English · My Blabber Side · My Chaotic Philosophy

It’s Not The Life Inside The TV but What’s With These Exceeding Dramas?

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“I cannot.” I said, everyday, again and again.

I can’t bear with the fact that I have to keep asking for what I want, what I have, what I got, and what I don’t and didn’t in everything. It’s too exhausting, I’m too exhausted to ask.

You know that feeling when you’re in a mid 20s crisis, and you even not yet reach the half of 20s? Perplexing, I know. That’s what I feel.

The title would be: Monday of self-loathing and wondering what I want in life. Except it’s not Monday, it’s everyday.

I don’t want to leave my house in the morning ever again. I don’t want to do that job ever again. I don’t want to meet these and those people ever again. I dont’t want to be in this relationship ever again. I don’t want to wake up and make a living in that small room that I rented ever again. I don’t want to be in this city ever again.

Hence the lists going on, in a satanic kind of neverending complains. Because people said, adults supposed to not complaining, they’re mature and rational enough to rationalizing everything in their rational mind. Whereas I am just a crappy childish mind who trapped in a body of 23. I hate this breakouts things and what I hate the most is the piece of my 23 yo’s mind that force the child in me to think rational.

One wanna shut the door. The other one wanna take responsiblities. One wanna going happy-go-lucky. The other one wanna be prepared and super-strategical. One just want to be happy and playing everytime everyday. The other one want to torture herself in order to achieve something massive.

“You two are so noisy, you know? Get out of my head, you making my head blown ear to ear!” I said to that child and that 23 yo’s when they starts arguing.

But apparently, if they both shut themselves up, then I’ll be shutted down too. Dead, in the other word.

I know, win-win solution is such piece of crap, isn’t it?

I never had this issue of loss and abandoned. I think I’ve used to it. Well maybe that’s not the case. But I don’t want to blame my hormonal and digestion system ever again. They maybe take a part of this roller coaster ride, but somehow the greater influence is come from the other side of the wall.

And we tried to run and hide. But it capable enough with eagle-sight and experienced well in hide-and-seek.

Ah, why it has to be despair in every seconds I tried to breathing the life, huh? You hate me enough, dear The Almighty One?

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Bahasa · My Blabber Side · My Chaotic Philosophy

How To Upgrade Your Life

Prologue

I had the feeling that today would be a great day. Didn’t know why and how. I just had that feeling. And apparently, so it is.

 

Main Story

If you started speculating this and that happened today, NOPE, you wrong. Because what? Because today is surprisingly, extremely nothing spectacular. On the contrary of that, it actually pretty sucks if I think about it now. I mean, it CAN BE suck, but guess what, I make it not.

And It isn’t because SOMETHING HAPPENED. It’s because I, myself, MAKE IT HAPPEN.

Today I learnt that, to upgrade your life into a better one actually don’t require series of happiness or extraordinary events. You just have to make the most of your time, make yourself useful, and as simple as that.

And what I did today were:

  1. I crossed all of my to-do list in work today. Like, I crossed EVERYTHING. And it means, I did A LOT. Just knew that it could be the best feeling EVER. Like the combination of satisfication for yourself and the thought of you being a valuable and dedicated worker. Plus, a proud feeling that you used your time wisely. If your day-to-day jobdesk is as sporadical as me (means you have to do this and that, here and there, and most of them don’t related each other) nothing beats that, believe me.
  2. I only ate two times today, and both are vegan, healthy meals! I usually have a massive appetite, I can eat 4-5 times a day, and most of them are junkfoods. So when I choose to be healthy and normal (a normal appetite, I mean) it feels euphoric!
  3. I did my college homework done. It actually due on Saturday, and it just Monday today. Adios, the mistress-of-procrastination me!
  4. I practicing 2 of 4 song material of my piano class in Saturday. I actually had to do it since last week, whereas why I have to get my ass out now. Last week I was a lazy girl who procrastinated too much and now, no more excuse.
  5. I always did something non-stop today. And by the way I said that, it means I always had something I do. No time for laying around scrolling instagram or online window shopping or other useless things that kills my time, no. It actually pretty hard, as I always forget everything, I always forget things that I suppose to do because I have a short-term memory, a real-life Dory. So it kind of hard to repeating and mumbling something to myself over and over again “After this, I have to do A, then B, then C. Don’t forget, do A then B then C, do A then B then C, ….” but it’s works, and it worth!

And by the way I able to optimizing my time, my day becomes great by itself. I didn’t have something that happen , I MADE something happen.

As the digital world went big nowadays, it so easy to have our time consumed, and social media life apparently can be quite toxic. But I learnt today that doing a REAL thing could balance it.

 

Epilogue

Oh, and by the way, I write on blog today, after dissapeared for a long time.

A big plus, isn’t it?

English · My Blabber Side · My Chaotic Philosophy

I Wondering…

How much mistakes needed until one can get it right?
How much tears needed until one can get the smile?
How much pains needed until one can get a victory?
How much scars needed until one deserve true love?
How much lies needed until one can stay on honesty?
How much jealous needed until one can be at peace?
How much insecurities needed until one can stand proudly?
How much sleepless nights needed until one can have a rest safe and sound?

How much sacrifices do we need?
To be alive.
To feel loved.
To be accepted.
To feel recognized.
To be happy.
To feel like we belong to something.

After all this time, how much sacrifices do we need?
And when will it reach to the end?

 

English · My Blabber Side · My Chaotic Philosophy

Reset. Restart. Renew.

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When others are move out in order to work, my case is the opposite: I work in order to move out.

A drastic life comes by a single call, then I packed all my belongings and aimlessly wandered. Not a totally aimeless, though, but still…

It still fresh in my mind: those confusion and anxiety. I’ve always convinced myself that I born with this steel armor attached all over my body, like a legend warrior. So that I could even walk in fire if I want.

But that time was different. A drastic changes completely decayed my armor, left me naked and vulnerable.

And I slowly gathered up everything. Gathered those armor that I’ve always been took pride of, and glued them back with a sort of adaptability and strength that I’ve also took pride of.

Power, a complete and almighty one, maybe my main purpose. The feel of being able to take control of your own life is unbeatable, it reflect a pure strength. And that’s maybe the thing I’ve been looking for.

But sadly, if I thinking about it, from another side of the perspective, gaining power is not my mere motive. I moved out myself in order to runaway. Which, ironically, contradict the whole thing.

I’ve told ya’ I’m merely a humbag contains thousands opposite traits and thoughts, I’ve told ya’.

But, hey, aren’t we all a bunch of pilgrims who runaway from a particular things in life? Am I have to beg forgiveness? It’s not a sin, isn’t?

I don’t know.

Runaway is for a coward. Stay and fight is the only way for those valiant hearts. Maybe I’m not as brave and daring as I always think I am.

Are we lose?
Are we lost?
Or are we just understand our limits too well?

Right after the farewell was bid, the door of another hardness is opened.

Welcome to the wonderland, babe. We’re not mad here. We’re just…insanely struggling. To breath, to life, to eat, to love, to do everything.

English · My Blabber Side · My Chaotic Philosophy

Happy Birthday, A Clumsy 22-Year-Old Girl

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The 22-year-old me is an introvert, an acute one. A random MBTI tests all over internet said either she is 84% or 96% introvert. If it’s true then it’s not a shocking fact as she suffered a lot from her social anxiety. She was even hide in the restroom just to catch a breath at least twice a day during her the first three months of work life.

The 22-year-old me would be a national champion of overthinking competition, if it’s any. She is a B-type which people would called a happy-go-lucky type. So basically her nature is a mix-up. An overthinker B-type, she would declare. It’s quite not easy to live in kind of state of mind which contains thousands of opposite traits and behaviours. She has to dealing with voices in her head that arguing each another everytime. That’s why practical thinking is not her style, hence it doubles up the hardness of life for her. Poor soul.

The 22-year-old me still avoiding phone calls, messages, people; glitching from responsibilities; and escaping from real life. The 15-year-old her was ever composed a song titled “Escapist”, it tells about a person who doesn’t belong anywhere and can’t handle real life, and she still think that song compatible for her personal self even until now.

The 22-year-old me was longing for a perfect romance life, everyday, everytime, tho she never verbally admit it. Being in touch with the other one whom she considered as ‘boy’ or ‘guy’ makes her awkward hence this traits often translated as a ‘cold-and-cool-and-not-interested’ trait by the person she deeply longing. What an irony.

The 22 year-old me was ever felt so depressed that she nearly got her hands to alcohol can in the groceries and even keep eyes on which cigarettes to smoke. She never drink neither smoke before as it’s encounter her principles of life. But that depression almost eat her up to bones. Luckily, she then considered yoghurt and glico pocky tastes better than alcohol and cigarettes, so, well, attempt of rebellion: failed.

The 22-year-old me still speak to her imaginary friends. Yes, she has. And not only one but SIX instead. One of them is a wolf named Pandemonium and one other is Sora from Kingdom Hearts game. People might said that she is a schizoid because she talks to herself a lot as if she actually talks to a ‘friends’. And she refused to called them ‘imaginary friends’. “They are my guardian angels”, instead she replied.

Birthday is not her thing since 5 years ago. She loves a quiet and lonely birthday where everybody forget about it and behave like usual to her. She hates surprise or party or other kind of celebration because spotlight freaking her out and make her anxious.

And this birthday, too. Except she finally leaked it out by revealing her big wish on her instagram account, which her friends apparently recognized and makes it not a ‘quiet-birthday’ anymore. But this time, no problemo.

The 22-year-old me now have become a 23-year-old me today. As the 23-year-old approaching, she anxious a LOT. She hasn’t obtain a big and meaningful thing that she thought every 23’s people has to. “I will be 23 yet I’m still an useless potato, what should I do?!”, she mumbled panickly everyday since April began. But when the day come, peculiarly everything happens just like that. It’s not painful at all. Being 23-year-old feels strangely not different as being 22-year-old.

Being 23-year-old doesn’t mean that she have to evolved to become an extroverted, and stable, and rich, and wise either. I think, she will just stay this way. People change and her, too, will unnoticedly changes. It doesn’t matter the age. Age is just a number. But the process to be a mature person can’t be started or paused right away as if you’re installing a phone app. It happens as the time goes, slowly.

Happy Birthday to her.

She has a lot and numerous cool dreams to give up now so, 23, please be nice to her.