i dont know how long have been i stare at this google sheet, yet my work hasnt been done. for these 4 or maybe 5 hours, im not even sure what is exactly ive been doing on that spare of time, because i cant get anything done.
the same case goes for my personal projects too. i put them on hold for somehow feels like just a week long but it actually happened around 3 weeks long and before i know im getting late on everything and catches up for everything. yet i cant manage to catches everything up, i just cannot seems able to.
the merely friends that exist in my life seems like just my very dear workmate friends. not that im not happy tho, but living in this age where everyone seems to have their life altogether and getting out there with their own life, it feels very lonely tho, but as i stare on my phone, im surprised to the fact that i am the one who shut myself out from any form of social contacts because i cant bear to talk to anybody. phone calls? video calls invitation? friend’s wedding invitation? asking for hanging out? chats? on whatsapp? on my ig dm? on telegram? too much, too noisy. i cant bear. yet i cant bear to be alone also. confusing.
this is not the kind of slowing down that the therapist, or any people in that matter, suggesting. this slowing down phase that not do the body and soul good. this the kind of slowing down because you are, in any way, rusted and broken, not because you intent to giving yourself some rest.
body, get up! no.
body, write that shitty captions RIGHT NOW! no.
body, just, please, working out! no.
brain, for once, please make yourself useful! you bet.
well i should get my job done, i paid for it, i have to be professional. guess what? no. my brain freeze and my body seems to refuse anything that i order to. i might not be as professional as before. and all i want to do in my life is to do nothing. lying in my cold, dark bedroom, and questioning all the wrong thing that happened in the life itself. who cares if my job doesnt meet the end?
i think something is broken and lost inside of me, and by that, also my willing to living the life.