#TheMorningTales · English · My Chaotic Philosophy

#TheMorningTales: Not Today

You know what is the hardest part of getting anxiety attack in the morning? The fact that at the same time you supposd to be fully functioning in work.

I have so many chats and messages on my phone, waiting to be taken care of. But my mind is blackout right now. It’s just hard even to take a breath and getting into the business sound so, so impossible. This is the most hateful part of having to work with human rather than work with computer. I’ve never been a people person, especially right when mental ilness attacks.

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English · My Chaotic Philosophy

Canned Drinks Becomes Necessity Nowadays

Buy this because of its package. Green tea flavor, spring of Taiwan beer.Taste good! . . . 「他們需要剛剛好的醉度,把不能說的話吞下去,把最想說的話說出來。對,冬天已經結束了。」___________春

I never really cheers.

I mean, a ‘drink’ cheers.

Not only because of the fact that I dont consume alcohol (even in the middle of depression when all I can do is staring at bottle of alcohols and cigarettes in convenience stores and wondering what they feels like, but ends up going home with pocky and yoghurt instead), it’s because I never really found of canned drinks too, especially when it strongly related to soda drinks, since I’m not much a soda fan.

But after I watched Gilmore Girls (yes, this is one of those series I’m obsessed with) in the episode where Lorelai crashes Sookie and Jason’s house to cheers and drink because they are runout of money and aren’t able to build the inn of their dream, that’s when my AH-HA! moment come. FYI, the meaning sense of it, sometimes it’s okay to laugh at your life, your problem, your failures. Just laugh it away! Just take your bottle and cheers for life!

So since that, I started to keen at canned drinks, since I have so many failures and mishaps to be cheers on. Started from regular coke and sprite (I like sprite more), fruit flavoured soda, canned coffee, canned milk, canned fruit juice.

I’m still on the searching for a perfect cheering drinks, since alcohol is not an option for me. But I still can’t find it tho.

But well, still a lot of failures to be cheering on anyway, then if the search for a perfect drink companion is not over, so be it. And if you have some favorites, tell me so we can praise about how great our drinks while cheering our failures now and then.

Image: Glenda Weng on Pinterest

English · My Blabber Side · My Chaotic Philosophy

How to Spend Your Long-Weekend Holiday:

  1. Constantly pretend you’re working on your thesis
  2. Work on your thesis at last (only for 120 intense minutes tho)
  3. Have anxiety attack in the middle of thesis writing
  4. Wonder about the miserable life
  5. Laugh at the miserable life
  6. Cry
  7. Watch Gossip Girl
  8. Continue thesis writing
  9. Practically eat Indomie for breakfast, lunch, and dinner because Indomie is your comfort food (whoever invented Indomie, bless you)
  10. Realize you are an emotional eater
  11. But you keep eating anyway
  12. Block a guy that you’ve been talking to everyday since some months ago
  13. Wondering why you never meet the love of your life
  14. Throw tantrums on another guy who tries to chat you and realize THIS IS WHY
  15. Watch Netflix’s Girlboss series
  16. Get a mental breakdown and realizing how broke, lonely, and depressed you are
  17. Hiding from the world
  18. Tries to rise up by watching some videos about your dream postgraduate college abroad
  19. Realizing that you are a loser and your life is a train of failures
  20. Cry for the 423543654 times.
  21. Look at the clock and realizing it’s already evening and you got to work again tomorrow and it was a long-weekend well spent.

 

Yeah, you’re welcome.

English · My Chaotic Philosophy

Life, from The Eyes of 24 Years Old

I think if I need one tutorial right now, it’s about “How to Not Being and Feeling Useless in Life” or “How to Not Being and Feeling Failed in Life” as an alternative, though the latter need some adjustments because I’ve failed already.

It most likely that anything in my life is a failure right now. Academic, career, love life, friendship, business, financial state, health. Name the aspect, I got it. And even without that thrilled failures, this anxiety is enough to steal my sanity almost per every 12 hours. See, WOOHOO–ain’t this extreme roller-coaster ride is fun, huh?

Many friends said “Well you can talk to me anytime! You’re not alone!” but there’s still no one come. So I come back to God, not to have an intimate talk, I’d rather, and still, throwing my dissapointment and tantrums on Him. Yup, I’m in a love-hate relationship with God and a soulmate-enemy relationship with myself. I’m sorry dear God, it’s not You, it’s me.

Sometimes in many nights before asleep (if I can even sleep) I say to God, “It’s okay if I never wake up tomorrow.” but I keep waking up in the next morning, again and again. He is so intense, isn’t Him?

And I’m now in a mental state where I randomly talk to the stray cats “Hey, living as you seems nice. How about we exchange the body? I be you and you be me? No? Well, I don’t wanna be myself too. If you don’t wanna be me then who would be me? I can’t be a hollow body ain’t I? Oh, it’s confusing.”

I still fangirling over Janitra Satriani and one of my favorite song from him is 21. But everytime I listen to that song, I feel like laughing out of despair.

Twenty-one and lost in life.
Where’s everyone?
Lost in the wild life.
Twenty-one and lost in life.
Too young to die,
Too late to start again.

Like, you’re just 21 and feeling frustratedly broken and left out? How if you even be me, twenty four and still in that state, huh? Bro, welcome to the club. Here, here, let’s cheer on.

So above everything all, rejections and unapprovals are two of things I found it so hard to handle. Not to mention twenty-ish is the 10-years-lenght of human to seeking approval. But I found it, from a very young age, that I can’t dealing with it without something inside me mentally broken. That’s the result of many years of being mentally-bullied in junior high school, I guess.

But through that too, I guess that’s how I found a comfort and safe in fantasy and whimsicality. A hidden place for an escapist. So everytime I’m blackout by the draining life, my mind automatically shifting a real world into a fantasy one.

Ah, now I finally get it where my minor schizophrenic behavior came from.

But today, while feeling ultimately left out and broke sitting in the side of street, I randomly helped an old woman (because I’m a weak-hearted for old humans) and feeling a real better after that. Oh, apparently I’m not that useless. Somebody never being too decayed to be a great help to another person.

Wow, such a nice phrase come from me who about 1 hour left to the daily anxiety attack, isn’t it?

See, isn’t it nice to be someone who always going through 500-emotions every single day and and still have to getting failures in every possible aspects in life, all in one time? It’s Nice. Sure.

And yes, it’s a sarcasm.

English · My Chaotic Philosophy

#LearnToday 15: One-on-One Track

“If you feeling left behind, maybe you just not meant to have a same track and timing as other people. No, not because you’re not good enough. It’s because you have your own pace. You’re a unique, special, and solid gold.

So instead of endlessly, toxically, comparing other’s life with yours, how about complimenting your own track by living it to the fullest?”

#TheMorningTales · English · My Photography Junkie

#TheMorningTales: Lingering Tangerine

According to how much I find uncomfortability about morning, the rare moment when I got up early and feeling great about it is always shocked yet amazed me. We never really goes together, me and the sun, but I managed to snap some of the beauty it left in the form of shadows trays and plays.

morning 2

morning 3

morning 4

morning 5

Say, I might be a little bit obsessed with homey-cozy-moody photographs on pinterest. these pictures, more or less, reflect it. The slow and still life I always craving for, from some unusual corner of my parent’s house.

morning 6

morning 7

morning 8

morning 9

morning 10

I have many things to do today. A hint: I’m currently and still struggling to get my thesis done before August begin (which sounds like impossible now). Nevertheless, may your morning coffee be strong, errands be smooth, and God blesses always.

Good morning everyone!

morning 1

PS: All photos are mine so in case you’d like to repost it somewhere, a credit would be nice! 🙂