English · My Blabber Side · My Chaotic Philosophy

It’s Not The Life Inside The TV but What’s With These Exceeding Dramas?

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“I cannot.” I said, everyday, again and again.

I can’t bear with the fact that I have to keep asking for what I want, what I have, what I got, and what I don’t and didn’t in everything. It’s too exhausting, I’m too exhausted to ask.

You know that feeling when you’re in a mid 20s crisis, and you even not yet reach the half of 20s? Perplexing, I know. That’s what I feel.

The title would be: Monday of self-loathing and wondering what I want in life. Except it’s not Monday, it’s everyday.

I don’t want to leave my house in the morning ever again. I don’t want to do that job ever again. I don’t want to meet these and those people ever again. I dont’t want to be in this relationship ever again. I don’t want to wake up and make a living in that small room that I rented ever again. I don’t want to be in this city ever again.

Hence the lists going on, in a satanic kind of neverending complains. Because people said, adults supposed to not complaining, they’re mature and rational enough to rationalizing everything in their rational mind. Whereas I am just a crappy childish mind who trapped in a body of 23. I hate this breakouts things and what I hate the most is the piece of my 23 yo’s mind that force the child in me to think rational.

One wanna shut the door. The other one wanna take responsiblities. One wanna going happy-go-lucky. The other one wanna be prepared and super-strategical. One just want to be happy and playing everytime everyday. The other one want to torture herself in order to achieve something massive.

“You two are so noisy, you know? Get out of my head, you making my head blown ear to ear!” I said to that child and that 23 yo’s when they starts arguing.

But apparently, if they both shut themselves up, then I’ll be shutted down too. Dead, in the other word.

I know, win-win solution is such piece of crap, isn’t it?

I never had this issue of loss and abandoned. I think I’ve used to it. Well maybe that’s not the case. But I don’t want to blame my hormonal and digestion system ever again. They maybe take a part of this roller coaster ride, but somehow the greater influence is come from the other side of the wall.

And we tried to run and hide. But it capable enough with eagle-sight and experienced well in hide-and-seek.

Ah, why it has to be despair in every seconds I tried to breathing the life, huh? You hate me enough, dear The Almighty One?

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English · My Chaotic Philosophy · My Writer Side

Heavily Attached

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I’m drunk.
I’m high.
I fly, fly, fly.
That’s worth ten gallons of champagne, million dosage of morphines.
Up in the sky of roses, and multicolored roofs, and heads that held up, wondering.

And by the time you hold my hand, tenderly.
And by the time you kiss me, sparkly.
And by the time you hug and hold me, tightly.

And since when?
Since when the needle of time is freezing, the sand is stop streaming, and the sun has gone.
So we have to wait another time that darkness and light have to fighting each other.
Rise and set, rise and set.

I’m blind.
You blind me.
The hormones, the passion, the blood that rushing through the veins.
Lust and love, fire and ice.

Yet we dancing and dancing.
Both of us in an endless melody, singing an eternal lullaby.

Kiss me again, tightly, gently.
As warm as a first sun of spring.
As beautiful as the angels flying.
As hypnotizing as a pendulum swing.

Because now, after all of this,
I’m drunk.
I’m high.
I fly, and fly, and fly.

Both of us, together.

Bahasa · My Blabber Side · My Chaotic Philosophy

How To Upgrade Your Life

Prologue

I had the feeling that today would be a great day. Didn’t know why and how. I just had that feeling. And apparently, so it is.

 

Main Story

If you started speculating this and that happened today, NOPE, you wrong. Because what? Because today is surprisingly, extremely nothing spectacular. On the contrary of that, it actually pretty sucks if I think about it now. I mean, it CAN BE suck, but guess what, I make it not.

And It isn’t because SOMETHING HAPPENED. It’s because I, myself, MAKE IT HAPPEN.

Today I learnt that, to upgrade your life into a better one actually don’t require series of happiness or extraordinary events. You just have to make the most of your time, make yourself useful, and as simple as that.

And what I did today were:

  1. I crossed all of my to-do list in work today. Like, I crossed EVERYTHING. And it means, I did A LOT. Just knew that it could be the best feeling EVER. Like the combination of satisfication for yourself and the thought of you being a valuable and dedicated worker. Plus, a proud feeling that you used your time wisely. If your day-to-day jobdesk is as sporadical as me (means you have to do this and that, here and there, and most of them don’t related each other) nothing beats that, believe me.
  2. I only ate two times today, and both are vegan, healthy meals! I usually have a massive appetite, I can eat 4-5 times a day, and most of them are junkfoods. So when I choose to be healthy and normal (a normal appetite, I mean) it feels euphoric!
  3. I did my college homework done. It actually due on Saturday, and it just Monday today. Adios, the mistress-of-procrastination me!
  4. I practicing 2 of 4 song material of my piano class in Saturday. I actually had to do it since last week, whereas why I have to get my ass out now. Last week I was a lazy girl who procrastinated too much and now, no more excuse.
  5. I always did something non-stop today. And by the way I said that, it means I always had something I do. No time for laying around scrolling instagram or online window shopping or other useless things that kills my time, no. It actually pretty hard, as I always forget everything, I always forget things that I suppose to do because I have a short-term memory, a real-life Dory. So it kind of hard to repeating and mumbling something to myself over and over again “After this, I have to do A, then B, then C. Don’t forget, do A then B then C, do A then B then C, ….” but it’s works, and it worth!

And by the way I able to optimizing my time, my day becomes great by itself. I didn’t have something that happen , I MADE something happen.

As the digital world went big nowadays, it so easy to have our time consumed, and social media life apparently can be quite toxic. But I learnt today that doing a REAL thing could balance it.

 

Epilogue

Oh, and by the way, I write on blog today, after dissapeared for a long time.

A big plus, isn’t it?

English · My Music Geek Side

Captured Wonderland in My Head

Just watched one of the most whimsical and delicate music videos I’ve ever seen in my live. It represent how I think the Wonderland supposed to be, if it’s ever exist.

The characters, the acts, the costumes, the makeups, the slow-motion effects, the color filters, and many more. Everything just.so.beautiful.

I think I’m in love.

English · My Blabber Side · My Chaotic Philosophy

I Wondering…

How much mistakes needed until one can get it right?
How much tears needed until one can get the smile?
How much pains needed until one can get a victory?
How much scars needed until one deserve true love?
How much lies needed until one can stay on honesty?
How much jealous needed until one can be at peace?
How much insecurities needed until one can stand proudly?
How much sleepless nights needed until one can have a rest safe and sound?

How much sacrifices do we need?
To be alive.
To feel loved.
To be accepted.
To feel recognized.
To be happy.
To feel like we belong to something.

After all this time, how much sacrifices do we need?
And when will it reach to the end?