English · My Chaotic Philosophy

I must learn to rest.

As I supposed to working by now, I write here instead.

Pandemic supposed to makes us live a slower life, in my initial opinion. With the #StayAtHome habit that forced to us and anything. But how come it feels and becomes faster and faster for me?

It’s like i’m running with a heavy baggage on my back, dragging a burdensome thoughts all along. For what? I wonder. No one knows.

I catch out breath, i need to stop and think. Or maybe merely to sleep. A full 8 hours sleep.

Came to office with the unsure thoughts. I’m not even a fan of bad-ending, let alone bad news. I. CAN. FUCKING. FEEL. PEOPLE’S. EMOTION. That’s one of my curse. Either i’m an empath or i’m just emotionally traumatized. That, and multiplied by my sensitive premonition.

When i senses something bad will happen, that feeling comes in the form of quiet anxiety that crawl inside my head, in my chest, on my hands. My heart quietly pounding faster terrified by something i dont even know yet. My palms will feel funny as if there’s something cold and hot and disgusting on it, it makes me goosebumps. Sometimes i can even feel where that ‘something bad’ will come from. Either from people, human, sky, trees, winds. And I hate the time when it appeared to be true. It’s like a curse and a gift at the same time. The horror is unbelieveable, but as a gift, it makes me more cautious than the rest of people around me, maybe. Whichever it is, i wish i never feeling it, nor that i ever try to tell someone about it because, what for? We’re living a hard present life already.

I must learn to rest. To filter my thoughts. To control the velocity of my own pace. Though no one will allows me to do so.

I can’t. Too much to think, too much to do. Every minutes I think in sequence. I wil do this and after that, i will do this, then this, then this, and just that, every seconds of my life becomes a sequence of to-do list orders that hiding behind the mask of “Time Efficiency”.

Well, my life surely becomes much more time-efficient, but am i sane still? I dont think so.

I’m still clueless about what kind of music i should listen. A relaxing, sleepy one like Gymnopedies by Erik Satie, the one that i always play when i have anxiety or panic attack? Or the sunny, up-spirited one like SPYAIR? Or a lo-fi, aesthetic one to makes me works more efficiently? Or a electro-dance, singalong-able by BlackPink that keeps me having fun while running errands? Or an emo punk by Linkin Park, MCR, SUM41, Good Charlotte, that I actually memorized all the lyrics and give me nostalgic, young feeling?

The fact is, I dont even know what i need, nor what i should do, hence let alone choosing the song as a backsound.

All the hustle and bustle, the juggling and struggling that we all going through, what for? To make us ourselves happy? Our parents happy? For money? For financial independency? For the position and social status? To help somebody else or to prove somebody else? What to prove?

I’m tired. I wanna sleep for million years ahead.

Bahasa · My Blabber Side · My Chaotic Philosophy

Kontemplasi.

Biasanya kita pulang dengan membawa banyak sekali tambahan emosi dan perasaan. Entah punya kita sendiri atau bukan. Satu berisi gula-gula dan parfum bernama bunga daisy, satunya lagi berisi mata besar merah menyala-nyala dan petir yang menyambar-nyambar di kaki.

Tapi anehnya, hari ini aku tidak merasa keduanya terasa nyata. Jauh, jauh sekali. Ah, sepertinya aku sudah menjadi cukup kebal, ya. Terlalu banyak tambahan gelembung-gelembung isi emosi sampai jadi mati rasa.

“Baguslah,” aku bergumam. Baguslah kalau memang sudah tidak terasa apa-apa. Aku bisa simpan energiku untuk hal yang lainnya. Pun kau juga begitu, kan?

Lalu kita berjalan, berjalan, berjalan, kadang berlari, lalu lanjut jalan lagi sampai mencapai ujung jembatan. Tidak sengaja bertemu dengan orang-orang lainnya yang anehnya banyak bertanya, seolah-olah kita bisa tahu semua jawabannya? Seolah mereka sendiri sudah selesai dengan permasalahan hidup mereka saja?

“Jadi bagaimana?”
“Lalu kapan?”
“Mengapa bisa?”
“Haruskah begitu?”
“Lantas mengapa tidak begini?”
“Apakah kau mengerti?”
“Sudahkah kalian pelajari?”

Kita saling berpandangan, mulut berdiam seribu bahasa, kebingungan.

Apakah mereka sudah selesai dengan semua masalah mereka? Bagaimana bisa masih ada tempat di meja sesempit itu untuk mereka isi dengan piring-piring yang bukan milik mereka sendiri? Banyak sekali ya mereka punya waktu? Daripada mereka tanya-tanya kita, yang jelas tidak tahu apa-apa, mendingan mereka bikin seminar saja kan, lebih berguna.

Begitu kita berpikir seraya saling berpandangan. Ribuan tanda tanya yang tak kunjung lenyap dari dalam kepala.

Tidak adil, benar-benar tidak ada yang adil. Lalu jawabannya memang bisa kita cari ke mana? Jalan di belakang jauh sekali lho. Berkelok-kelok seperti labirin, kedap dan gelap seperti di ruang hampa udara. Bahkan untuk sampai titik ini pun aku harus jalan kaki ribuan tahun, dilanjut lari sprint ribuan tahun pula lamanya, lalu terpaksa menyelam ratusan tahun setelahnya padahal aku bahkan tidak bisa berenang. Itu, dan aksi-aksi absurd lainnya yang mungkin telah kulupakan karena saking banyaknya.

Saking anehnya tinggi dinding di ujung jembatan ini, aku hanya bisa tertawa sendiri. Aku menoleh dan kau pun ikut tertawa pula. Mengapa sebelumnya dinding ini tidak kelihatan? Kalau sebelumnya kita tahu, kan, kita tidak usah jalan ke sini sekalian. Tapi terlambat, jembatan di belakang sudah lenyap. Dibakar oleh entah siapa. Ah, mereka itu lagi kah yang tiba-tiba ikut campur? Kenapa ya orang-orang jadi banyak bicara?

Bahasa · My Chaotic Philosophy

.

Tidak adil. Benar-benar tidak adil.

Kenapa kita manusia diberi batas waktu yang sempit sekali? Digonggongi ribuan gambar ini dan itu, hanya dalam waktu bagai seperempat kedipan mata saja. Kalau tidak sampai, aduh betapa mengerikannya pandangan mereka. Aneh. Tidak adil. Titik mula kita semua berbeda, tapi kenapa kita semua dipukul rata sama?

Harus mulai bergantung dan mengakar, padahal di saat yang sama harus membuat cabang tinggi sampai ke luar angkasa, kita bahkan nggak tahu harus mulai dari mana.

Aku benci ulang tahun. Rasanya seperti hitung mundur menuju kehancuran. Menuju sebuah batas waktu di mana bukan kita yang tentukan. Kenapa bukan kita yang tentukan? Kenapa kita diikat oleh aturan dan batas kewajaran, tanpa seizin kita sebelumnya?

Mereka bilang aku hampir menuju batas waktunya. Aku dikejar, diburu seantero kota yang membawa besi tajam dengan obor membara-bara sebagai penerangan. Seakan aku sebentar lagi mati saja. Ini, itu. Ada daftar temu. Padahal aku bahkan masih sendirian. Buta. Luntang-lantung. Kadang berlari sampai mau menabrak mobil di depan. Kadang berjalan pelan sekali seakan tidak punya tujuan. Kadang tersaruk saruk merangkak seperti tidak punya nyawa lagi. Aku bahkan nggak tau apa yang aku lakukan.

Kenapa?

Kenapa?

Kenapa?

Kenapa?

Padahal aku masih tetap hidup dan bernapas saja sudah luar biasa. Kenapa mereka bisa melihatnya? Kenapa aku tidak? Aku sudah berlari compang-camping, dihancur-leburkan luar biasa mengerikan. KAU juga paham, kan? KAU juga sudah lihat, kan? Lantas harus bagaimana lagi? Aku harus bagaimana lagi?

Isi kepalaku mulai ribut, kalang-kabut. Banyak sekali jenis suara, entah punya siapa saja. Berisik. Berisik sekali. Pusing. Rasanya seperti dunia berputar-putar, mau mati.

Uncategorized

A Little Update: Preparing My First Final Collection

A little update about my life… Oh let’s not talking about my real life, shall we?

Instead, I feel like talking about, my Fashion Show Collection Project!

This first time I’m choosing a fantasy story about stars, because I always feel connected to stars, space matter, and solar system. Here! Take a look of my little teaser!

And to tease you a little bit further, here some sneak peek of the works behind everything.

English · My Chaotic Philosophy

What is The Definition of Safe Place, Anyway?

I remembered few years ago, I wrote here that family is the only safe place to stop and pause from the on-going life. A sanctuary.

Now I thinking back of it and laughing hard.

WHAT WAS I TALKING ABOUT, HA?

Well, true, at that meantime. But now that my biggest problem actually come and rooted on family (and I never realized it before!), I just so so relieved that was my thought back then when I face that-hardest-3-years phase. I mean, come on, if i’m not feeling safe both in home and outer world, then where should I be? At the jail???

Nah, kidding.

English · My Chaotic Philosophy

On the note of loving myself.

When I sharing about my dream car and my ambitions to obtain it in the near future, a friend (is she even a friend, I doubt it) asked me:

“Oh you’re so ambitious. But then, when will you get married? And having children?”

Normally, I would find it very offensive. Not only I take it as a personal choice and personal life, it also one aspect that we human can’t control. But that time I decided to not answer and instead I think about why I feeling that way. Well, I think about that question so long until I came to this conclusion of why and how.

I’ve been hating myself for more than 20 years of my life. Yes, for more than 20 years, I am my own enemy. Now I’m I finally able accept all my flaws, all my good and bad side, loving myself wholeheartedly. And I’m so in love of being in this state. I love being the center of my own world. This is a peace that I finally reach after so much wars with myself. And with another humanbeing. And with God. And with the life itself

People said being a Mother and having child means you’re not the same person anymore, and that tiny human becomes the center of your world. No. I still want to pour all the love for me myself. I still eager to ambitiously chase the world. I still want me, for myself. Hence the thought that I have to share this so big love and peace I gather through sweat and tears to another human, and to have a little human being a center of my own world, I am not ready.

Different people means different way to live the life. There’s so much path to choose. There I said that.

English · My Entrepreneur Obsession Side

A Place to Dwell

Prologue

This might be an ode post to celebrate the birth of my workroom. My own working room.


Main Story

Ever since pandemic and we forced to keep all of our business at home, including my office work too, everyday I started the day with a question ‘Where should I work today? My room? The balcony? The dining room?”

Now, 10 months later, I got myself all the new things that I didn’t knew I would need to be in my house.

This laptop fan, for example. Small but oh makes so much difference. The 3-types-of-light desk lamp might be the first thing I bought for working-from-home needs. the printer ink that seems ripping my whole monthly expenses but I know I really need those and don’t have any other option. Those, and a 10 month later, I bought a working table in light-colored woodply, then I have the whole vacant room downstair to used by myself.

A freaking working room.

Do it sounds serious enough? Do I sounds grown up enough?

For a person who uphold privacy and independency so high in the sky, it goes beyond my excitement. I feel like finally able to draw my own territory in this house for my own professional needs.

This is my first day working in this room. Still needs to be reworked here and there tho. This wall, for example. This green walls that hurting my eyes and making odd reflections to my skin and all the things inside (who’s in this home had such a weird idea of painting the walls this weird kind of green??) I need to paint it all white. But anyway, this is my own room to work. And sew. And I love it here already.

No, no photos at all because this green wall actually super embarassing. Someday, I promise.


Epilogue

Wait. why suddenly I write this domestic?

English · My Blog Talks · My Fashion Madness Side

I Don’t Like The Current Air in My Blog. Let’s We Talking About Something Else.

Prologue

WordPress new block writing system is suck. Like, really.


Main Story

That, and also the way I writing here so depressingly, it makes such a terrible combination of why I’m not talking here the way as I used to in my teenagehood. What is it, 6-7 year ago?? My blog is 8 years old last May and, well, from my sanctuary and playground it’s unexpectedly turn into something like a wall-of-fame, or a depressing-day diaries, or a check-point to formally announced that I am still breathing.

Nah, I don’t like it.

Instagram changes everything, I think. The way we talk, the way we think, the way we used to feel about something. It impressively making people more visually-aware, raise the citizen’s aesthetic rate (if that’s even the word), become a new platform to making money. But guess what, realizing the way I using my blog so differently it becomes black-and-white comparing before the instagram wave hit us, I think sometimes we have to step-back and re-evaluate.


Epilogue

On the totally different side, I change the background of my blog. Now, bye pink-white polkadots that I used to stick for maybe not less than 4-5 years. Now please enjoy the slight view of my brother’s curtain that I aesthetically took the photo of.

And anything else, do you realized that I use my old three-phase writing style here? Trying to relive everything from my blog’s past so I can feel like home again here

And, oh, also! I’m currently learn to sew and recently so into her youtube channel too! Her name is sharon and she is amazing self-taught dressmaker/sewer!

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCKGJO5qKdaw_YzFI1mLXekQ

English · My Blabber Side · My Chaotic Philosophy

How to cope with sadness: turn the podcast on and let Chris Do tells me anything about life as much as he wants to

As much as we all wanna be a happy-go-lucky, admit it, some of us are not. And this i-dont-know-what-happen-to-me symptons are keep driving us a real wild ride. Maybe this is what it feels like to dive deep into Titanic shipwreck. Blue. Blue and watery everywhere. But it’s also confusing that we wanting everything and nothing at the same time. Like Michelle Branch’s “Goodbye to You” song. The way we shuts people to go away yet at the same time holding their hand please don’t go? It’s a confusing, confusing part of life, agree?

Yet the similar thing occur to the social life. I am in the perplexing phase of wanting to have my own space yet also craving human voice in my head. How to solve this polarized mistery, is to have a talking voice that is not comes from actual social interaction.

Better if that’s Chris Do’s.

Even better if he’s lectured me about life.

And oh what a practical era we lived on right now. You can listen to someone’s in the commute without taking the actual Television or Radio like what they did in 1950’s. Although I adore Audrey Hepburn fashion era, admit it, pals, modern technology always favor us handily.

So there it goes, 56 minutes full of Chris Do talking sharply, keenly, and briliantly, scolding me about why I am trapped in my own mental darkness helix instead of working efficiently and keep hustling.

Chris, if you read this, thank you. For all of these years you have been my hero, and still be my hero for many years to come. Please don’t stop scolding me wherever i waste my time in my own useless mind game.

English · My Chaotic Philosophy

20 Things I’ve Accomplished in 2020

  1. Hosting a talkshow (like, a real talkshow on the stage) TWICE! I mean, i always enjoy public speaking, but i never know i am apparently that cool???!
  2. Applied to work vacancies in Australia
  3. And got interviewed by one of them. I mean, my very first abroad job interview abroad, EVER!!
  4. Finally signing up to the fashion course. And it makes me realize, fashion is the field where I belong. I finally found where I belong.
  5. Building an accessories brand: Queen of Hearts. Like, finally, a business that feels ‘right’ for me
  6. Underwent a major surgery and manage to stay alive.
  7. Reaching out and being in touch with my teenagehood crush. Tee-hee.
  8. Bought vacumm cleaner. Finally came the day where I should have not sweep the floor by conventional broom. This is a big achievement, right? Anyone?
  9. Taking the lead as producer for my handled brand’s ambassador commercial video
  10. Eat holycow steak!
  11. Finally have my own WACOM TABLET!!!
  12. Signing myself up to a monthly body treatment. Like, wow, i feel so grown up right now!
  13. Bought the most expensive book I’ve ever had : Fashion Business Manual by Fashionary, which i’ve been wanting since years.
  14. Managed to trying on many fitness classes at the beginning of the year (HIIT, Bareless, poundfit, zumba, you name it!), before pandemic force us to be in home as much as we can.
  15. Manage to survive and stay alive. Because, seriously, is that what’s this year is all about?

Apparently this 20-things not reaching 20 at all HAHA! But it’s okay, this year is hard, I know I’ve done enough work already. Good job, Me!