My Blabber Side · My Chaotic Philosophy

Hormonal Turbulence

“Oh gosh, why it have to be rain right in my lowest state of mind tonight?”

“You said you never hating rain?”

“I currently hating everything.”

“Why are you seems so feed up, darling?”

“Know what? I currently asking and begging so many things to God. Too much, that seems like I messing with His life”

“Like what?”

“I just kept asking Him why He seems like playing my life yet everyone claimed that He loves me. God loves all of His creatures and treat them with undefeatable affection, they say.”

“You say you believe in God yet you kept asking His way to love you. Everyone has a different and slightly eccentrical way to show their affection, I guess. And if it’s God, then we have no choice.”

“Exactly. We never have a choice. In fact.” I grunt.

“So what’s wrong?”

“Everything!”

“Give me example.”

“He always take my beloved one out of me. He cheat on all my hard hard works. He makes me have to do everything and anything all alone. He make me feel left and unwanted. He doesn’t treat every human in the world equally the same. I feel so consumed. I know He care, but why He always makes me go through this hard way. For many years, no one knows exactly how hard I struggled yet it seems like not enough for Him! Can you believe it? What else should I do to please Him?”

“Whoa, careful of what you thinking, Darling. I guess we doesn’t have to continue this talk.”

“Another avoidance that I’m so tired of.”

“You know, I think you are just tired. Physically as human and psychologically as an introvert.”

“Yeah, maybe you’re right.”

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Bahasa · My Chaotic Philosophy · My Writer Side

Wawancara dengan Tuhan

“Aneh ya, aku sering bertanya-bertanya pada diriku sendiri.”

Jarum jam menunjuk pukul dua dini hari. Satu-satunya penerangan di ruang tertutup itu hanya berasal dari layar kaca datar yang menyorot putih terang menyilaukan. Sepasang mata terpancang layar. Jari menari di atas papan ketik.

Tak, tuk, tak, tuk, tak, tuk.

Langit di luar sana gelap, tanpa keberadaan benda-benda langit. Sunyi dan hampa. Bagai dasar samudera, bagai peraduan bayi yang belum dilahirkan, bagai sisi dalam peti mati dalam liang lahat, bagai tambang batu bara yang ditinggalkan, bagai lubang hitam di luar angkasa—jika memang ada. Bagai….entitas hampa udara.

“Untuk apa manusia diciptakan? Kalau memang untuk membunuh, merusak, merampas, membakar, menghancurkan, melenyapkan, dan semua kata kerja berkonotasi negatif yang tercatat di kamus besar?“

“Kau manusia. Kalau merasa tidak suka diciptakan, iris nadimu saja.”

“Bukan, begini, biar kuperjelas, bukankah kau berpikir ini sangat tidak adil? Maksudku, kita kan tidak menciptakan diri kita sendiri. Tuhan yang menciptakan kita. Tapi Dia lantas menuntut kita untuk berbuat ini-itu dengan mengiming-imingi ganjaran surga atau neraka. Bukankah itu egois?”

“Bagian mananya?”

“Semuanya. Kalau boleh memilih, lebih baik aku tidak usah diciptakan saja. Sulit sekali harus mematuhi ini-itu. Kau tahu, hanya karena suatu entitas memiliki kekuatan yang sangat besar, bukan berarti dia memiliki hak untuk mengendalikan semuanya.”

“Tapi bukankah memang untuk itu suatu entitas berkekuatan besar diciptakan? Untuk mengambil alih kendali?”

“Jangan berpikiran sempit. Kau tahu, baik atau buruk, itu kan pilihan kita sendiri pada akhirnya. Kalau Dia ingin kita bertabiat baik, Dia bisa saja kan membuat kita seperti itu secara mutlak dari awalnya? Itu akan sangat mudah bagi semua pihak. Tapi Dia malah menciptakan kita dengan kemampuan untuk berbuat semau kita. Ya tentu saja akan ada yang buruk juga nantinya. Maksudku, Dia punya kemampuan untuk membuat kita semua MASUK dalam surgaNya. Tapi Dia malah tidak menggunakan kemampuan itu. Mengapa menurutmu? Supaya neraka yang Dia ciptakan bisa ada isinya? Atau apakah terka-menerka mana-yang-akan-masuk-neraka-dan-mana-yang-surga menjadi permainan yang seru untuk-Nya?”

“Hmm… Menurutku Tuhan ingin memberikan kita pilihan.”

“Pilihan kalau berbuat baik masuk surga dan kalau jahat masuk neraka? Itu sih hukum yang Dia buat sendiri. Lihat kan, kita mungkin diberikan pilihan, tapi pada dasarnya kita diperdaya.”

“Kupikir memang hukum seharusnya ada.”

“Kau gampang diperdaya, ya?”

“Ah, kau terlalu liberalis.”

“Terserah. Intinya, kalau yang bisa manusia lakukan adalah merusak dan menghancurkan, mengapa Tuhan menciptakan manusia, kau pikir? Bukankah lebih gampang menciptakan dewi-dewi pelindung alam saja, gitu, misalnya?”

“………….”

“Hei?”

“………….”

“Kau masih di sana?”

“…………”

“Hei, kenapa malah diam?”

“Ketika Tuhan menciptakan manusia, mungkin Ia sedang antara bosan atau punya selera humor yang sangat besar.”

“Apa? Bagaimana? Ceritakan padaku.”

“Menciptakan suatu makhluk yang sudah kau setel apa maunya, itu membosankan, kan.”

“Tidak ada unsur kejutannya, ya?”

“Hm, itu termasuk yang kedua. Selera humor yang baik tentu dapat menerima serangan kejut dengan lebih mudah. Maksudku, tinggal tertawa saja.”

“Seperti: ‘Hahahaha aku sudah tau si A ini akan membuat sumber energi nuklir dan meledakkan chernobyl, seru kan? Seru kan?’ atau ‘Hahaha aku sudah tahu sekte rahasia ini sebenarnya berusaha mengendalikan dunia dengan mencoba mengadu-domba umat-umat tak-rahasia yang ada tapi nantinya malah akan menghancurkan dirinya sendiri. Bagaimana? Tidak tertebak kan endingnya?’ Begitu?”

“Yah, kurang lebih.”

“Seperti anak kecil yang memutar jukebox dan tertawa ketika ia dikejutkan oleh badut yang keluar dari dalamnya?”

“Persis.”

“Ih, egois sekali.”

“Egois?”

“Membuat makhluk ciptaan-Nya memainkan permainan yang sangat lucu untuk-Nya sendiri. Menurutmu bagaimana?”

“Bagaimana?”

“Kalau jadi Dia, aku tentu saja akan tertawa terbahak-bahak melihat manusia bahkan saling membunuh untuk memperebutkan harta karun yang sebenarnya milikku. Lalu saat atmosfirnya mulai membosankan, aku bisa saja tiba-tiba mengambilnya kembali dan menjatuhkannya untuk orang lain. Maka permainan akan kembali menarik.”

“Hahahahaha!”

“Kenapa malah tertawa?”

“Kau tahu? Kurasa ada benarnya juga. Teorimu itu, maksudku.”

“Nah, nah, rupanya kau mulai berpikiran sama denganku kan, ha!”

 “Yah, bagaimana ya membalasnya? Tapi sini, kuberikan pengakuan resmi.”

“Pengakuan? Pengakuan apa?”

“Kau tahu, Aku pikir Aku memang egois.”

Satu-satunya penerangan di ruang tertutup itu hanya berasal dari layar kaca datar yang menyorot putih terang menyilaukan. Sepasang mata terpancang layar. Jari terpaku di atas papan ketik sementara jarum jam menunjuk pukul dua tiga puluh dini hari, suaranya keras menggema sunyi.

Tik, tik, tik, tik, tik, tik.

My Blabber Side · My Chaotic Philosophy

For Life, Choose One That Matter The Most

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I came home with such a frustration. I threw away my stilettos, yes that pretty killer (in a literal way) stilettos that broke both of my banks and feet. I started rambling the kitchen, ‘I need coffee’ I said to myself. I need coffee as if I need drugs.

A little teaspoon of sugar, because I still have trauma with my father’s diabetic issue. A perfect pour of hot water. Okay, I got it. Then I brought myself up to the second stair, right into my room. Threw my bag to the corner, change my clothes into the comfort one, and boomed my room with ALL TIME LOW album. ‘Don’t Panic’, the tittle is.

As I fell to the floor and sipped my coffee, I started crying. I consumed so bad that day. It was so many people before, I had to deal with so many talks and eyes and feet that clacked the soft rug beneath me. It was a worst feeling.

But no, that’s not actually the worst, I realized.

People said that Graduation is such a merry happiness. It was all about perfect makeup, photographs, caps, flowers, doll gifts and tons of people say congrats to you. They say it was about celebration. I agree, but also disagree.

It’s true that my makeup was perfect, and my gown, and my stilettos too (except the fact that it killed my feet). I was so proud. So happy. So merry, so joyful. But deep inside I was so scared to death. The fact that I will go to the ‘real’ world, that I don’t ever wanted is killing me. Graduation means facing the new world. But for me, not that way. Not that world.

The red rose that was hand over by my junior, with a pink envelope and note in heart shape said “Happy Graduation.” It was so sweet of her. But apparently, I’m not happy.

I cried hard. My merry feeling went up to the sky, gone. I unactivated my phone, because I couldn’t handle too many social response that time. I torn, buried myself in the corner of my room. No matter how chessy it sounds.

Fast forward, two weeks later, so many of them got accepted by many related companies and starting their own real life. It was so cool of them. I nearly felt envious and jealous and about to lower my pride and started apply too. I want to get the best, like Hanah Montana said, “The Best for Both Worlds”. I wanted this, I wanted that. I wanted to get everything, I was about to be greedily blind.

But it’s about be genuine. I. You. We. Us. Everything in different shapes, comes with different manner. I realized. Let’s start talking about the right proportion, in the most realistic way.

‘If you try to sit on two chairs, you will fall between them. For life, you must choose one chair.’

It slap me, right on the face. Then I decided. I couldn’t get everything. Because we don’t mean to get everything in life. You have to sacrifice, in the most genuine manner to your heart.

My Blabber Side · My Chaotic Philosophy

Recover and Preach

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I’ve been wondering lately, what friend actually is. Is that as simple as ‘people who say hi for you constantly’ or ‘people who follows you and likes your posts on social medias’ or ‘people who telling nice things for you always’ or what. What else? Suddenly the profound things becomes shallow and vague.

I’ve made too many distance and space lately. Realized or not. Intention or accidental. It’s not hate, obviously. But I tried not to be fake or wear a mask as possible as I could. But then again, I do it again and again and again. Plastic smiles and laughs and nice acts. Compiled. Nauseated.

Humans are social creatures, that’s the reason? I wondering. No matter what, to be accepted, aquired, qualified, would be the final goals in the end.

But no, no, that’s too dangerous and risky. What’s the point of being accepted if you can be thrown away easily the next day. Everybody hates liar.

But everybody hates rotten honesty too.

Wait. It’s confusing.

Before all, it actually just a simple answer of “What’s me for you” and “What’s you for me” questions. But I don’t need more artificial reason-over-reason anymore.

And, I guess, we all aren’t.

Music · My Blabber Side · My Chaotic Philosophy · My Music Geek Side

Someday When I Grown Up to Someone I’ve Always Been Dreaming of, Would I Laugh When Remembering These Present Times?

Between take care of proposal this and that, meeting here and there, analysis practical now and then, and report assignments one after (or even before) another, I’m curious how could I still manage to breathe. Thus as a climax, season of practical exams come again like life doesn’t allow me to take even few minutes to relax. Just hear about that words, “Practical exams” my head become more chaotic than ever. Too chaos that I feel just… blank.

Now that I have one whole week at home before those all begin, I have more spare time (which I supposed to study but I’m not) to start figuring out everything from the very beginning.

The things that I have to do now with countless tears and sacrifice, what it is for?
What the most precious thing for me now?
What the things that right for me are?
What is matter the most for me?
What the most valuable thing on me?
What I really want for my life?

Now that I stop to listen to other people and tend to be true for myself. But, still, I can’t overcome the feeling that everyday I’m losing my precious things, one by one. Including my lifetime.

Sometimes I tried to understand about what I really thinking about, what I really wishing for. So many things I can’t understand even now. Sometimes when I walk in the street, I stop by just to see how everything is going around me. That pedicab driver, is he happy with his job? That bussiness woman, is she having a good time of her life? That laughing childs, is they already know what the meaning of life? That mother, why she still wants to have a baby eventhough the cost of living become so incredible today? That punk street-singers, did they had graduated from school or even rejected it?

And how about me? I literally have everything. A warm house, intact family, well educated, complete body parts, eat three times a day even more, but why I still has lost something in my life? However so many people with incapability, how about them? I’m really shallow as a human, right? I can’t bear with the fact that I grieving a lot while so many people out there would die to have my life.

Spending all my time almost every single hours in this week in front of laptop, somehow few answer of my questions just show itself. Like, “Yes, I know I meant to that” and “Apparently this is what I really am” and “This is the right thing for me” but when I take back myself into the reality I have to face, it just like something has seized from me rudely. When people around me talk about the future, I won’t have much to say. Why? Because I can’t stop the feeling that the right future will not come to me, ever.

Then I started to ask to myself, why I want this and not that? If it is going that case, everything would seems easier. I’m not really an open person. Afterall, if only I tell somebody, then they will reply or even giving advice, it always comes to: NO, YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND. It’s not like this. It’s not gonna happen like that, YOU ARE WRONG.

Now I understand, life is not confusing. Even, life is fair. The fairest thing that we could imagine. However, human who makes it more dificult that it really is. Like, how the power of chaotic mind could make the body fell sick eventhough the doctor couldn’t find any disease. Like my body nowadays.

If only I had surplus money, I would go to psychologist or mental therapist for sure.

My Artist Side · My Blabber Side · My Writer Side

Die In The Name Of Roses

May die, may die, thou díere Princess.
By thy rósen thou slaept.
May rósen, may rósen, thou díere Princess.
By thy petals thou téars swept.
REST IN PEACE, PRINCESS.

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PS: When both the lecture and lecturer start to piss you off and you can’t take it anymore and decide to not pay attention anymore and start to take yourself off into your own imagination.

I think I’m started to obsessed with dramatically agony kind of story that filled with dramatically death.

My Blabber Side · My Writer Side

Twist of Reality

Everytime I wake up and recall the recent dream, it’s always about the real life. MY real life. With the real person I knew, real place I used, real activity I did. No more absurd things, no more delusion, no more fantasy. My subconscious mind had authorized by the reality. Guess I not used to blowminding anymore. I just… don’t have enough time.

It frightens me that someday I might lost my imaginity. My treasure ability.

NB: Today I dropped by Books & Beyond bookstore and I bought this.

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Actually I don’t know why I bought this. It felt like I was think about something else and didn’t really had my mind setted on. Can’t stop asking me why I paid for and brought it home. Pray for it be a good book, hey?