As I supposed to working by now, I write here instead.
Pandemic supposed to makes us live a slower life, in my initial opinion. With the #StayAtHome habit that forced to us and anything. But how come it feels and becomes faster and faster for me?
It’s like i’m running with a heavy baggage on my back, dragging a burdensome thoughts all along. For what? I wonder. No one knows.
I catch out breath, i need to stop and think. Or maybe merely to sleep. A full 8 hours sleep.
Came to office with the unsure thoughts. I’m not even a fan of bad-ending, let alone bad news. I. CAN. FUCKING. FEEL. PEOPLE’S. EMOTION. That’s one of my curse. Either i’m an empath or i’m just emotionally traumatized. That, and multiplied by my sensitive premonition.
When i senses something bad will happen, that feeling comes in the form of quiet anxiety that crawl inside my head, in my chest, on my hands. My heart quietly pounding faster terrified by something i dont even know yet. My palms will feel funny as if there’s something cold and hot and disgusting on it, it makes me goosebumps. Sometimes i can even feel where that ‘something bad’ will come from. Either from people, human, sky, trees, winds. And I hate the time when it appeared to be true. It’s like a curse and a gift at the same time. The horror is unbelieveable, but as a gift, it makes me more cautious than the rest of people around me, maybe. Whichever it is, i wish i never feeling it, nor that i ever try to tell someone about it because, what for? We’re living a hard present life already.
I must learn to rest. To filter my thoughts. To control the velocity of my own pace. Though no one will allows me to do so.
I can’t. Too much to think, too much to do. Every minutes I think in sequence. I wil do this and after that, i will do this, then this, then this, and just that, every seconds of my life becomes a sequence of to-do list orders that hiding behind the mask of “Time Efficiency”.
Well, my life surely becomes much more time-efficient, but am i sane still? I dont think so.
I’m still clueless about what kind of music i should listen. A relaxing, sleepy one like Gymnopedies by Erik Satie, the one that i always play when i have anxiety or panic attack? Or the sunny, up-spirited one like SPYAIR? Or a lo-fi, aesthetic one to makes me works more efficiently? Or a electro-dance, singalong-able by BlackPink that keeps me having fun while running errands? Or an emo punk by Linkin Park, MCR, SUM41, Good Charlotte, that I actually memorized all the lyrics and give me nostalgic, young feeling?
The fact is, I dont even know what i need, nor what i should do, hence let alone choosing the song as a backsound.
All the hustle and bustle, the juggling and struggling that we all going through, what for? To make us ourselves happy? Our parents happy? For money? For financial independency? For the position and social status? To help somebody else or to prove somebody else? What to prove?
I’m tired. I wanna sleep for million years ahead.