My Blabber Side · My Chaotic Philosophy · English

How to Spend Your Long-Weekend Holiday:

  1. Constantly pretend you’re working on your thesis
  2. Work on your thesis at last (only for 120 intense minutes tho)
  3. Have anxiety attack in the middle of thesis writing
  4. Wonder about the miserable life
  5. Laugh at the miserable life
  6. Cry
  7. Watch Gossip Girl
  8. Continue thesis writing
  9. Practically eat Indomie for breakfast, lunch, and dinner because Indomie is your comfort food (whoever invented Indomie, bless you)
  10. Realize you are an emotional eater
  11. But you keep eating anyway
  12. Block a guy that you’ve been talking to everyday since some months ago
  13. Wondering why you never meet the love of your life
  14. Throw tantrums on another guy who tries to chat you and realize THIS IS WHY
  15. Watch Netflix’s Girlboss series
  16. Get a mental breakdown and realizing how broke, lonely, and depressed you are
  17. Hiding from the world
  18. Tries to rise up by watching some videos about your dream postgraduate college abroad
  19. Realizing that you are a loser and your life is a train of failures
  20. Cry for the 423543654 times.
  21. Look at the clock and realizing it’s already evening and you got to work again tomorrow and it was a long-weekend well spent.

 

Yeah, you’re welcome.

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English · My Chaotic Philosophy

Life, from The Eyes of 24 Years Old

I think if I need one tutorial right now, it’s about “How to Not Being and Feeling Useless in Life” or “How to Not Being and Feeling Failed in Life” as an alternative, though the latter need some adjustments because I’ve failed already.

It most likely that anything in my life is a failure right now. Academic, career, love life, friendship, business, financial state, health. Name the aspect, I got it. And even without that thrilled failures, this anxiety is enough to steal my sanity almost per every 12 hours. See, WOOHOO–ain’t this extreme roller-coaster ride is fun, huh?

Many friends said “Well you can talk to me anytime! You’re not alone!” but there’s still no one come. So I come back to God, not to have an intimate talk, I’d rather, and still, throwing my dissapointment and tantrums on Him. Yup, I’m in a love-hate relationship with God and a soulmate-enemy relationship with myself. I’m sorry dear God, it’s not You, it’s me.

Sometimes in many nights before asleep (if I can even sleep) I say to God, “It’s okay if I never wake up tomorrow.” but I keep waking up in the next morning, again and again. He is so intense, isn’t Him?

And I’m now in a mental state where I randomly talk to the stray cats “Hey, living as you seems nice. How about we exchange the body? I be you and you be me? No? Well, I don’t wanna be myself too. If you don’t wanna be me then who would be me? I can’t be a hollow body ain’t I? Oh, it’s confusing.”

I still fangirling over Janitra Satriani and one of my favorite song from him is 21. But everytime I listen to that song, I feel like laughing out of despair.

Twenty-one and lost in life.
Where’s everyone?
Lost in the wild life.
Twenty-one and lost in life.
Too young to die,
Too late to start again.

Like, you’re just 21 and feeling frustratedly broken and left out? How if you even be me, twenty four and still in that state, huh? Bro, welcome to the club. Here, here, let’s cheer on.

So above everything all, rejections and unapprovals are two of things I found it so hard to handle. Not to mention twenty-ish is the 10-years-lenght of human to seeking approval. But I found it, from a very young age, that I can’t dealing with it without something inside me mentally broken. That’s the result of many years of being mentally-bullied in junior high school, I guess.

But through that too, I guess that’s how I found a comfort and safe in fantasy and whimsicality. A hidden place for an escapist. So everytime I’m blackout by the draining life, my mind automatically shifting a real world into a fantasy one.

Ah, now I finally get it where my minor schizophrenic behavior came from.

But today, while feeling ultimately left out and broke sitting in the side of street, I randomly helped an old woman (because I’m a weak-hearted for old humans) and feeling a real better after that. Oh, apparently I’m not that useless. Somebody never being too decayed to be a great help to another person.

Wow, such a nice phrase come from me who about 1 hour left to the daily anxiety attack, isn’t it?

See, isn’t it nice to be someone who always going through 500-emotions every single day and and still have to getting failures in every possible aspects in life, all in one time? It’s Nice. Sure.

And yes, it’s a sarcasm.

English · My Chaotic Philosophy

#LearnToday 15: One-on-One Track

“If you feeling left behind, maybe you just not meant to have a same track and timing as other people. No, not because you’re not good enough. It’s because you have your own pace. You’re a unique, special, and solid gold.

So instead of endlessly, toxically, comparing other’s life with yours, how about complimenting your own track by living it to the fullest?”

#TheMorningTales · English · My Photography Junkie

#TheMorningTales: Lingering Tangerine

According to how much I find uncomfortability about morning, the rare moment when I got up early and feeling great about it is always shocked yet amazed me. We never really goes together, me and the sun, but I managed to snap some of the beauty it left in the form of shadows trays and plays.

morning 2

morning 3

morning 4

morning 5

Say, I might be a little bit obsessed with homey-cozy-moody photographs on pinterest. these pictures, more or less, reflect it. The slow and still life I always craving for, from some unusual corner of my parent’s house.

morning 6

morning 7

morning 8

morning 9

morning 10

I have many things to do today. A hint: I’m currently and still struggling to get my thesis done before August begin (which sounds like impossible now). Nevertheless, may your morning coffee be strong, errands be smooth, and God blesses always.

Good morning everyone!

morning 1

PS: All photos are mine so in case you’d like to repost it somewhere, a credit would be nice! 🙂

#TheMorningTales · My Chaotic Philosophy

#TheMorningTales: I thought I Learnt, and Healed. I’m not.

There’s not a surprise now that people said gloomy weather calls for more depressive feeling. I love it like it always have been giving me a certain, joyful feeling before. But today is kind of different.

This certain weather, certain time, certain circumstances, dances altogether in recalling me of something, a painful one. And it hits me real hard. It just like a sudden thunderstorm came when you strolling on the sunny beachside and then leave just like that within seconds.

I supposed to functioning well today, numerous things to do and life is shouting for an action, but once a wave of depression came even it just a few minutes—a few of TORTURING minutes—it always so hard to get up. And now I can just curling in my bed, wondering why my heart aches so bad.

I thought I healed. But it seems likely I’m not, yet.

English · My Chaotic Philosophy

There’s a Demon in My Head, and It Won’t Go away

 

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The fact that depression always crawling over and revisiting you once in a while, I think there will nothing ever the same with the fact that you keep on losing what is and who is important to you. Even Ramadan didn’t feel like it is as always, since I losing my dear aunt who has been like my second mother.

I started to feel like not being myself. I signed out from so many social circles, shut myself up in my room, being ill-mannered to people around me, shoved so many people out of my sight while at the same time crying for help.

I guess nothing will ever be the same since this state of mental illness comes to me regularly. Panicking over little things and have a neverending phase of separation anxiety is just a common circumstance nowadays. Last night, I dreamt of having everyone leaving me. I don’t know where they’re gone. What I know is, it left my sight blurred and blackout, and the next thing I know is I wake up crying.

I considered myself is an expert of life surviving through harsh reality and fate. I always had that kind of armor that I always boasting of. I forged it through the arduous years of a cycle of broke down-cried-got up-struggling-broke down again-cried again-got up again. I didn’t even need anyone back then. I was so strong that I could held myself all alone.

But apparently not this time. I still struggling to recover even after months and months and it never gets better. It’s always a constant feeling of stunted, resented, and unwanted. Even a short getaway or a meetup with friends are no longer healing, it merely a little distraction before those demons and toxic feelings caught me again.

“Recovery won’t take a long time.” A friend said to me.

Apparently, not this time.

I wondering why it creeps me in the first time, and I still can’t find the answer myself. I prefer to think that some of us will get caught in this phase called rock bottom for once in a while. Because listening to podcasts and reading about people who cope with depression almost entire time of their life makes me startled and shivering. Just a few months and I can’t seem to bear with it. How it feels like to deal with it for 25 years?

Maybe it’s my bad sleeping habit?
Maybe it’s my even worst food intake?
Maybe I’m too cruel on myself?
Or maybe I just take it the wrong way?

I tried to fix what I can fix. The majority of people doesn’t have their life put together, I’m aware. Hence maybe it just a quarter-life crisis starting too early and, definitely, too extreme. I still doesn’t belong anywhere and anyone and I can’t bring myself to trust those mental helpers enough to tell them what exactly my problems are but I guess I have to try.

And I guess I should life longer.

And I guess, there’s business to be grown and taken care of, thesis to be finished, graduation to be attend, people to be fell in love with, and rejections to be winged.

Along with those demons that I should learn how to get along with.

 

My Writer Side · Bahasa

Book Review – Wicked by Gregory Maguire

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Author: Gregory Maguire
Publisher: Harper Collins,
Pages: 519 Pages
Rating: ★★★★ of ★★★★★

 

Prologue

Suprise! Setelah post galau-galau tiada akhir, tiba-tiba saja disela oleh review book. Kaget ga? Kaget dong. Saya yang kaget sih sebenernya.

Ok jadi gini, saya seharusnya berbangga diri karena setengah tahun ini ternyata saya membaca buku lebih banyak dari setengah tahun di tahun lalu, dan lalu-lalunya lagi. Kemajuan kan! Masalahnya, walau banyak buku bagus dan tidak bagus yang saya baca (yang mana menjadi sasaran empuk buat disanjung atau dihujat) rasanya kok saya nggak ada selera nulis review sama sekali. Akhirnya kini hati saya tergerak oleh buku ini.

Sudah sejak SMA saya kepengen punya buku ini. Akhirnya beberapa bulan yang lalu kebetulan saya nyasar ke halaman yang menjual buku seken ini dalam bahasa inggris dengan harga yang tidak dapat ditolak. Maka segera saja tiga hari kemudian, buku ini mendarat cantik di rumah. Bergabung dengan buku-buku fantasi lainnya di rak saya. Ah, rejeki memang nggak ke mana.

 

Main Story

Sekitar dua tahun lalu saya pernah mereview The Wizard of Oz-nya L. Frank Baum (yang mana saya benci sekali). Nah buku ini adalah Spin-off dari cerita tersebut.

Wicked menceritakan tentang kehidupan di Negeri OZ dari sudut pandang Elphaba, si Penyihir Jahat dari Barat yang berkulit hijau, serta asal-usul para penyihir-penyihir tersebut, jauh sebelum Dorothy terlempar masuk ke dalamnya.

Ada beban sangat besar ketika seorang penulis membuat cerita spin-off, terutama yang berasal dari cerita populer. Penulis diharapkan mampu membuat sesuatu yang original tanpa terjebak stereotif namun di saat yang sama harus dapat mengimbangi kualitas cerita aslinya. Belum lagi para penggemar fanatik untuk dihadapi. Dan menurut saya, Gregory Maguire exceeds it all. Wicked rupanya mampu menjadi cerita yang populer dan digemari, bahkan hampir menyamai cerita asalnya.

Oke mari bahas plotnya dulu. The Wonderful Wizard of Oz genrenya fantasi, sehingga umumnya Wicked juga bergenre fantasi.

Seharusnya.

Tapi nyatanya alih-alih sihir-sihiran, buku ini justru membahas sisi filosofis, spiritual, politik, dan intrik-intrik kehidupan di The Land of Oz. Tentang sistem kepercayaan mereka yang terdiri dari beberapa ‘agama’, beberapa wilayah berbeda di Oz yang saling head-to-head di bawah kepemimpinan Oz the Great, dan bagaimana agama serta wilayah itu berinteraksi satu sama lain. Serta bagaimana Elphaba (si penyihir yang sebetulnya bukan penyihir dan nggak bisa menyihir sama sekali) sebagai tokoh utama yang adalah makhluk anomali berusaha hidup dengan prinsip-prinsipnya sendiri.

Kalau pun cerita ini harus dikelompokkan ke fantasi, mungkin bukan pure fantasy kali ya. Lebih karena settingnya fantasi saja.

Saya nggak punya komplain untuk plotnya. Saya rasa baik kecepatannya, cara penceritaannya, dan alurnya sendiri oke-oke saja. Kecuali mungkin bagian politik dan filosofisnya itu agak sedikit membosankan buat saya, haha.

Kemudian karakternya. Ah, kalau saya cuma boleh puji satu aspek, itu adalah karakterisasinya. Di samping tokoh dari cerita aslinya, banyak juga tokoh original Gregory Maguire sendiri. Dan apa yang bisa saya katakan? Semua tokoh itu luar biasa. Karakterisasinya  tokohnya kuat karena dikupas tuntas dengan cara yang compelling to the story. Dan hebatnya masing-masing perkembangan fisik, psikologis, dan kehidupan mereka diperhatikan dengan baik juga seiring berjalannya cerita. Well-developed, sehingga walau pun sekali duduk kita langsung dijejali dengan banyak sekali tokoh, kita nggak akan lupa si ini yang mana dan si itu yang siapa. Jelas ini bukan perkara mudah untuk seorang penulis.

Favorit saya Elphaba si tokoh utamanya yang cerdas, berprinsip, dan sarcatically-humorous juga.

Lalu settingnya. Saya nggak banyak bicara tentang ini. Di The Wizard of Oz sendiri settingnya sudah cukup jelas dan di sini semakin jelas lagi. Bukan hanya secara pemetaan dan batas-batas wilayahnya saja, tapi karakteristik penduduknya masing-masing, keadaan topografinya, dan interaksinya dengan wilayah lain. Keren deh pokoknya.

Lalu, ini tidak berhubungan dengan cerita sih, tapi saya suka sekali dengan penampilan buku ini. Tepi kertasnya hijau, seakan berniat menegaskan warna kulit Elphaba, dan covernya, ah saya suka! TBH desain covernya itulah yang membuat saya pengin baca buku ini dulu.

Satu-satunya kekurangan buku ini, kalau bisa disebut kekurangan, adalah adanya kutipan-kutipan dari buku-buku Gregory Maguire yang lainnya di akhir, setelah cerita selesai. Buat saya ini lumayan ngeganggu atmosfer ending yang barusan saja kelar. Sebenarnya kalau nggak mau dibaca ya boleh aja sih, tapi saya sedikit OCD untuk halaman-halaman yang belum dibaca jadi ya begitulah.

 

Epilogue

Saya baca buku ini sekitar empat hari, dan nggak lepas-lepas dari tangan. Lumayan menghipnotis walau nggak terlalu bikin hangover.

Saya rasa nggak berlebihan kalau saya kasih bintang 4. Tidak sempurna karena saya bukan yang suka-suka amat sama debat politik dan diskusi perbandingan agama sih. Tapi para pembaca dengan jiwa-jiwa pemberontak dan penggemar diskusi serta debat-debat politik saya rasa akan sangat menikmati buku ini.

Baca juga ya! Saya rekomen lho!