#TheMorningTales · My Chaotic Philosophy

#TheMorningTales: I thought I Learnt, and Healed. I’m not.

There’s not a surprise now that people said gloomy weather calls for more depressive feeling. I love it like it always have been giving me a certain, joyful feeling before. But today is kind of different.

This certain weather, certain time, certain circumstances, dances altogether in recalling me of something, a painful one. And it hits me real hard. It just like a sudden thunderstorm came when you strolling on the sunny beachside and then leave just like that within seconds.

I supposed to functioning well today, numerous things to do and life is shouting for an action, but once a wave of depression came even it just a few minutes—a few of TORTURING minutes—it always so hard to get up. And now I can just curling in my bed, wondering why my heart aches so bad.

I thought I healed. But it seems likely I’m not, yet.

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English · My Chaotic Philosophy

There’s a Demon in My Head, and It Won’t Go away

 

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The fact that depression always crawling over and revisiting you once in a while, I think there will nothing ever the same with the fact that you keep on losing what is and who is important to you. Even Ramadan didn’t feel like it is as always, since I losing my dear aunt who has been like my second mother.

I started to feel like not being myself. I signed out from so many social circles, shut myself up in my room, being ill-mannered to people around me, shoved so many people out of my sight while at the same time crying for help.

I guess nothing will ever be the same since this state of mental illness comes to me regularly. Panicking over little things and have a neverending phase of separation anxiety is just a common circumstance nowadays. Last night, I dreamt of having everyone leaving me. I don’t know where they’re gone. What I know is, it left my sight blurred and blackout, and the next thing I know is I wake up crying.

I considered myself is an expert of life surviving through harsh reality and fate. I always had that kind of armor that I always boasting of. I forged it through the arduous years of a cycle of broke down-cried-got up-struggling-broke down again-cried again-got up again. I didn’t even need anyone back then. I was so strong that I could held myself all alone.

But apparently not this time. I still struggling to recover even after months and months and it never gets better. It’s always a constant feeling of stunted, resented, and unwanted. Even a short getaway or a meetup with friends are no longer healing, it merely a little distraction before those demons and toxic feelings caught me again.

“Recovery won’t take a long time.” A friend said to me.

Apparently, not this time.

I wondering why it creeps me in the first time, and I still can’t find the answer myself. I prefer to think that some of us will get caught in this phase called rock bottom for once in a while. Because listening to podcasts and reading about people who cope with depression almost entire time of their life makes me startled and shivering. Just a few months and I can’t seem to bear with it. How it feels like to deal with it for 25 years?

Maybe it’s my bad sleeping habit?
Maybe it’s my even worst food intake?
Maybe I’m too cruel on myself?
Or maybe I just take it the wrong way?

I tried to fix what I can fix. The majority of people doesn’t have their life put together, I’m aware. Hence maybe it just a mid-life crisis starting too early and, definitely, too extreme. I still doesn’t belong anywhere and anyone and I can’t bring myself to trust those mental helpers enough to tell them what exactly my problems are but I guess I have to try.

And I guess I should life longer.

And I guess, there’s business to be grown and taken care of, thesis to be finished, graduation to be attend, people to be fell in love with, and rejections to be winged.

Along with those demons that I should learn how to get along with.

 

English · My Chaotic Philosophy · My Writer Side

Things That Left. Things That Dead. Things That Remains Alive.

Of things that I missed out.
Of things that I don’t get it.
Of things that are not meant to be mine.
Of things that I thought unfair.
Of things that I wondered why.
Of places that I don’t belong.
Of people that leaving me.
Of people that I bid farewell to.
Of presents that I will never sent.
Of sounds that just leaving echo.
Of loves that we’ll leave behind.
Of hopes that are doesn’t matter anymore.
Bahasa · My Blabber Side · My Chaotic Philosophy

Mendebat Tuhan

“Aku pernah berbicara dengan Tuhan.”

Hening sejenak menguasai jeda seraya desau badai angin di malam bulan Desember berputar-putar tanpa suara di luar jendela. Panah di monitor bergeming di tempatnya, seolah terlalu mengantuk untuk bergerak. Hanya bunyi jam dinding yang menyusup relung hampa dengan gema sayup dramatis.

Klik. Klik. Klik. Klik.

“Kau bukan setan, kan?”

“Bukan, bukan. Aku tidak berbicara dengan-Nya di dunia akhirat sana.”

“Lantas?”

“Bulan Desember, pukul dua malam, tepat hari ini, dua tahun yang lalu.”

“Dia mengunjungimu di mimpi?”

“Tidak. Aku berbicara dengan-Nya lewat situs obrolan elektronik, seperti kita sekarang.”

“Hahahahaha. Lucu sekali. Tak kusangka kau jago berkelakar.”

“Kau pikir aku bercanda?”

“Baiklah, anggap Dia memang betul-betul Tuhan. Lalu apa yang kalian obrolkan?”

“Lucunya, saat itu aku sedang memprotes habis-habisan tentang logika dan hukum yang diciptakan oleh-Nya.”

“Apa Dia marah?”

“Tidak, Dia tertawa.”

“Ternyata Tuhan punya watak yang lumayan santai juga ya.”

“Sebenarnya, setelah dipikir-pikir, aku berharap punya kesempatan berbicara dengan-Nya lagi.”

“Tentang?”

“Komplain internal.”

“Misalnya?”

“Dipikirnya lucu membuat seseorang jatuh bangun sampai berdarah-darah lalu susah payah menyembuhkan diri namun kemudian dijatuhkan kembali sampai setengah mati? Atau ketika seseorang menggantungkan hidup dan matinya pada sesuatu, namun hal itu dicabut begitu saja darinya? Kau tahu apa yang lebih buruk dari pembunuhan? Yaitu pembunuhan tanpa membunuh. Dibiarkan sekarat hingga mati sendiri. Dipikirnya itu lucu?”

“Mungkin dari persepsi Tuhan itu cukup lucu. Siapa yang tahu?”

“Tidak ada yang lucu dengan mempermainkan hidup orang lain.”

“Tidak ada istilah ‘mempermainkan hidup orang lain’ jika kau adalah Tuhan.”

“Kau terlalu positif.”

“Kau terlalu skeptis.”

“Dan Tuhan terlalu dekonstruktif.”

“Setiap orang menunjukkan afeksinya dengan cara yang berbeda-beda, dan dalam hal ini kau membicarakan Tuhan. Tentu saja sebagai Tuhan, Tuhan sudah sepantasnya punya pola pikir sendiri, bukan?”

“Berarti, kata ‘dekonstruktif’ bukanlah istilah yang tepat. Melainkan ‘sok elitis’.”

“Kau akan sendirinya menjadi elitis jika kau adalah sebuah entitas dengan kekuatan Mahabesar.”

“Jika aku adalah sebuah entitas berkekuatan Mahabesar, aku akan membiarkan makhlukku hidup bahagia dan tidak menciptakan emosi-emosi negatif yang ada. Hidup sudah cukup sulit tanpa perlu Dia tambah dramatis lagi. Kau tahu? Aku berharap Dia dapat sehari saja merasakan jadi manusia biasa tanpa kekuatan super-Nya. Hanya untuk mengetahui betapa sulit rasanya dipermainkan takdir.”

“Ah, jadi daripada ‘menyamar menjadi manusia’, lebih baik ‘menjadi manusia’ saja, begitu?”

“Hanya jika Dia tidak terlalu egois dan sok elitis.”

“Sebenarnya, itu justru ide yang bagus.”

“Yeah, tentu—tunggu, apa maksudmu dengan menyamar? Jangan bilang—”

“Selalu senang bicara denganmu. Sekarang, maupun dua tahun yang lalu.”

Hening tanpa ampun menyela menguasai jeda seraya desau badai angin di malam bulan Desember berputar-putar tanpa suara di luar jendela. Hanya jam dinding yang mengerik melatarbelakangi jantung yang berdetak bukan kepalang.

Dag. Dug. Dag. Dug.

English · My Blabber Side · My Chaotic Philosophy

It’s Not The Life Inside The TV but What’s With These Exceeding Dramas?

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“I cannot.” I said, everyday, again and again.

I can’t bear with the fact that I have to keep asking for what I want, what I have, what I got, and what I don’t and didn’t in everything. It’s too exhausting, I’m too exhausted to ask.

You know that feeling when you’re in a mid 20s crisis, and you even not yet reach the half of 20s? Perplexing, I know. That’s what I feel.

The title would be: Monday of self-loathing and wondering what I want in life. Except it’s not Monday, it’s everyday.

I don’t want to leave my house in the morning ever again. I don’t want to do that job ever again. I don’t want to meet these and those people ever again. I dont’t want to be in this relationship ever again. I don’t want to wake up and make a living in that small room that I rented ever again. I don’t want to be in this city ever again.

Hence the lists going on, in a satanic kind of neverending complains. Because people said, adults supposed to not complaining, they’re mature and rational enough to rationalizing everything in their rational mind. Whereas I am just a crappy childish mind who trapped in a body of 23. I hate this breakouts things and what I hate the most is the piece of my 23 yo’s mind that force the child in me to think rational.

One wanna shut the door. The other one wanna take responsiblities. One wanna going happy-go-lucky. The other one wanna be prepared and super-strategical. One just want to be happy and playing everytime everyday. The other one want to torture herself in order to achieve something massive.

“You two are so noisy, you know? Get out of my head, you making my head blown ear to ear!” I said to that child and that 23 yo’s when they starts arguing.

But apparently, if they both shut themselves up, then I’ll be shutted down too. Dead, in the other word.

I know, win-win solution is such piece of crap, isn’t it?

I never had this issue of loss and abandoned. I think I’ve used to it. Well maybe that’s not the case. But I don’t want to blame my hormonal and digestion system ever again. They maybe take a part of this roller coaster ride, but somehow the greater influence is come from the other side of the wall.

And we tried to run and hide. But it capable enough with eagle-sight and experienced well in hide-and-seek.

Ah, why it has to be despair in every seconds I tried to breathing the life, huh? You hate me enough, dear The Almighty One?

English · My Chaotic Philosophy · My Writer Side

Heavily Attached

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I’m drunk.
I’m high.
I fly, fly, fly.
That’s worth ten gallons of champagne, million dosage of morphines.
Up in the sky of roses, and multicolored roofs, and heads that held up, wondering.

And by the time you hold my hand, tenderly.
And by the time you kiss me, sparkly.
And by the time you hug and hold me, tightly.

And since when?
Since when the needle of time is freezing, the sand is stop streaming, and the sun has gone.
So we have to wait another time that darkness and light have to fighting each other.
Rise and set, rise and set.

I’m blind.
You blind me.
The hormones, the passion, the blood that rushing through the veins.
Lust and love, fire and ice.

Yet we dancing and dancing.
Both of us in an endless melody, singing an eternal lullaby.

Kiss me again, tightly, gently.
As warm as a first sun of spring.
As beautiful as the angels flying.
As hypnotizing as a pendulum swing.

Because now, after all of this,
I’m drunk.
I’m high.
I fly, and fly, and fly.

Both of us, together.

Bahasa · My Blabber Side · My Chaotic Philosophy

How To Upgrade Your Life

Prologue

I had the feeling that today would be a great day. Didn’t know why and how. I just had that feeling. And apparently, so it is.

 

Main Story

If you started speculating this and that happened today, NOPE, you wrong. Because what? Because today is surprisingly, extremely nothing spectacular. On the contrary of that, it actually pretty sucks if I think about it now. I mean, it CAN BE suck, but guess what, I make it not.

And It isn’t because SOMETHING HAPPENED. It’s because I, myself, MAKE IT HAPPEN.

Today I learnt that, to upgrade your life into a better one actually don’t require series of happiness or extraordinary events. You just have to make the most of your time, make yourself useful, and as simple as that.

And what I did today were:

  1. I crossed all of my to-do list in work today. Like, I crossed EVERYTHING. And it means, I did A LOT. Just knew that it could be the best feeling EVER. Like the combination of satisfication for yourself and the thought of you being a valuable and dedicated worker. Plus, a proud feeling that you used your time wisely. If your day-to-day jobdesk is as sporadical as me (means you have to do this and that, here and there, and most of them don’t related each other) nothing beats that, believe me.
  2. I only ate two times today, and both are vegan, healthy meals! I usually have a massive appetite, I can eat 4-5 times a day, and most of them are junkfoods. So when I choose to be healthy and normal (a normal appetite, I mean) it feels euphoric!
  3. I did my college homework done. It actually due on Saturday, and it just Monday today. Adios, the mistress-of-procrastination me!
  4. I practicing 2 of 4 song material of my piano class in Saturday. I actually had to do it since last week, whereas why I have to get my ass out now. Last week I was a lazy girl who procrastinated too much and now, no more excuse.
  5. I always did something non-stop today. And by the way I said that, it means I always had something I do. No time for laying around scrolling instagram or online window shopping or other useless things that kills my time, no. It actually pretty hard, as I always forget everything, I always forget things that I suppose to do because I have a short-term memory, a real-life Dory. So it kind of hard to repeating and mumbling something to myself over and over again “After this, I have to do A, then B, then C. Don’t forget, do A then B then C, do A then B then C, ….” but it’s works, and it worth!

And by the way I able to optimizing my time, my day becomes great by itself. I didn’t have something that happen , I MADE something happen.

As the digital world went big nowadays, it so easy to have our time consumed, and social media life apparently can be quite toxic. But I learnt today that doing a REAL thing could balance it.

 

Epilogue

Oh, and by the way, I write on blog today, after dissapeared for a long time.

A big plus, isn’t it?