.

Tidak adil. Benar-benar tidak adil.

Kenapa kita manusia diberi batas waktu yang sempit sekali? Digonggongi ribuan gambar ini dan itu, hanya dalam waktu bagai seperempat kedipan mata saja. Kalau tidak sampai, aduh betapa mengerikannya pandangan mereka. Aneh. Tidak adil. Titik mula kita semua berbeda, tapi kenapa kita semua dipukul rata sama?

Harus mulai bergantung dan mengakar, padahal di saat yang sama harus membuat cabang tinggi sampai ke luar angkasa, kita bahkan nggak tahu harus mulai dari mana.

Aku benci ulang tahun. Rasanya seperti hitung mundur menuju kehancuran. Menuju sebuah batas waktu di mana bukan kita yang tentukan. Kenapa bukan kita yang tentukan? Kenapa kita diikat oleh aturan dan batas kewajaran, tanpa seizin kita sebelumnya?

Mereka bilang aku hampir menuju batas waktunya. Aku dikejar, diburu seantero kota yang membawa besi tajam dengan obor membara-bara sebagai penerangan. Seakan aku sebentar lagi mati saja. Ini, itu. Ada daftar temu. Padahal aku bahkan masih sendirian. Buta. Luntang-lantung. Kadang berlari sampai mau menabrak mobil di depan. Kadang berjalan pelan sekali seakan tidak punya tujuan. Kadang tersaruk saruk merangkak seperti tidak punya nyawa lagi. Aku bahkan nggak tau apa yang aku lakukan.

Kenapa?

Kenapa?

Kenapa?

Kenapa?

Padahal aku masih tetap hidup dan bernapas saja sudah luar biasa. Kenapa mereka bisa melihatnya? Kenapa aku tidak? Aku sudah berlari compang-camping, dihancur-leburkan luar biasa mengerikan. KAU juga paham, kan? KAU juga sudah lihat, kan? Lantas harus bagaimana lagi? Aku harus bagaimana lagi?

Isi kepalaku mulai ribut, kalang-kabut. Banyak sekali jenis suara, entah punya siapa saja. Berisik. Berisik sekali. Pusing. Rasanya seperti dunia berputar-putar, mau mati.

A Little Update: Preparing My First Final Collection

A little update about my life… Oh let’s not talking about my real life, shall we?

Instead, I feel like talking about, my Fashion Show Collection Project!

This first time I’m choosing a fantasy story about stars, because I always feel connected to stars, space matter, and solar system. Here! Take a look of my little teaser!

And to tease you a little bit further, here some sneak peek of the works behind everything.

What is The Definition of Safe Place, Anyway?

I remembered few years ago, I wrote here that family is the only safe place to stop and pause from the on-going life. A sanctuary.

Now I thinking back of it and laughing hard.

WHAT WAS I TALKING ABOUT, HA?

Well, true, at that meantime. But now that my biggest problem actually come and rooted on family (and I never realized it before!), I just so so relieved that was my thought back then when I face that-hardest-3-years phase. I mean, come on, if i’m not feeling safe both in home and outer world, then where should I be? At the jail???

Nah, kidding.

On the note of loving myself.

When I sharing about my dream car and my ambitions to obtain it in the near future, a friend (is she even a friend, I doubt it) asked me:

“Oh you’re so ambitious. But then, when will you get married? And having children?”

Normally, I would find it very offensive. Not only I take it as a personal choice and personal life, it also one aspect that we human can’t control. But that time I decided to not answer and instead I think about why I feeling that way. Well, I think about that question so long until I came to this conclusion of why and how.

I’ve been hating myself for more than 20 years of my life. Yes, for more than 20 years, I am my own enemy. Now I’m I finally able accept all my flaws, all my good and bad side, loving myself wholeheartedly. And I’m so in love of being in this state. I love being the center of my own world. This is a peace that I finally reach after so much wars with myself. And with another humanbeing. And with God. And with the life itself

People said being a Mother and having child means you’re not the same person anymore, and that tiny human becomes the center of your world. No. I still want to pour all the love for me myself. I still eager to ambitiously chase the world. I still want me, for myself. Hence the thought that I have to share this so big love and peace I gather through sweat and tears to another human, and to have a little human being a center of my own world, I am not ready.

Different people means different way to live the life. There’s so much path to choose. There I said that.