I think if I need one tutorial right now, it’s about “How to Not Being and Feeling Useless in Life” or “How to Not Being and Feeling Failed in Life” as an alternative, though the latter need some adjustments because I’ve failed already.
It most likely that anything in my life is a failure right now. Academic, career, love life, friendship, business, financial state, health. Name the aspect, I got it. And even without that thrilled failures, this anxiety is enough to steal my sanity almost per every 12 hours. See, WOOHOO–ain’t this extreme roller-coaster ride is fun, huh?
Many friends said “Well you can talk to me anytime! You’re not alone!” but there’s still no one come. So I come back to God, not to have an intimate talk, I’d rather, and still, throwing my dissapointment and tantrums on Him. Yup, I’m in a love-hate relationship with God and a soulmate-enemy relationship with myself. I’m sorry dear God, it’s not You, it’s me.
Sometimes in many nights before asleep (if I can even sleep) I say to God, “It’s okay if I never wake up tomorrow.” but I keep waking up in the next morning, again and again. He is so intense, isn’t Him?
And I’m now in a mental state where I randomly talk to the stray cats “Hey, living as you seems nice. How about we exchange the body? I be you and you be me? No? Well, I don’t wanna be myself too. If you don’t wanna be me then who would be me? I can’t be a hollow body ain’t I? Oh, it’s confusing.”
I still fangirling over Janitra Satriani and one of my favorite song from him is 21. But everytime I listen to that song, I feel like laughing out of despair.
Twenty-one and lost in life.
Lost in the wild life.
Twenty-one and lost in life.
Too young to die,
Too late to start again.
Like, you’re just 21 and feeling frustratedly broken and left out? How if you even be me, twenty four and still in that state, huh? Bro, welcome to the club. Here, here, let’s cheer on.
So above everything all, rejections and unapprovals are two of things I found it so hard to handle. Not to mention twenty-ish is the 10-years-lenght of human to seeking approval. But I found it, from a very young age, that I can’t dealing with it without something inside me mentally broken. That’s the result of many years of being mentally-bullied in junior high school, I guess.
But through that too, I guess that’s how I found a comfort and safe in fantasy and whimsicality. A hidden place for an escapist. So everytime I’m blackout by the draining life, my mind automatically shifting a real world into a fantasy one.
Ah, now I finally get it where my minor schizophrenic behavior came from.
But today, while feeling ultimately left out and broke sitting in the side of street, I randomly helped an old woman (because I’m a weak-hearted for old humans) and feeling a real better after that. Oh, apparently I’m not that useless. Somebody never being too decayed to be a great help to another person.
Wow, such a nice phrase come from me who about 1 hour left to the daily anxiety attack, isn’t it?
See, isn’t it nice to be someone who always going through 500-emotions every single day and and still have to getting failures in every possible aspects in life, all in one time? It’s Nice. Sure.
And yes, it’s a sarcasm.