. I blabbered about it a lot just in a short time that he might be rolled his eyes and mumbled “here we go again…” when he read my chats.

Yes, beside impulsive, I’m also that irritating.

But guess what, the positive feeling pushed me to stand up and rise up with 1000% energy and went work happily. It seems like my whole life become much clearer and I can see what’ll coming. Such a nice nice feeling.



So, well, fellow local business owners, prepare to greet me because soon I’ll jump in to the game and have fun together.

I’m in!

English · My Blabber Side · My Chaotic Philosophy

It’s Not The Life Inside The TV but What’s With These Exceeding Dramas?


“I cannot.” I said, everyday, again and again.

I can’t bear with the fact that I have to keep asking for what I want, what I have, what I got, and what I don’t and didn’t in everything. It’s too exhausting, I’m too exhausted to ask.

You know that feeling when you’re in a mid 20s crisis, and you even not yet reach the half of 20s? Perplexing, I know. That’s what I feel.

The title would be: Monday of self-loathing and wondering what I want in life. Except it’s not Monday, it’s everyday.

I don’t want to leave my house in the morning ever again. I don’t want to do that job ever again. I don’t want to meet these and those people ever again. I dont’t want to be in this relationship ever again. I don’t want to wake up and make a living in that small room that I rented ever again. I don’t want to be in this city ever again.

Hence the lists going on, in a satanic kind of neverending complains. Because people said, adults supposed to not complaining, they’re mature and rational enough to rationalizing everything in their rational mind. Whereas I am just a crappy childish mind who trapped in a body of 23. I hate this breakouts things and what I hate the most is the piece of my 23 yo’s mind that force the child in me to think rational.

One wanna shut the door. The other one wanna take responsiblities. One wanna going happy-go-lucky. The other one wanna be prepared and super-strategical. One just want to be happy and playing everytime everyday. The other one want to torture herself in order to achieve something massive.

“You two are so noisy, you know? Get out of my head, you making my head blown ear to ear!” I said to that child and that 23 yo’s when they starts arguing.

But apparently, if they both shut themselves up, then I’ll be shutted down too. Dead, in the other word.

I know, win-win solution is such piece of crap, isn’t it?

I never had this issue of loss and abandoned. I think I’ve used to it. Well maybe that’s not the case. But I don’t want to blame my hormonal and digestion system ever again. They maybe take a part of this roller coaster ride, but somehow the greater influence is come from the other side of the wall.

And we tried to run and hide. But it capable enough with eagle-sight and experienced well in hide-and-seek.

Ah, why it has to be despair in every seconds I tried to breathing the life, huh? You hate me enough, dear The Almighty One?

Bahasa · My Blabber Side · My Chaotic Philosophy

How To Upgrade Your Life


I had the feeling that today would be a great day. Didn’t know why and how. I just had that feeling. And apparently, so it is.


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If you started speculating this and that happened today, NOPE, you wrong. Because what? Because today is surprisingly, extremely nothing spectacular. On the contrary of that, it actually pretty sucks if I think about it now. I mean, it CAN BE suck, but guess what, I make it not.

And It isn’t because SOMETHING HAPPENED. It’s because I, myself, MAKE IT HAPPEN.

Today I learnt that, to upgrade your life into a better one actually don’t require series of happiness or extraordinary events. You just have to make the most of your time, make yourself useful, and as simple as that.

And what I did today were:

  1. I crossed all of my to-do list in work today. Like, I crossed EVERYTHING. And it means, I did A LOT. Just knew that it could be the best feeling EVER. Like the combination of satisfication for yourself and the thought of you being a valuable and dedicated worker. Plus, a proud feeling that you used your time wisely. If your day-to-day jobdesk is as sporadical as me (means you have to do this and that, here and there, and most of them don’t related each other) nothing beats that, believe me.
  2. I only ate two times today, and both are vegan, healthy meals! I usually have a massive appetite, I can eat 4-5 times a day, and most of them are junkfoods. So when I choose to be healthy and normal (a normal appetite, I mean) it feels euphoric!
  3. I did my college homework done. It actually due on Saturday, and it just Monday today. Adios, the mistress-of-procrastination me!
  4. I practicing 2 of 4 song material of my piano class in Saturday. I actually had to do it since last week, whereas why I have to get my ass out now. Last week I was a lazy girl who procrastinated too much and now, no more excuse.
  5. I always did something non-stop today. And by the way I said that, it means I always had something I do. No time for laying around scrolling instagram or online window shopping or other useless things that kills my time, no. It actually pretty hard, as I always forget everything, I always forget things that I suppose to do because I have a short-term memory, a real-life Dory. So it kind of hard to repeating and mumbling something to myself over and over again “After this, I have to do A, then B, then C. Don’t forget, do A then B then C, do A then B then C, ….” but it’s works, and it worth!

And by the way I able to optimizing my time, my day becomes great by itself. I didn’t have something that happen , I MADE something happen.

As the digital world went big nowadays, it so easy to have our time consumed, and social media life apparently can be quite toxic. But I learnt today that doing a REAL thing could balance it.



Oh, and by the way, I write on blog today, after dissapeared for a long time.

A big plus, isn’t it?