“I cannot.” I said, everyday, again and again.
I can’t bear with the fact that I have to keep asking for what I want, what I have, what I got, and what I don’t and didn’t in everything. It’s too exhausting, I’m too exhausted to ask.
You know that feeling when you’re in a mid 20s crisis, and you even not yet reach the half of 20s? Perplexing, I know. That’s what I feel.
The title would be: Monday of self-loathing and wondering what I want in life. Except it’s not Monday, it’s everyday.
I don’t want to leave my house in the morning ever again. I don’t want to do that job ever again. I don’t want to meet these and those people ever again. I dont’t want to be in this relationship ever again. I don’t want to wake up and make a living in that small room that I rented ever again. I don’t want to be in this city ever again.
Hence the lists going on, in a satanic kind of neverending complains. Because people said, adults supposed to not complaining, they’re mature and rational enough to rationalizing everything in their rational mind. Whereas I am just a crappy childish mind who trapped in a body of 23. I hate this breakouts things and what I hate the most is the piece of my 23 yo’s mind that force the child in me to think rational.
One wanna shut the door. The other one wanna take responsiblities. One wanna going happy-go-lucky. The other one wanna be prepared and super-strategical. One just want to be happy and playing everytime everyday. The other one want to torture herself in order to achieve something massive.
“You two are so noisy, you know? Get out of my head, you making my head blown ear to ear!” I said to that child and that 23 yo’s when they starts arguing.
But apparently, if they both shut themselves up, then I’ll be shutted down too. Dead, in the other word.
I know, win-win solution is such piece of crap, isn’t it?
I never had this issue of loss and abandoned. I think I’ve used to it. Well maybe that’s not the case. But I don’t want to blame my hormonal and digestion system ever again. They maybe take a part of this roller coaster ride, but somehow the greater influence is come from the other side of the wall.
And we tried to run and hide. But it capable enough with eagle-sight and experienced well in hide-and-seek.
Ah, why it has to be despair in every seconds I tried to breathing the life, huh? You hate me enough, dear The Almighty One?