English · My Chaotic Philosophy

Do You know What’s This Mean?

FREEDOM.

I bet you wouldn’t understand. But today, exactly today, I choose the independence.

Now I’m stronger, much more stronger.

Now I’m fearless, cautions and warnings are nothing.

Now I’m visionary, ready to fly and soar high.

Try to move or crush me. No one can’t.

Never anymore.

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English · My Chaotic Philosophy

#LearnToday 12: Not A Better Escape

“I little bit understand this when my head felt like going to burst out and I thought better die last night: life is hard but death is apparently harder.”

Bahasa · My Chaotic Philosophy

Tentang Transisi Hari dan Semua yang Terjadi di Antaranya

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Saya masih ingat detik detik menjelang pergantian tahun di tahun lalu. Saya terduduk di mobil kijang yang berlari kencang menuju Jakarta dari kampung halaman di Wates. Hari itu juga 31 Desember, malam tahun baru. Malam terakhir saya ambil izin dari kantor, unpaid leave, bahasa kerennya, untuk mengambil napas di kota kecil yang tenang tempat ayah saya dilahirkan.

Saat itu workload saya sedang hectic-hecticnya, klien saya sedang gila-gilanya, hampir tiap 10 menit saya harus handle issue yang urgent bahkan saya sampai harus cari kursi lalu buka laptop ketika sedang pelesir di Malioboro. Ironis. Syukurlah itu semua sudah terlewati.

Tahun yang lalu, 31 desember 2016, di dalam mobil yang tengah ayah saya kendarai, tiba-tiba saya mau meledak. Mau menangis menjerit-jerit. Tiba-tiba merasa sedih dan sakit hati yang tidak ada duanya. Entah kenapa, saya juga nggak tahu sampai sekarang. Sepertinya campuran antara stress pekerjaan dengan beban ekspektasi hidup yang tidak kesampaian. Khas orang dewasa, ya kan? Saat itu saya sampai serius berpikir untuk membuat janji konseling dengan psikolog atau psikiater. Alasannya karena saya mencurigai diri saya punya anxiety (social anxiety, mungkin lebih tepatnya) yang parah atau mungkin bipolar disorder tipe II (karena mood swing saya memang luar biasa ekstrim dari sananya) atau depresi ringan (ternyata bukan ini, karena baru-baru ini saya merasakan seperti apa namanya depresi ringan itu, dan rasanya sungguh berbeda. Jauh jauh jauh lebih buruk, sungguh, rasanya seperti mimpi buruk yang jadi nyata, hanya saja tidak hilang ketika kita bangun). Tapi hati kecil saya tau, saya sebenarnya hanya menginginkan obat-obat antidepresan dari ahli medis secara legal saja. Beberapa bilang gangguan mental mereka jadi lebih baik dengan adanya antidepresan tersebut (ya asal tidak ketergantungan saja sih).

Tapi bagaimana pun, toh saya tidak jadi melakukannya saat itu, konseling ke psikiater maksud saya. Saya memang sudah simpan beberapa kontak klinik dan rumah sakit yang kelihatannya cukup terpercaya, tapi saya tetap tidak sanggup memaksa diri saya pergi. Pertama, sepertinya biayanya mahal sekali. Saya harus bayar kuliah, itu lebih penting. Kedua, saya tidak mampu berhadapan dengan orang untuk membicarakan masalah saya, penyakit di pikiran saya, gangguan di hati saya, ketidakstabilan emosi saya, dan lain-lainnya. Mereka tidak bakal anggap saya serius, dan terutama saya tidak pernah bisa bercerita tentang ini dengan siapa pun. Saya terlalu takut dengan apa yang akan orang lain pikirkan tentang saya.

Maka, dengan asumsi jika saya bisa memikirkan alasan pertama (biaya kuliah lebih penting), berarti saya masih belum sesakit itu dan masih bisa menyembuhkan diri saya sendiri, saya urung membuat janji konseling. Alih-alih saya habiskan hari berikutnya dengan membaca buku, makan makanan tidak sehat, dan menulis review tentang buku tersebut di blog. Syukurlah saya kemudian lebih baik hari demi hari.

Tahun 2016 adalah tahun yang sangat sulit. Emosi saya diaduk hingga terkuras, diguncang-guncangkan hingga saya muak, diombang-ambing sampai rasanya mau gila. Oleh karena itu pula saya tidak terpikir untuk menulis post tahunan tentang 20 pencapaian saya di tahun tersebut. Karena boro-boro kepikiran posting, masih bisa bertahan hidup pun sudah syukur. (Yah walaupun setelah saya pikir-pikir lagi, pencapaian saya di 2016 toh lumayan fantastis juga, sebanding lah dengan berdarah-darahnya).

Tahun 2017 ini lebih kalem, dengan beberapa hal yang sebelumnya cuma ada di imajinasi liar saya, tahu-tahu jadi nyata. Hard, but not that hard, but still hard. Mungkin karena itulah malam tahun baru ini, walau pun saya ada di situasi yang sama, bersama orang yang sama, menaiki mobil yang sama, dan mengarungi jalan yang sepertinya juga sama, saya tidak lagi frustrasi dan menangis histeris. Saya lebih tenang dan stabil. Yah walau dua-tiga ada saja masalah di sana-sini (dua-tiga masalah yang kebetulan LUMAYAN besar) tapi sepertinya tahun 2017 saya sudah ditempa untuk jadi lebih dewasa. Lebih matang dengan pikiran bahwa tidak semua yang kita inginkan akan terwujudkan. Pikiran untuk mengontrol ekspektasi dan berdamai dengan diri sendiri sebelum berdamai dengan orang lain.

Saya masih belajar. Saya rasa kita semua pada dasarnya adalah anak kecil. Manja, egois, dan penuh cita-cita. Yang membuat kita jadi ‘sedikit’ lebih dewasa adalah mental yang stabil, yang tetap mampu mempertahankan letaknya walau diterjang badai realita. Bohong kalau saya bilang saya sudah tidak pernah merasakan mental breakdown seperti itu lagi. Kenyataannya sering, sering sekali. Saya seringkali berpikir pasrah, kalau Tuhan mau ambil saya, silakan sajalah, saya toh belum punya tanggungan apa-apa, belum punya pencapaian apa-apa. Tapi sungguh tidak pernah diwarnai dengan suicidal thoughts atau pikiran-pikiran bunuh diri. Saya rasa frustrasi saya masih normal, atau mungkin juga saya terlalu pengecut? Ah entahlah. Jadi ya karena kasus bunuh diri sedang marak-maraknya, tenang saja teman-teman, saya tidak termasuk satu yang harus kalian waspadai. Saya terlalu pengecut dan terlalu cinta dengan diri saya sendiri.

Jadi, apa yang bisa saya bawa untuk mengarungi buku kosong selanjutnya, di tahun yang baru? Ah entah. Manusia itu seperti bunglon, kita berubah setiap saatnya. Belum tentu saya di tahun lalu akan sama dengan di tahun ini sehingga pikiran untuk membawa pengalaman lalu menjadi pelajaran hari ini sepertinya akan sia-sia saja. Siapa pun yang membuat quotes experience is the best teacher pasti bukanlah seseorang yang sifat dan pemikirannya selalu berubah seperti saya. Tapi ya, balik lagi, mengontrol ekspektasi itu sangat penting. Karena, sungguh, disakiti oleh kenyataan, itu luar biasa mengerikan.

Saya tidak terlalu suka bertukar ucapan selamat tahun baru atau sejenisnya, karena buat saya itu fana. Tapi saya punya beberapa target yang harus saya capai tahun ini, yang menjadi alasan agar saya tetap hidup. Karena, apalah artinya hidup kalau kita tidak punya cita-cita untuk diwujudkan?

Tahun ini pun sepertinya saya tidak akan terlalu sering menulis di sini. Tahun ini pun sepertinya saya akan banyak berada di dunia nyata. Tahun ini pun sepertinya saya tetap akan menjadi saya yang emosian, panikan, impulsif, dan ambisius. Tahun ini pun, kalau saya masih ada usia, akan banyak hal yang akan dipelajari, yang nantinya akan saya tuliskan dan bagikan juga di sini kala senggang. Tahun ini pun akan ada orang-orang yang datang dan pergi, entah siapa dan kapan.

Kenyataan bahwa kita tidak tahu apa pun tentang masa depan dan ketidakmampuan kita untuk mengontrol hidup kita sendiri memang mengerikan. Tapi itulah manusia. Pada akhirnya, semua hanya Tuhan yang tahu, kan. Kita hanya bisa berdoa saja. Lagipula, Tuhan adalah penulis skenario paling handal yang ada di seluruh alam semesta.

Tuhan, aku titipkan cita dan cintaku pada-Mu. Silakan bawa ke mana Kau mau.

English · My Chaotic Philosophy

20 Things I’ve Accomplished in 2017

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Main Story

1. Resigned from my job (believe me, it’s apparently hard)

2. And got a new job two months later

3. Learnt how to build website from scratch in my new job (you know, about UX and sitemap kinda things…)

4. Have a boyfriend

5. Had my first kiss (no, my parents better to not read this)

6. Went to club (I didn’t do ANYTHING I swear. All I do was just a little dance in the corner with my friends and OBSERVING. No alcohol, no cigarette, no bad boys or ANYTHING)

7. Mastered the art of academic presentation (based on how well I’ve always did it and how my lecturer use my slides as class reference. Yes, I’m proud like that, it was such an honour!)

8. Move out from home

9. And make a living on my own

10. Taking a piano class

11. Bought a flute. MY dream flute

12. Getting better on reading music notes (believe me I had tried so many time and it was all failures before)

13. Bought a dreamy skirt from one of my dream clothing brand: ARGYLE AND OXFORD. Woohoo!

14. Tried wall climbing (not only once but TWICE!)

15. Being a copywriter (now at least I have some portofolios)

16. Involved in charity action towards animals and humanism.

17. Read Al-quran more often.

18. Purchased Frankie magazines

19. Passed my calculus class (finally!) and got B+ as the final score!

20. Being financially independent

 

Epilogue

My resolutions is kind of failures hahah. I mean, not so many numbers to cross, but I learnt that apparently the parameter of whether you’re doing great is not merely about crossing your goals. Human changes everytime and our initial aims may not be applies for us all the time, we grown and developed our way of thinking everyday. I though it’s all about counting what we’ve become and how far we go.

Now that I’ve wrote some new goals to start anew, let just see where we’ll headed to. Excited!

English · My Blabber Side · My Chaotic Philosophy

Count Me In!

Prologue

I woke up early today, like, really. Intented to start morning run regularly (blame him because he honestly and innocently said I’m become fatter 😦 ) but it was raining so the plan has to be cancelled (yay) and I went back to snuggle in my white Ikea blanket and scrolling the instagram.

Instagram always become such a pinterest, youtube, and google for me in one nice pack. There’s a reason why my following number is one-thousand-something and it keeps growing. That particular social media platform is become like a creative web where an artist or creative people with creative ideas linked each other and become a wide source of inspiration.

I love instagram, I really do.

 

Main Story

So the thing is, I spent this morning to diligently sourcing and researching to create my own business. And it does feel right.

Every morning I constantly said that I don’t wanna work to other people anymore. I don’t need people telling me what to do in order to enrich other people’s business. Every. Single. Morning.

I want to do it myself, my own way. And no matter how.

So I gathered up every single pieces of puzzles and wondering how to get there and how to do it. And I’m swear it just the best feeling in the world.

I also found such a great account called Blueboot Farm which I instantly screenshot and sent to my boyfriend because it suits our educational background so well. I blabbered about it a lot just in a short time that he might be rolled his eyes and mumbled “here we go again…” when he read my chats.

Yes, beside impulsive, I’m also that irritating.

But guess what, the positive feeling pushed me to stand up and rise up with 1000% energy and went work happily. It seems like my whole life become much clearer and I can see what’ll coming. Such a nice nice feeling.

 

Epilogue

So, well, fellow local business owners, prepare to greet me because soon I’ll jump in to the game and have fun together.

I’m in!

English · My Blabber Side · My Chaotic Philosophy

It’s Not The Life Inside The TV but What’s With These Exceeding Dramas?

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“I cannot.” I said, everyday, again and again.

I can’t bear with the fact that I have to keep asking for what I want, what I have, what I got, and what I don’t and didn’t in everything. It’s too exhausting, I’m too exhausted to ask.

You know that feeling when you’re in a mid 20s crisis, and you even not yet reach the half of 20s? Perplexing, I know. That’s what I feel.

The title would be: Monday of self-loathing and wondering what I want in life. Except it’s not Monday, it’s everyday.

I don’t want to leave my house in the morning ever again. I don’t want to do that job ever again. I don’t want to meet these and those people ever again. I dont’t want to be in this relationship ever again. I don’t want to wake up and make a living in that small room that I rented ever again. I don’t want to be in this city ever again.

Hence the lists going on, in a satanic kind of neverending complains. Because people said, adults supposed to not complaining, they’re mature and rational enough to rationalizing everything in their rational mind. Whereas I am just a crappy childish mind who trapped in a body of 23. I hate this breakouts things and what I hate the most is the piece of my 23 yo’s mind that force the child in me to think rational.

One wanna shut the door. The other one wanna take responsiblities. One wanna going happy-go-lucky. The other one wanna be prepared and super-strategical. One just want to be happy and playing everytime everyday. The other one want to torture herself in order to achieve something massive.

“You two are so noisy, you know? Get out of my head, you making my head blown ear to ear!” I said to that child and that 23 yo’s when they starts arguing.

But apparently, if they both shut themselves up, then I’ll be shutted down too. Dead, in the other word.

I know, win-win solution is such piece of crap, isn’t it?

I never had this issue of loss and abandoned. I think I’ve used to it. Well maybe that’s not the case. But I don’t want to blame my hormonal and digestion system ever again. They maybe take a part of this roller coaster ride, but somehow the greater influence is come from the other side of the wall.

And we tried to run and hide. But it capable enough with eagle-sight and experienced well in hide-and-seek.

Ah, why it has to be despair in every seconds I tried to breathing the life, huh? You hate me enough, dear The Almighty One?

Bahasa · My Blabber Side · My Chaotic Philosophy

How To Upgrade Your Life

Prologue

I had the feeling that today would be a great day. Didn’t know why and how. I just had that feeling. And apparently, so it is.

 

Main Story

If you started speculating this and that happened today, NOPE, you wrong. Because what? Because today is surprisingly, extremely nothing spectacular. On the contrary of that, it actually pretty sucks if I think about it now. I mean, it CAN BE suck, but guess what, I make it not.

And It isn’t because SOMETHING HAPPENED. It’s because I, myself, MAKE IT HAPPEN.

Today I learnt that, to upgrade your life into a better one actually don’t require series of happiness or extraordinary events. You just have to make the most of your time, make yourself useful, and as simple as that.

And what I did today were:

  1. I crossed all of my to-do list in work today. Like, I crossed EVERYTHING. And it means, I did A LOT. Just knew that it could be the best feeling EVER. Like the combination of satisfication for yourself and the thought of you being a valuable and dedicated worker. Plus, a proud feeling that you used your time wisely. If your day-to-day jobdesk is as sporadical as me (means you have to do this and that, here and there, and most of them don’t related each other) nothing beats that, believe me.
  2. I only ate two times today, and both are vegan, healthy meals! I usually have a massive appetite, I can eat 4-5 times a day, and most of them are junkfoods. So when I choose to be healthy and normal (a normal appetite, I mean) it feels euphoric!
  3. I did my college homework done. It actually due on Saturday, and it just Monday today. Adios, the mistress-of-procrastination me!
  4. I practicing 2 of 4 song material of my piano class in Saturday. I actually had to do it since last week, whereas why I have to get my ass out now. Last week I was a lazy girl who procrastinated too much and now, no more excuse.
  5. I always did something non-stop today. And by the way I said that, it means I always had something I do. No time for laying around scrolling instagram or online window shopping or other useless things that kills my time, no. It actually pretty hard, as I always forget everything, I always forget things that I suppose to do because I have a short-term memory, a real-life Dory. So it kind of hard to repeating and mumbling something to myself over and over again “After this, I have to do A, then B, then C. Don’t forget, do A then B then C, do A then B then C, ….” but it’s works, and it worth!

And by the way I able to optimizing my time, my day becomes great by itself. I didn’t have something that happen , I MADE something happen.

As the digital world went big nowadays, it so easy to have our time consumed, and social media life apparently can be quite toxic. But I learnt today that doing a REAL thing could balance it.

 

Epilogue

Oh, and by the way, I write on blog today, after dissapeared for a long time.

A big plus, isn’t it?