English · My Blabber Side

Currently My Top-5 Phrases

1. "Me and my stupidity."
2. "LOL hahaha"
3. "Uh-oh, that's a problem."
4. "HOWWWWW???"
5. "Can I stop being so stupid, pleaseeee??"

 

Based on that phrases (that I’ve been constantly spewing every single day), could you guess on what state of life I’m currently in?

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English · My Blabber Side · My Chaotic Philosophy

02:00

I did it again.

I said I won’t go too hard on myself anymore, I promised myself. I said I will forgive myself. I said I will give myself the time, and chance.

But I screw it up. I ruin it over again.

The atmosphere around me always been so toxic. Everytime and everywhere I go, I feel like diving in the arsenic ocean. I feel saturated. Toxified. Poisoned.

“It’s okay, I’m cleaning up.” Everytime I crawling out of that poisonous ocean. As I’m trying to get rid of my soaked self and make it dry and nice again. But the fact is, I’m keep sliding off the water and drown. All over again.

The poison saturated me. Trapped me in this satanic cycle of anxiety and depression that I don’t even remember why. I can’t remember why it came in the first place, how and when did it happened to me eversince? All I remember now is just, it’s painful. So much painful that I’m torn apart. I’ve been trying to surviving this. I’m trying to be kind to myself. But it’s so hard.

I’m tired.
So much tired.

#TheMorningTales · English · My Blabber Side

#TheMorningTales: A Rarely Beautiful 10AM

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Despite that I woke up with a lighthead, dizzy feeling and my eyebags are swolen, it surprisingly a beautiful morning. Let me tell you how it was feel like:
1. A morning in high school when you’ve finished all the exams and attending class meeting where it only contains interclasses mini sport and art tournaments. Like, no stress and no drama. Just an endless fun ahead.
2. A morning when you’ll go to tour or travelling. The only morning that I think the major of us don’t mind.
3. A morning when I have to go to rapat BEM or college organization meeting/events, back when I was in college. The morning when spirit and excitement burst out everywhere and all we can see are faces of happy laugh and determination. That’s it. A truly beautiful morning.

So I grab my keys and wallets and go to the nearest McDonalds just to have a cup of tea and pancakes. Bare-and-lack-of-sleep faced and wearing only my pajama tank top, choosing outdoor table and eating while staring at sun rays.

It was a nightmare on the night before, as always. But nightmare is just a nightmare. A beautiful morning will come after. It will be okay.

Anyway, here some earworm from Indonesian local band called Reality Club. You’re welcome.

English · My Blabber Side · My Chaotic Philosophy · My Movie Freak Side

#MovieMonday – A Beautiful Mind, and some others.

https://thesouloftheplot.files.wordpress.com/2015/01/poster_abeautifulmind.jpg?w=663

Rating: 8.2 (IMDb)
Genre: Drama, biography, life
Cast: Russel Crowe (John Nash), Ed Harris (Parcher), Jennifer Connelly (Alicia Nash), Paul Bettany (Charles)
Director: Ron Howard
Music: James Horner
Wardrobe: Rita Ryack
Released: 2001

 

Just barely finish this movie and I’m still trembling now. Before it begin, let me warn you that I would be spoiling too much here.

I won’t intrinsically review it like any other #MovieMonday post so I’m not considering this as a usual one.  In fact, I shouldn’t write this also, considering thesis study I supposed to do. I mean, look at my dekstop situation: thesis reference on the left and the movie playing on the right, at the same time.

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Nevertheless, basically this movie tells about a story of John Nash, a mathematician genius who pursuing his doctoral study in Princeton University and seems to outcast himself.

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His eccentrically and peculiar behaviour and mind lead him to an acute schizophrenia where he starts delusioning about being State’s secret cryptography agents and imaginary people appears.

2

This is not a thriller or horror movie, but for me, it’s terribly frightening, because what happened to John Nash, I’ve encountering that too. And this is the main reason why I write this post. A schizophrenic delusions of people who are not exist? I scored that.

Have I told you I have so many imaginary friends? Or in my case, I called them guardian angels? Yes. I’ve wrote in my last year’s birthday note here.

John Nash has two imaginary friends: Charles and her niece, Marcee. And a so-called imaginary colleague agent: Parcher. While I have six. The first one I ‘met’ in junior high school time, where I experienced a not-a-bullied bullying (you maybe confused but yeah, that was happened and I dont wanna talk about it). Hence as years passed by, life becomes hard and shit happens and before I realize, they grow outnumbered. Some was born in my loneliness, some in my hatred and sadness, some other in my lowest and rock bottom conditions. One of them is a wolf named Pandemonium, and one of them is Sora, from Kingdom Hearts game.

My resemblance with John’s circumstances is what makes me trembling. The only fortune I have, is I know what I’m thinking is not real. I talk to them, they talk back to me in my head, we’re interact so much almost everyday, especially when the times get hard and I started to encountered a severe anxiety or a minor frustration. But I know they are not real. While John cannot differ which is reality and which is delusion. But knowing there’s apparently a possibility schizophrenia can grows into that acute state, it terrifies me.

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The fact that I feel connected to the relationship of Charles and John since the very first time is also plays a big role. Even before I knew Charles is an imagination. I’m familiar with the feeling of someone who always attached with, supports, and emotionally protecting you in so many ways on so many levels in life, more than parents, or lover, or best friend can do. Because that’s whats my guardian angels doing to me, every time.

45But what makes this story beautiful is John tries to heal himself and people start recognizes his lifetime hardwork in mathematics and a Nobel Prize landed in his crown. I’m not usually cries for movies, but I cried on this part. Hahah

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This is actually the first time ever I opened up and being honest about it. Why it has to be here instead of my diary or private notes, I don’t know. Maybe because this blog plays a lot on my growing phase and personal well-being? And tho I state my blog address in all of my social medias, I always think my real friends better not read this blog at all because this is my personal space, my sanctuary (in fact, I always wishing that none of my real friends ever click on my blog because therefore they would know that they’re befriends with a person with uneven mentality like me).

But anyway, to be honest, it such a beautiful film with a beautiful story (unless you encountered the similar imaginary life, then you might be find it slightly terrifying).

It just brought me to thinking, if I know that my circumstances is merely an imagination and they are just a delusional objects, would it makes me categorized as a schizoid too? I’m still talking to the air, almost everyday, is that it means I suffer a schizophrenia, eventho I still aware of which is real and which is not? Or am I just a completely normal person searching for an escape? And they are my objects to escape into?

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Bahasa · My Blabber Side · My Chaotic Philosophy

Mendebat Tuhan

“Aku pernah berbicara dengan Tuhan.”

Hening sejenak menguasai jeda seraya desau badai angin di malam bulan Desember berputar-putar tanpa suara di luar jendela. Panah di monitor bergeming di tempatnya, seolah terlalu mengantuk untuk bergerak. Hanya bunyi jam dinding yang menyusup relung hampa dengan gema sayup dramatis.

Klik. Klik. Klik. Klik.

“Kau bukan setan, kan?”

“Bukan, bukan. Aku tidak berbicara dengan-Nya di dunia akhirat sana.”

“Lantas?”

“Bulan Desember, pukul dua malam, tepat hari ini, dua tahun yang lalu.”

“Dia mengunjungimu di mimpi?”

“Tidak. Aku berbicara dengan-Nya lewat situs obrolan elektronik, seperti kita sekarang.”

“Hahahahaha. Lucu sekali. Tak kusangka kau jago berkelakar.”

“Kau pikir aku bercanda?”

“Baiklah, anggap Dia memang betul-betul Tuhan. Lalu apa yang kalian obrolkan?”

“Lucunya, saat itu aku sedang memprotes habis-habisan tentang logika dan hukum yang diciptakan oleh-Nya.”

“Apa Dia marah?”

“Tidak, Dia tertawa.”

“Ternyata Tuhan punya watak yang lumayan santai juga ya.”

“Sebenarnya, setelah dipikir-pikir, aku berharap punya kesempatan berbicara dengan-Nya lagi.”

“Tentang?”

“Komplain internal.”

“Misalnya?”

“Dipikirnya lucu membuat seseorang jatuh bangun sampai berdarah-darah lalu susah payah menyembuhkan diri namun kemudian dijatuhkan kembali sampai setengah mati? Atau ketika seseorang menggantungkan hidup dan matinya pada sesuatu, namun hal itu dicabut begitu saja darinya? Kau tahu apa yang lebih buruk dari pembunuhan? Yaitu pembunuhan tanpa membunuh. Dibiarkan sekarat hingga mati sendiri. Dipikirnya itu lucu?”

“Mungkin dari persepsi Tuhan itu cukup lucu. Siapa yang tahu?”

“Tidak ada yang lucu dengan mempermainkan hidup orang lain.”

“Tidak ada istilah ‘mempermainkan hidup orang lain’ jika kau adalah Tuhan.”

“Kau terlalu positif.”

“Kau terlalu skeptis.”

“Dan Tuhan terlalu dekonstruktif.”

“Setiap orang menunjukkan afeksinya dengan cara yang berbeda-beda, dan dalam hal ini kau membicarakan Tuhan. Tentu saja sebagai Tuhan, Tuhan sudah sepantasnya punya pola pikir sendiri, bukan?”

“Berarti, kata ‘dekonstruktif’ bukanlah istilah yang tepat. Melainkan ‘sok elitis’.”

“Kau akan sendirinya menjadi elitis jika kau adalah sebuah entitas dengan kekuatan Mahabesar.”

“Jika aku adalah sebuah entitas berkekuatan Mahabesar, aku akan membiarkan makhlukku hidup bahagia dan tidak menciptakan emosi-emosi negatif yang ada. Hidup sudah cukup sulit tanpa perlu Dia tambah dramatis lagi. Kau tahu? Aku berharap Dia dapat sehari saja merasakan jadi manusia biasa tanpa kekuatan super-Nya. Hanya untuk mengetahui betapa sulit rasanya dipermainkan takdir.”

“Ah, jadi daripada ‘menyamar menjadi manusia’, lebih baik ‘menjadi manusia’ saja, begitu?”

“Hanya jika Dia tidak terlalu egois dan sok elitis.”

“Sebenarnya, itu justru ide yang bagus.”

“Yeah, tentu—tunggu, apa maksudmu dengan menyamar? Jangan bilang—”

“Selalu senang bicara denganmu. Sekarang, maupun dua tahun yang lalu.”

Hening tanpa ampun menyela menguasai jeda seraya desau badai angin di malam bulan Desember berputar-putar tanpa suara di luar jendela. Hanya jam dinding yang mengerik melatarbelakangi jantung yang berdetak bukan kepalang.

Dag. Dug. Dag. Dug.

English · My Blabber Side · My Chaotic Philosophy

To The Better Days Before

When I was younger, about 19 to 21, curing anxiety is always been that easy. Either it’s books, or drawing, watching movies, or severe band fangirling, any of that and around will works. Eventhough those three years are the hardest, used to be the hardest.

Now it doesnt work anymore. And I just realized, everytime the massive wave of anxiety and frustrations hit me, my stomach will react with the same stress. Causing pain and producing acidity in a level that my body can’t hold on anymore. I think that’s why I got ulcer, and in the same time, having my immunity goes down hence all the diseases and illness comes in a neverending series.

I just wondering, why it never be the same? I suffer the same anxiety and frustration on the older days, why it was easy to escape before? Why it doesn’t work now?

English · My Blabber Side

Night.

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I hate this.

I hate when the clock strikes 2 AM yet still I can’t close my eyes. I hate when this familiar yet frustrating feeling coming upon and attacking me. I hate this sense of separation anxiety, loneliness, insecurity, inferiority complex, envy, and hatred comes altogether in undeniable package. I hate them all.

I hate this familiar feeling as if my throat is choked, holding uncontrolably sobs that will come upon me. I hate when my head is panickly turning around, searching for help, or any person to hold on to. Anyone, please.

I hate this even more since it happens every night, over a month.

I hate when my body acting strange whenever I’m up a little bit too long. I hate of being both mentally and physically sick at the same time.

I hate when I have to questioning every night, about when will it comes to end.