English · My Blabber Side · My Chaotic Philosophy


I did it again.

I said I won’t go too hard on myself anymore, I promised myself. I said I will forgive myself. I said I will give myself the time, and chance.

But I screw it up. I ruin it over again.

The atmosphere around me always been so toxic. Everytime and everywhere I go, I feel like diving in the arsenic ocean. I feel saturated. Toxified. Poisoned.

“It’s okay, I’m cleaning up.” Everytime I crawling out of that poisonous ocean. As I’m trying to get rid of my soaked self and make it dry and nice again. But the fact is, I’m keep sliding off the water and drown. All over again.

The poison saturated me. Trapped me in this satanic cycle of anxiety and depression that I don’t even remember why. I can’t remember why it came in the first place, how and when did it happened to me eversince? All I remember now is just, it’s painful. So much painful that I’m torn apart. I’ve been trying to surviving this. I’m trying to be kind to myself. But it’s so hard.

I’m tired.
So much tired.

English · My Chaotic Philosophy

A Little Secret

Everytime my late-night severe anxiety hits me and I starts feeling dizzy, trembling, and sweating, I always see my dolls moving a little, continually, as if they do a simple gesture of dancing. I’m not even scared because then my head just filled with question marks about what’s wrong with me.

At this point, I thinking about my failed intention of making appointment with mental helper since years back then.

Should I finally do it now?

English · My Blabber Side · My Chaotic Philosophy · My Movie Freak Side

#MovieMonday – A Beautiful Mind, and some others.


Rating: 8.2 (IMDb)
Genre: Drama, biography, life
Cast: Russel Crowe (John Nash), Ed Harris (Parcher), Jennifer Connelly (Alicia Nash), Paul Bettany (Charles)
Director: Ron Howard
Music: James Horner
Wardrobe: Rita Ryack
Released: 2001


Just barely finish this movie and I’m still trembling now. Before it begin, let me warn you that I would be spoiling too much here.

I won’t intrinsically review it like any other #MovieMonday post so I’m not considering this as a usual one.  In fact, I shouldn’t write this also, considering thesis study I supposed to do. I mean, look at my dekstop situation: thesis reference on the left and the movie playing on the right, at the same time.


Nevertheless, basically this movie tells about a story of John Nash, a mathematician genius who pursuing his doctoral study in Princeton University and seems to outcast himself.



His eccentrically and peculiar behaviour and mind lead him to an acute schizophrenia where he starts delusioning about being State’s secret cryptography agents and imaginary people appears.


This is not a thriller or horror movie, but for me, it’s terribly frightening, because what happened to John Nash, I’ve encountering that too. And this is the main reason why I write this post. A schizophrenic delusions of people who are not exist? I scored that.

Have I told you I have so many imaginary friends? Or in my case, I called them guardian angels? Yes. I’ve wrote in my last year’s birthday note here.

John Nash has two imaginary friends: Charles and her niece, Marcee. And a so-called imaginary colleague agent: Parcher. While I have six. The first one I ‘met’ in junior high school time, where I experienced a not-a-bullied bullying (you maybe confused but yeah, that was happened and I dont wanna talk about it). Hence as years passed by, life becomes hard and shit happens and before I realize, they grow outnumbered. Some was born in my loneliness, some in my hatred and sadness, some other in my lowest and rock bottom conditions. One of them is a wolf named Pandemonium, and one of them is Sora, from Kingdom Hearts game.

My resemblance with John’s circumstances is what makes me trembling. The only fortune I have, is I know what I’m thinking is not real. I talk to them, they talk back to me in my head, we’re interact so much almost everyday, especially when the times get hard and I started to encountered a severe anxiety or a minor frustration. But I know they are not real. While John cannot differ which is reality and which is delusion. But knowing there’s apparently a possibility schizophrenia can grows into that acute state, it terrifies me.



The fact that I feel connected to the relationship of Charles and John since the very first time is also plays a big role. Even before I knew Charles is an imagination. I’m familiar with the feeling of someone who always attached with, supports, and emotionally protecting you in so many ways on so many levels in life, more than parents, or lover, or best friend can do. Because that’s whats my guardian angels doing to me, every time.

45But what makes this story beautiful is John tries to heal himself and people start recognizes his lifetime hardwork in mathematics and a Nobel Prize landed in his crown. I’m not usually cries for movies, but I cried on this part. Hahah


This is actually the first time ever I opened up and being honest about it. Why it has to be here instead of my diary or private notes, I don’t know. Maybe because this blog plays a lot on my growing phase and personal well-being? And tho I state my blog address in all of my social medias, I always think my real friends better not read this blog at all because this is my personal space, my sanctuary (in fact, I always wishing that none of my real friends ever click on my blog because therefore they would know that they’re befriends with a person with uneven mentality like me).

But anyway, to be honest, it such a beautiful film with a beautiful story (unless you encountered the similar imaginary life, then you might be find it slightly terrifying).

It just brought me to thinking, if I know that my circumstances is merely an imagination and they are just a delusional objects, would it makes me categorized as a schizoid too? I’m still talking to the air, almost everyday, is that it means I suffer a schizophrenia, eventho I still aware of which is real and which is not? Or am I just a completely normal person searching for an escape? And they are my objects to escape into?


English · My Chaotic Philosophy · People Watching

A Week of People Watching – Day 7


I’ve been cheating the day. I should post this yesterday but all kind of social life faint me down and didn’t have that much energy, so, yeah.

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If you think the closest person to you would never bring you down, PFFFTTTT–TALK TO MY HANDS. When I saw a contempt eyes that looking at me from my closest one (hint: a family) I just thought, Uh-Oh, I forgot we can’t trust human.

That’s all, I guess. I ought to warn you to be careful everytime because you definitely can trust no one. Except your pet cat or dog, I thought they are far more sincere and faithful than any human-being.

But, hey, just a warn though.



So this remarks the end of my people-watching week (which I pretty sure will not going to the end as I’ll continue doing it everyday, minus the report as a daily post).


People Watching

A Week of People Watching – Day 6

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Blog this from my phone while lying on my bed, too exhausted to open my laptop.

Not a particular person today, but I realized that sometimes if a face stays constantly flat and neutral, it’s either burying numerous secrets inside, or maybe not a single feeling at all.

Because afterall human psychology is not a one-day study (or, in my case, a seven-days study), instead it’s a lifetime study. Because human is as complicated as it is.

People Watching

A Week of People Watching – Day 5


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Nothing really amusing today except I explored the expressions of lust and flirt. From a random people on the street towards another one or towards me (which is so disgusting, seriously).

Apparently no matter how developed a country and how intelligent the people are, a primitive mind of an animal always stays inside a human. That’s how nature’s works, I believe.


Images credits to: Pexels.com

My Chaotic Philosophy · People Watching

A Week of People Watching – Day 4


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I never knew before that we can easily find upset and miserable people in mall, a place where it supposedly a happy place, like those executive property developers acclaimed.

And in the groceries there, I met an old woman, maybe 55 to early 60, with a wry face and squinted eyes, walked down the aisle of cleaning fluid by herself, pushed a shopping trolley without anyone else.

At first I thought that face shows pain, which is shocked me. An upset face, it’s quite common since so many people throwing money here in mall when some people don’t like that idea (for example, husbands who accompanying their wife). A doubtful face, so understandable with many people relying their income here to pay their miserable bills. But pain? In the face of an old woman who go shopping by herself? No, there’s must be something wrong with her that must be anticipated.

Feeling intrigued, I left my mother behind (she was too busy paid more attention to the price of cleaning fluids to realized that I’m not by her side anymore) and sneakingly followed her, aisle to aisle. Even to cashier, where I sat on the bench nearby while eyeing on her.

Turns out the face which I mistaken as a pain, is actually a sad face, a deep sadness. A face of sorrow and grief. That squinted eyes? Probably she has myopic eyes. I knew this because my eyes are both myopic and if I don’t wear my glasses on, I have to squint my eyes in order to have clearer sight. She didn’t wear glasses so it supposedly explain it all.

But what about that constant sorrow? It’s haunting me somehow. I nearly bump over her and ask what can I do or how could I help her because she looks so sad. But I may look like a freak stranger and might frightening her as well so I keep my mouth shut and walk in a required distance.

And in the end, I could do nothing more than observe.


Image credits to: Pexels.com