English · My Blabber Side · My Chaotic Philosophy

To The Better Days Before

When I was younger, about 19 to 21, curing anxiety is always been that easy. Either it’s books, or drawing, watching movies, or severe band fangirling, any of that and around will works. Eventhough those three years are the hardest, used to be the hardest.

Now it doesnt work anymore. And I just realized, everytime the massive wave of anxiety and frustrations hit me, my stomach will react with the same stress. Causing pain and producing acidity in a level that my body can’t hold on anymore. I think that’s why I got ulcer, and in the same time, having my immunity goes down hence all the diseases and illness comes in a neverending series.

I just wondering, why it never be the same? I suffer the same anxiety and frustration on the older days, why it was easy to escape before? Why it doesn’t work now?

English · My Blabber Side


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I hate this.

I hate when the clock strikes 2 AM yet still I can’t close my eyes. I hate when this familiar yet frustrating feeling coming upon and attacking me. I hate this sense of separation anxiety, loneliness, insecurity, inferiority complex, envy, and hatred comes altogether in undeniable package. I hate them all.

I hate this familiar feeling as if my throat is choked, holding uncontrolably sobs that will come upon me. I hate when my head is panickly turning around, searching for help, or any person to hold on to. Anyone, please.

I hate this even more since it happens every night, over a month.

I hate when my body acting strange whenever I’m up a little bit too long. I hate of being both mentally and physically sick at the same time.

I hate when I have to questioning every night, about when will it comes to end.

#TheMorningTales · English · My Blabber Side

#TheMorningTales: Taking The Risk


I went out of home thinking about sandwich and bed. Hungry and sleepy dominated my entire brain and digestion system. It was actually a nice cloudy morning, but no morning would ever feels nice for a not-a-morning person.

The road was densed by two-wheels and four-wheels vehicles. Saturating the air with grayish emmission and never-ending clanked horns. I wondered if everyone feeling this same morning sickness like me. I wondered if everyone wanna give up and go home. I wondered if those who tucked safely in their car feels more miserable or safer than motorbiker like me?

I should try to be them.

Wait, yeah.

My parents will go out of town this weekend in order to attend my cousins’s wedding (which I unfortunately can’t attend due to thesis meeting). I can just drive my father’s car away. I still can’t park the car properly and my father said I’m a reckless car driver. But whatever. I’ve never drive the car without him on my side, telling me this and that and this is a silly careless decision. But this time I wanna be my own pilot, or else I can never do a thing.

Okay, settled then. Let’s pray no one at home so I can steal my father’s car away for a day.

English · My Chaotic Philosophy

You’re Not Alone. I’m Holding You. It’s Gonna be Okay.


You know what really toxic is? When you’re already on an excruciation yet you’re grieving that misery and sorrow. You can’t help it. You’re poisoning yourself.

I’m trying to rationalizing.

But you failed.

I always failing afterall.

And I’m trying to help. When first we met, I didnt know your name but I called you ‘Matahari’. A sun. Remember?

Because I’m really loud and overly excited when I talking about something I love and it’s annoyed you. Because sun is annoying as well.

You’re really loud, it’s true. A lil’ bit annoying, it’s also true. But I don’t think sun is annoying.

Well, at least for me it is.

You’re shining, full of life, radiant across the room. That’s you when I see you. That’s why I’m instantly attached. But when you’re grieving and mourning, you’ll lose your sparks.

Sun is not my favorite tho and I’m not asking you to be attached.

You know? I did remember when I was, too, as bitter as you.

And you’ve overcome that?

I past it all.


By joking myself, laughing at my misfortunes, and even draw some caricatures based on it. First: my caricatures got appreciated, some even sold for a t-shirt, and second: I learnt to not taking seriously my despairs. Life is life. We’re happy and we’re depressed. They have their own turns.

First: I can’t draw caricatures and not even in a mood for drawing. Second: I’m alone, so leave me alone.

I won’t.


Because you need someone to sit you or else you’ll harm yourself.

I’m not a suicidal person, don’t worry.

But you still mentally poisoning yourself. Like I said, it’s toxic. Equal to suicide, in an indirect and slower way.


Okay what?

You’re right.

I knew it.

Just watch over me while I drowning in my agony and slowly gathering my broken pieces altogether, okay?

I will, don’t worry. You’re not alone. I’m with you. You’ll be okay.

Promise me.

I’m promise.

English · My Blabber Side · My Chaotic Philosophy

Pursuing Our True Selves

Main Story

“I’m really really really a showbiz person, you know, Lad?!”, she said that day. On the late afternoon of 24 December at our office room in 2016, where it was just the two of us (everybody else is out on their meetings), wrapping presents for office’s Secret Santa event that will be held on the evening.

She blurted that out when we’re talking about career, life projections, goals, and something like that. I know, such a high quality topic amidst pile of glittery wrapping paper and clear tapes on our fingers, right?

Actually, I didn’t (and still don’t) know what she means with ‘showbiz person’. What’s showbiz means anyway? But she likes modelling and acting and that kind of stuff so I assume showbiz means something to do with spotlights, costumes, script-reading, acting, and light-camera-action. Am I even close to it? No? Okay.

As much as I held myself not to ask her what showbiz means (because sometimes I’m a stupid potato and prone to embarassed myself), I already familiar with the feeling underneath her words. It felt like I can already hear she went on “I don’t care about going to the same place from Monday all the way though Friday, from nine to five, doing the same thing, meeting the same people, deal with the same bullshit—“ and on and on. Yeah, I’m extremely familiar with that.

“When I was a little girl, I always wanted to be a news anchor! They sounds really cool and bonafide and all!” She continued with the same sparkle in her eyes. Ugh, so bright. Despite that she is a pretty humanbeing that sure will makes every male bend their knees to her instantly, people will always look more attractive when they’re talk honest about things they love. So for her case, the brightness level is doubled up. Like a venus with gold halo up on her head. Don’t look at her, you’ll be blind.

About things that we talked about later, I don’t remember. I believe it included some office gossips, or which presents box that we targetted on or whether I’ve ever smoke or drink alcohol (just a clarification: I NEVER) or anything else. But she already made clear the reason why she left the office 5 months later (after just working there for 7 months). She wants to chase her passion.

Familiar phrase. Familiar feeling.

Now, nearly eight months later, her face is familiar in youtube cinemascape and indie filmscape. she plays in some mini sitcom by a local magazine, starred in an indie movie, been a model of some local fashion brands, an actress on a local band’s new music video. She nailed it, right in front of everyone’s face.

I still don’t know what’s showbiz means, maybe I’m just too lazy to google an oxford dictionary. But by seeing her, I think now a little bit I know, I can figure it out, finally.

And that’s a story about chasing a passion. Another story about gambling with life and fight for the what one’s believe. A story about pursuing our very, very, true selves of us.

English · My Chaotic Philosophy

Do You know What’s This Mean?


I bet you wouldn’t understand. But today, exactly today, I choose the independence.

Now I’m stronger, much more stronger.

Now I’m fearless, cautions and warnings are nothing.

Now I’m visionary, ready to fly and soar high.

Try to move or crush me. No one can’t.

Never anymore.