English · My Chaotic Philosophy

I Don’t Need Butterflies Nor Roses

By the time I started fantasize about cotton candy cloud and rainbow bridge, I should zapped myself out of it, immediately. It’s not funny anymore and I’m not a little child anymore. And don’t tell me to grinning like an idiot, because I’m not a little girl anymore.

Warns and precautious spread all over the walls, I have already knew, I just didn’t took them seriously. Oh yeah, we can try endlessly but in the end we are wizards and witches in disguise. We were disgusted and mad and ready to pinpointed the wand on anybody else’s face, but, uh-oh, we ALL have a wand.

Come on, so tired of this game, don’t you too? Why cannot we ended this and pretending you never be a frog and I never be a lizard. We are not a little children playing with play-doh. We are mature witch and wizard with a full-power magical skills playing with each other’s awful emotions.

As it sounds as safe as it never be.

English · My Blabber Side · My Chaotic Philosophy

Steel Heart

Because heartbreak is not always about love, not always about a thread (be it red or not) between opposite-sex (or even same) human. Heartbreak, I think, it’s about losing. Hope, dream, stars, dust. You can’t get it, you lose it. The more massive the thing you lose, the stronger your heart supposedly prepared. End of story.

It’s funny that dashing  out of the house and aimlessly wandering the town could be a kind of theraphy, moreover if the town is not your own. But somehow it’s not working tho.

As a child, we could throw on the tantrums on anything, recklessly. Screaming, kicking, crying. But child is child, it will just go on while the grown-ups have much more pins and needles in the head. So deep deep the dark forest, far more dangerous that it seems to be. Therefore the heartbreak is real, it undeniable and unavoidable.

But, I guess, we can’t found armor equipments and installations for the heart no matter how much we willing to pay, are us? As an adults, have to heal it ourselves, aren’t us?

Well, good luck, if so. For the shake of the heart.

And us, who willing to chew and gulp all the sickness inside.

English · My Chaotic Philosophy

Phase of Lunaticity

If I ever (finally) made up my mind to go to the psychologist appointment, I’m pretty sure all I do there would be just be sitting still and skeptically staring at the psychologist without even saying a single words. With the clock tickling loudly as backsound and wind blowing hard from the opened window behind, trying to fill the empty atmosphere.

Me and my inner-Wednesday-Addams-soul.


Every words came from the the psychologist that trying to dig deep into my mind would just replied by my-“What’s your business? Why’d you want to know?-gaze. Funny.

Guess what the funniest? As a person who has to deal with her existential and emotional crisis regularly, I ever had a thought to go to the psychologist or other mental helpers several times. Yes, I had. Things that prevent me to do so are maybe the price, the distance, and the fear for other human.

The fear for socializing, to be exact.

I just watched Alice Through the Looking Glass the night before and somehow I envy Mad Hatter for his sincerity of being lunatic. I envy him for being able to behave without a fear to be judged and alienated.

I’m definitely never be a people-person, but naturally human wants to be fitted and accepted. Therefore being as normal as we could sometimes is the dead-end. “He is strange, I would be so embarassed to be around him actually.” is kind of words that I have no courage to face. Bear with it, mask are everywhere. The more colors they are, the more toxic they might be.

I said it before but I’ll say it again: I envy Mad Hatter for being lunatic. Why can’t we have a privilege for being like him–or Madelline Hatter, at least–in the real life.


#TheMorningTales · English · My Blabber Side

#TheMorningTales 3: I’m in a Good Mood

  1. I chatted my mom thru whatsapp about family Turkey vacation and despite that whether it would happen or no, talking about holiday feel such a bliss already.
  2. (After a long debate last night with lil bro about what kind of hat is Frank Sinatra’s hat actually) I will buy a fedora hat this evening for him as a props for his upcoming English storytelling competition. Despite that his win or loss in the future, I’m so proud of my baby brother already.
  3. All along the road to work today, I just thinking about my longing for painting. Been a long while since I draw using acrylic. Okay, buy a canvas this evening. Positive. Excited.
  4. Because talks about Frank Sinatra last night, I really miss Nat King Cole’s and Russ Columbo’s voice that reminds me of the old disney films that Mickey-Minnie, Donald-Daisy, Goofy-Pluto, Chips-Dale, starred in my childhood days. Thus it takes me wondered if there’s any of their new films nowadays? For all of recent-released Disney films mainly a short movies playing outer-realms characters. I miss Goofy and Pluto and Uncle Gober 😦

Have a nice day, you too 😀

English · Music · My Chaotic Philosophy · My Music Geek Side

Playlist of a Swaying Mood

Tried to decipher how my mood can easily swing by analyzing what songs I heard within the day, and this is the result.

9.00 Am


10.00 AM


10.30 AM


11.09 AM


11.20 AM


11.50 AM


2.57 PM


3.04 PM


3.50 PM


6.05 PM


6.24 PM



My playlist is stochastic so the result is: My mood swing level is EXTREMELY DANGEROUS.

#TheMorningTales · My Chaotic Philosophy

#TheMorningTales 1: A New Perception of Feminism



I write it right from the place in the photo above. It is Tuesday and I came too early than usual and my office still not open yet thus have to refuge to another place, I am.

Another thinking, of all the interesting thing I found in my way to office, I think it’s all worth a story. So here is why, I started to write another new tag, about the tales of the Morning.


Main Story.

I hate morning, I really am.

The sound of tweeting birds and the sun breaking dawn, the colors of violet spreads beetween faded black and the scent of dew along with fresh-brewed coffee.

Sound so romantic. But in my dictionary, it will not gonna happen.

Make it two time if it’s sunny morning. I hate hate hate sun, so morning and sunny day is a bad combination that ever happen for me.

Sometimes in my low self-esteem or post mental-breakdown illness period, I wish I can just be a housewife and stay at home all day. Laugh at me, pals, but I think fast-living is not suitable for my generally-insecure-and-anxious-towards-everything self.

It bring me the thinking, that people and mainly feminists troubled so much with the idea of “Women should be in home while men are out there and having a career path.”

Is it that bad?

Because IMHO, home is the best. It is sanctuary, a safe and sound place that we can end our days to. By being in home, it doesn’t mean our aspirations are killed and decayed. To be contrary of that, the home also can be a palace or castle to gather and build all the ideas before being spread to the fellow folks around.

The world out there is so hard and cruel, that’s why men all out there. Because they have to fight for their women and girls. So by any mean society putting the female in home, doesn’t it mean that they want to protecting us instead? If you are a housewife already, I understand that making home and raising child is not an easy thing to handle, but afterall there will be no risk of car accident or any similar physical hazards.

For anything physical mainly related to male business.

Home life generally more safe than a street life, so if you are not Malala and living in urban modern society, why bother to fighting over this?

By writing this, I’m not saying that women should be in home and men should be fighting hard out there. The world is balanced it’s way already, it have it’s own classifications and requirements.

So if you are as warrior princess as Xena (or maybe a little less of that) and you think you can fight the outer world between men, go ahead and do it. Show the guys that a hot lass can kick off their head too.

Or if you are more to conservative and insecure one (like me, usually) you can settle down in the home while browsing through job vacancy website to find a freelance and offsite job that pays you well.

Because females always want the best for both worlds and who say you can’t have a great career while you are staying at home all day everyday.

Well, that’s my dream though.



A little bonus: kitty’s living seems so nice tho.