20 Things I’ve Accomplished in 2018

I was debating myself back and forth about should or shouldn’t I write this post. 2018 felt like a huge disaster for me. Breakdown after a breakdown after a breakdown, failures in every possible aspects in life. But since I’m getting healed and able to see clearer now, well apparently I did a great job too!

So in order to appreciate what Allah and universe had gave to me, Let’s do THIS!

1. Recovered from dyptheria disease and being able to breath and live normally until now.
2. Resigned from my job, again (tho I love the people there, I was not happy so I decided to move out and move on)
3. Have my graphic design and Adobe Illustrator skill on the next level (I learnt by myself, autodidac-ly. Yeah I know I’m awesome like that 😏)
4. Gotten into thesis writing and now facing my thesis defence already. What a long journey.
5. Had my business 80% done (but have to postponed it because, school comes first)
6. Gotten into a business competition and had my business proposal (that I wrote, calculated, analyzed, and designed ALL BY MYSELF) submitted (not winning it but, you know, lesson learned 😉)
7. Got a new job on a corporate company
8. Got a nice number of salary that makes me able to be more financially independent
9. Travelled to another city with my close friends
10. My make up skill is now on the next level too!
11. I don’t need any subtitles anymore to watch american series/movies
12. Got a one-million dollar business idea which gonna be my next-year resolution
13. Interviewed and had a photo with doctor Reisa Brotoasmoro (not a fan of celeb photo-taking but apparently my now-job has bringing me this far)
14. Brought my dad’s car out (without him knowing) and able to brought it back home safely (except the last-minute part where I crashed it to the garage)
15. Able to park the car by my own!
16. I had my friends asking my advices for love, career, and life in general and surprisingly I able to gave them great answer. I think I’ve grown wiser and more knowledgeful now.
17. Gotten super super super into travelling. Something that I’ve never felt before!
18. Being closer to Allah more than I’ve ever been before
19. Discovered a long long journey of self-love and now earned it, completely.

And now I’m debating about whether I should write my goals for the next year here. I always keeping it private but, hmmm… What do you think?

Ps: btw the pic above is no, no, not in Japan. Just a thematic japanese cafe on Jakarta and I posted that in relation to my next year goal 😉 *BIG HINT

A self-validation is a high level of self-love

Baru baca kata-kata seorang influencer yang berusaha menebarkan positif vibes dengan slogan “You are loved. You are wanted.”

Mungkin ini terdengar relevan buat saya beberapa minggu lalu but now not anymore. Instead sekarang menurut saya hal itu dapat melemahkan mental seseorang, terutama perempuan.

Naturally, what matter the most buat seorang perempuan adalah perasaan ingin diakui eksistensinya, dan dalam hal ini termasuk ingin merasa dicintai dan diinginkan juga. Afirmasi, approval, validasi, dalam berbagai bentuk.

Dalam hal romantic relationship misalnya, sering lihat chat pasangan which was meant to be private or to be sent to one particular person only, malah discreenshoot dan dishare kan? Atau parade yg mempertontonkan kemesraan, misalnya? Itu baru dari satu aspek. Masih banyak contoh di aspek lainnya kalau kamu kepoin komunitas feminisme seperti contohnya platform webmagazine Magdalene.co.

Hal-hal seperti itu kebanyakan dilakukan sama perempuan karena naturally perempuan merasa perlu menunjukkan bahwa mereka diinginkan. Validation of existence.

Tapi saya belajar bahwa, se-naturally naturally-nya hal itu, just dont. Just stop. Mencari pengakuan manusia lain itu melelahkan, karena secara nggak langsung kita akan menggantungkan kebahagiaan kita di tangan orang lain.

Kata-kata “You are loved. You are wanted.” itu nggak relevan karena manusia itu berubah setiap saat. Gimana kalo mereka who loves you and wants you, one day doesn’t love neither want you anymore? Habis sudah eksistensi kamu. Habis sudah kebahagiaan kamu.

Mending ganti aja pola pikir kamu dengan “No matter who does or doesnt want or love you, the most important thing is you loves yourself. Because you are great in your way.” Dengan begitu kamu akan meletakkan kebahagiaan kamu di kaki kamu sendiri dan secara otomatis kamu bakal jadi pribadi yg lebih kuat Nggak peduli siapa siapa cinta sama kamu atau enggak, yang penting KAMU cinta sama diri KAMU sendiri. Dan kamu yakin bahwa Tuhan juga cinta sama kamu. Then you’ll feel complete, whole, and stronger. Like, SUPER SUPER STRONG.

I was struggle with this for months even for year. Dealing with this validation-issues. And what? All i’ve got was depression, neverending anxiety, bumping into one person to another one. It was terrible experience, really.

And what heals me? The true acceptance of myself. The self-validation that I dont need anyone to say that they adore me, or want me, or love me, or trust me. I just need me do it all for myself.

So girls, please, love yourself first, trully, dearly, deeply. Caranya seperti apa? Cuma kamu yang tau karena setiap orang berbeda. So you’ll figure it out yourselves ❤️

Something has been opened

This morning is different. The wind, the sky, the road, the ambiences. It somehow feels… lighter. I know its not only because I’ve passed first big step of my thesis, instead it’s because something in the higher world is really happening.

It’s like a new world is opens. The scars and wound still there, but it doesnt hurt anymore. I feel stronger, I feel happier, I feel like reborn.

I still remember the nights I spent on crying and depressed and figuratively heartbleeding, now I feel like those are a tests and exams in order for me to reach this new door that God and the higher world open it for me starting today.

And I pretty much feeling this not just merely for me. It opens for other people who have been healed themselves, and successfully passed the tests. I can see some of my friends and acquaintances are on the next phase too. Some of them married, waiting for first baby, be ready to left their job, get off their past issues, and many more.

So we are in this together, for you who can feel it too, feel the world is migrating into another frequency and therefore feeling the difference, you maybe are one of the reason why it’s happens.

And I can feel The Almighty One is holding a banner that says “CONGRATULATION YOU’RE PASSED THE TEST. WELCOME TO THE NEW WORLD.”

If you can feel it too, hold my hand and we can step into the new door together, with many other lightworkers ❤

I’m Getting Better at This

If this happens back in months ago, I might currently be broken or writing some melodrama words here. But this time, all I do is just smirk, laugh, and be like “Okay that was funny—NEXT!!”

As I realized that, wow wow, what was that? No anxiety? No mental breakdown? No menye-menye teary-cheesy feeling? No anger and hurt feeling at all? And it’s not even a denial! It’s a pure and true content and peaceful feeling! Hmmm, apparently I’m getting better at this, ha? Hehehe.

This is of course not happens overnight. Healing process is not easy at all. It’s a long journey of countless painful nights roasting myself, painfully striping the layers of my own feeling one by one, even the most darkest feeling inside that I tried to hide deeply because I dont want anyone (including me) know. I’m grateful I’ve done it all, past it all, because therefore here I am, now I come to love myself better and better everyday, unconditionally.

And I just realized that the more I love myself and the more I close to Allah, I feel whole. I’m completed and I don’t fear anything.

I, once more, got my strength and armor again now. And this one, a very very powerful one.

So guys, gals, ladies, and gentlemens, now The Queen of Awesome *slash* The Magnificent Warior—both are me—has been re-awakened safe and sound again, ready to rule from the throne.

You better be prepared.

United.

Dear Allah,

Now it’s up to You.
About how and when.
About is or isn’t.
About I’m or I’m not.
About should or shouldn’t.
About who and where.

Because I, they, he, and she, we’re all just a human. We only desires, we only wanting. But we don’t know what is or isn’t right for us. We are stupid and blind.

But You are the only one who knows it all, right?

I know I always blaming You when everything’s went wrong. I always throwing my tantrums on You when I fell apart. But know this, Dear Allah, my love for You is real. And I know You love me too, because since the very beginning, I can feel it.

And now that our love towards each other is real, it’s all up to You, dear Allah. My life, my love, my soul, is in Your hand.

And I know it is on the right hand.