#TheMorningTales · My Chaotic Philosophy

#TheMorningTales: I thought I Learnt, and Healed. I’m not.

There’s not a surprise now that people said gloomy weather calls for more depressive feeling. I love it like it always have been giving me a certain, joyful feeling before. But today is kind of different.

This certain weather, certain time, certain circumstances, dances altogether in recalling me of something, a painful one. And it hits me real hard. It just like a sudden thunderstorm came when you strolling on the sunny beachside and then leave just like that within seconds.

I supposed to functioning well today, numerous things to do and life is shouting for an action, but once a wave of depression came even it just a few minutes—a few of TORTURING minutes—it always so hard to get up. And now I can just curling in my bed, wondering why my heart aches so bad.

I thought I healed. But it seems likely I’m not, yet.

English · My Chaotic Philosophy

There’s a Demon in My Head, and It Won’t Go away



The fact that depression always crawling over and revisiting you once in a while, I think there will nothing ever the same with the fact that you keep on losing what is and who is important to you. Even Ramadan didn’t feel like it is as always, since I losing my dear aunt who has been like my second mother.

I started to feel like not being myself. I signed out from so many social circles, shut myself up in my room, being ill-mannered to people around me, shoved so many people out of my sight while at the same time crying for help.

I guess nothing will ever be the same since this state of mental illness comes to me regularly. Panicking over little things and have a neverending phase of separation anxiety is just a common circumstance nowadays. Last night, I dreamt of having everyone leaving me. I don’t know where they’re gone. What I know is, it left my sight blurred and blackout, and the next thing I know is I wake up crying.

I considered myself is an expert of life surviving through harsh reality and fate. I always had that kind of armor that I always boasting of. I forged it through the arduous years of a cycle of broke down-cried-got up-struggling-broke down again-cried again-got up again. I didn’t even need anyone back then. I was so strong that I could held myself all alone.

But apparently not this time. I still struggling to recover even after months and months and it never gets better. It’s always a constant feeling of stunted, resented, and unwanted. Even a short getaway or a meetup with friends are no longer healing, it merely a little distraction before those demons and toxic feelings caught me again.

“Recovery won’t take a long time.” A friend said to me.

Apparently, not this time.

I wondering why it creeps me in the first time, and I still can’t find the answer myself. I prefer to think that some of us will get caught in this phase called rock bottom for once in a while. Because listening to podcasts and reading about people who cope with depression almost entire time of their life makes me startled and shivering. Just a few months and I can’t seem to bear with it. How it feels like to deal with it for 25 years?

Maybe it’s my bad sleeping habit?
Maybe it’s my even worst food intake?
Maybe I’m too cruel on myself?
Or maybe I just take it the wrong way?

I tried to fix what I can fix. The majority of people doesn’t have their life put together, I’m aware. Hence maybe it just a mid-life crisis starting too early and, definitely, too extreme. I still doesn’t belong anywhere and anyone and I can’t bring myself to trust those mental helpers enough to tell them what exactly my problems are but I guess I have to try.

And I guess I should life longer.

And I guess, there’s business to be grown and taken care of, thesis to be finished, graduation to be attend, people to be fell in love with, and rejections to be winged.

Along with those demons that I should learn how to get along with.


Bahasa · My Chaotic Philosophy

#LearnToday 14: Humor dari Tuhan

“Kalo lo sedang di titik di mana semua aspek hidup lo hancur berantakan, dan kesulitan datang nggak ada hentinya, seringkali untuk menyikapinya ya tinggal diketawain aja.

Lagipula kalau dilihat dari sisi yang tepat, hidup kita yang malang ini sebenarnya lucu kok. Malah lebih lucu dari komedi srimulat.” 

Bahasa · My Chaotic Philosophy

Untuk Semua Hal yang Ditinggalkan Di Belakang

Kehilangan seorang keluarga pasti tidak akan pernah mudah, mau berapa sering pun kau telah mengalaminya. Terutama jika orang tersebut sudah kau anggap sebagai orang tua keduamu, yang tanpanya, kau tak akan mungkin tumbuh jadi dirimu yang sekarang.

Semua hal di dunia pada akhirnya akan kita tinggalkan. Semua harta benda yang sudah bersusah payah kita kumpulkan. Semua orang tercinta yang kadang tidak kita hiraukan. Semua kebanggaan dan posisi yang telah kita elu-elukan. Karena dunia itu sifatnya sekejap mata, dan hal yang seumur hidup menjadi fokus pandangmu suatu hari nanti tak ada lagi artinya.

Tapi toh bagaimanapun, hubungan antara kita dengan makhluk hidup lainnya ternyata sangat mempengaruhi nasib kita, bahkan ketika kita tidak lagi bernyawa. Ketika kau memperlakukan mereka sebagaimana seharusnya, mereka akan memperlakukan jasadmu sama. Hidup di dunia mungkin fana, tapi dalam kefanaan ini, kita hidup bersama-sama. Walau beberapa mungkin tidak menyadari dan menganggap mereka akan hidup selamanya.

Satu yang aku pelajari hari itu, ketika aku kehilangan seseorang yang sudah aku anggap sebagai orangtuaku sendiri beberapa hari lalu: Baik dunia yang fana mau pun yang kekal, aku yakin Tuhan menciptakan hukum keseimbangan untuk keduanya. Ketika kau mengambil, kau akan kehilangan. Ketika kau terjatuh, akan ada aspek dalam hidupmu yang sedang ditinggikan. Ketika kau berlaku buruk maka kau pun akan mendapatkan keburukan. Dan ketika kau memberi kebaikan, kau akan diberi kebaikan pula agar seimbang. Entah sekarang atau esok, hidup atau mati, di alami ini atau alam nanti, karena aku percaya ada alam selanjutnya setelah kita mati.

Singkat kata, kita manusia sebenarnya diciptakan di dunia ini hanya untuk sedikit bekerja, sedikit bersenang-senang, banyak-banyak berinteraksi dan banyak-banyak berbuat baik. Jika tidak, kau akan mati dengan menyedihkan.

Dan untuk semua risaumu hari ini, tenang saja. Dibandingkan ukuran alam semesta ini, kau itu skalanya kecil sekali. Mikro. Nano. Malah mungkin sejuta kali lebih kecil dari itu. Dan ketika kau meninggalkan dunia ini suatu hari, risaumu pun tidak akan kau bawa lagi. Jadi selama kau tidak melanggar hukum-hukum-Nya, jalani saja, jangan banyak dipikirkan.

Karena semuanya toh nanti akan kau tinggalkan.

English · My Chaotic Philosophy · My Writer Side

Things That Left. Things That Dead. Things That Remains Alive.

Of things that I missed out.
Of things that I don’t get it.
Of things that are not meant to be mine.
Of things that I thought unfair.
Of things that I wondered why.
Of places that I don’t belong.
Of people that leaving me.
Of people that I bid farewell to.
Of presents that I will never sent.
Of sounds that just leaving echo.
Of loves that we’ll leave behind.
Of hopes that are doesn’t matter anymore.
English · My Blabber Side · My Chaotic Philosophy


I did it again.

I said I won’t go too hard on myself anymore, I promised myself. I said I will forgive myself. I said I will give myself the time, and chance.

But I screw it up. I ruin it over again.

The atmosphere around me always been so toxic. Everytime and everywhere I go, I feel like diving in the arsenic ocean. I feel saturated. Toxified. Poisoned.

“It’s okay, I’m cleaning up.” Everytime I crawling out of that poisonous ocean. As I’m trying to get rid of my soaked self and make it dry and nice again. But the fact is, I’m keep sliding off the water and drown. All over again.

The poison saturated me. Trapped me in this satanic cycle of anxiety and depression that I don’t even remember why. I can’t remember why it came in the first place, how and when did it happened to me eversince? All I remember now is just, it’s painful. So much painful that I’m torn apart. I’ve been trying to surviving this. I’m trying to be kind to myself. But it’s so hard.

I’m tired.
So much tired.

English · My Chaotic Philosophy

#LearnToday 13: Mind-guessing Game

“I think if I’m a game, I will be a very-fun-plus-depressing one.

Because my mind is super stochastic that is impossible to be guessed, even for me myself. Because my chronic tendency of spontaneus and surprising actions makes no one able to see what I will and wanna do.

(I even give me myself a heart attack sometimes. Like, today, for example.)”