“A warrior dont have a victim mentality.”
I read that verse everytime i open my notion homepage. And i open my notion more than 5 times a day. And its written on the top of my homepage. But believe it or not, that affirmation wont diffused into me, at all.
Actually, im not sure anymore. Maybe tho i affirm myself as a strong person, or might pretend to be strong, i actually have a victim mentality deep down inside of me.
I know i find comfort inside chaos, sadness and depressed feeling. And now i know thats not because it feels good, but it feels the most familiar. Im more familiar with sitting in the middle of a dark tunnel all alone and questioning whether im doing right or wrong, whether the world doing me fair or not, whether God doing me good or not. Happiness, sunny day, and ease, im not familiar with that.
“I want to lie down in the middle of a meadow. Watching stars in the night sky.”
Everytime the night getting late and works getting slow, those underlying things i tried to cover up with works slowly come crawling in my head. The things i tried so hard to swept under the rug and covered with loads of to-do list to keep me busy.
And as they crawling, all i can think about as an escape is just stars, a colorful constellation in the night sky. I might as well stargazing at least once in my lifetime, so that i can believe there are always a light i can hold on to, even in the dark. Because now i cant believe in anything anymore.
Not people. Not time. Not dreams.
I believe stars is where i belong. My home. And im tired of feeling things. I wanna go home.
Wolf Cafe 