Some people find comforts in sadness, i find comforts in anger towards the entire world.

for all eyes that starring at me from head-to-toe-and-back-to-head again.
for all fingers that swaying in front of my eyes.
for all mouths that making up things of what should and shouldn’t.
for all the manual books written by lost people who feel superior enough.
for all the story that no one knows the truths.

fuck all of this, fuck all of you. im going to do it my way

An anwer to a “Will you…” question

There are times when I have no idea whatsoever to answer this kind of question. Maybe part of me still scared by the idea of intimate relationship, maybe I still love being a free-willy, maybe I’m not mature enough, and another “maybe’s” that will never going to an end.

So I answered “Give me a week, to think.” And yet I still have no clue of which path should I take. Hence out of the dilemma, I asked to God, and universe “If I should say yes and do it, God, please show me a wolf. In picture, in video, in film, in any form. But if I should say no and reject it, please show me a squirrel.”

Why wolf? Why squirrel? I have no idea. I just blurted out what crossed on my mind that time.

I made that requisition in Tuesday and day by day no clue have given to me. No wolf nor squirrel appeared.

Until today, Saturday noon, I surfing on Instagram stories and watched the instagram stories of one of my favorite fashion influencer, an Indonesian that lives in Birmingham, she always shares a beautiful Birmingham scenery in her account. This time she shoot a video about squirrel eating a nut in the tree in her way to the groceries.

“That’s a cute squirrel!” I said.

Wait.

Squirrel.

Squirrel is a no.

So that’s that. I should says no, huh? It’s kind of sad to think about this. Knowing that my heart parts into fifty : fifty, still a part of me who wants to say yes. But we will never know what the future may held. What it will bring us, or what will it saves us from. Maybe something good, but maybe something that is really really disastrous. So if I have no clue, I leave the universe to give me the clue, and now it has giving me a clue.

Maybe once again, a “No” is the best way.

Life Update Ver 1.0

Dulu saya bikin blog sebagai tempat saya ‘kabur’ dari dunia nyata dengan cara membahas hal-hal yang saya sukai. Lho makin lama kok malah jadi sarana curhat untuk hal-hal yang saya tidak sukai juga ya? Dari yang dulunya masih campur-campur, makin ke sini malah makin monoton jadi seperti itu semua isinya. Ah, pantesan aura (((aura))) blog saya ini jadi aneh. Tiap masuk dan scroll tuh rasanya kayak jadi pusing gitu. HEHE.

Dipikir-pikir, nggak apa juga sih sebenarnya. Bisa dibilang blog ini jadi semacam diary pendewasaan diri, dan dalam perjalanan untuk menjadi dewasa memang seringkali harus lewat bagian yang nggak enak. Gonjang-ganjing rumah tangga mentalitas, pikiran-pikiran tergelap, prasangka yang tidak mengenakkan, masalah-masalah hidup yang berentetan, semuanya memang saya tuliskan sebagai salah satu bentuk terapi diri.

Tapi takut lama-lama saya jadi gak betah sama blog ini, sepertinya mari kita bicarakan hal yang senang-senang juga ya hahaha.

Beberapa bulan belakangan ini, tepatnya sudah 3 bulan, saya langganan Netflix. Waw sebuah gebrakan besar buat saya yang medit dan selama ini berprinsip “LEbiH bAIk akU DOwnlOaD tOrrENt SajA DariPAdA nonTOn SEriES haRUs BayAR.” 🙃

Awalnya saya langganan cuma untuk nonton lanjutannya To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before sih, yaitu To All The Boys: Ps I Still Love You.

Rada cheessy yah saya? 😦 Ending si sekuel kedua ini nggak begitu ok sih menurut saya sendiri. Tapi gimana yah, Lara-jean dan Peter tuh kinda cute together, aren’t they? PLUS saya suka sekali style berpakaiannya Lara-Jean, tipe-tipe fashion asia yang preppy dan cute (ketauan kan gak di jalan, nggak di film, nggak di mana-mana, yang selalu saya perhatikan adalah baju dan cara berpakaian, emang kudunya saya masuk jurusan fashion aja HAHAHA), dan fakta bahwa film-film barat sekarang sudah mulai berinteraksi lintas-ras seakan itu adalah hal yang sudah lumrah bikin saya seneng sih. Yay to races equality!

Tapiii setelah saya pikir bakal berenti langganan setelah nonton itu, ternyata tidak guys. Malah lanjut (-_-). Mungkin kapan-kapan saya bahas list film dan series rekomendasi Netflix versi saya ya.

Okay now please let me bless your eyes with this cute illustration of Lara-Jean’s fashion sense. This illustration is not mine tho.

Found in Pinterest and couldnt find the creator, if you are owning this, please let me know

5 Mei

Kemarin lusa seharian rasanya aneh, lalu aku ingat-ingat ada apa, bahkan aku sampai scroll lagi post lamaku di blog ini. Oh, rupanya tepat di tanggal 5 Mei tahun lalu, ada kejadian itu toh.

Aneh ya rasanya bernegoisasi dan dimintai tolong oleh Tuhan? Baru dengar kan? Bocoran saja, kata-kata Tuhan selalu muncul dalam bentuk pemikiran yang asing (seolah bukan berasal dari diri kita sendiri) tapi hangat dan bersahabat.

Dia mintai aku tolong untuk membawa seseorang kembali kepada-Nya. Saat itu aku ragu dan takut karena orang ini salah satu sumber awan hitam di atas kepalaku lama sekali, dan ‘Memangnya tidak bisa Dia membawa orang itu sendiri? Dia kan Tuhan? Katanya Tuhan bisa melakukan apa pun? Kenapa harus lewat aku?’ begitu dulu aku memprotes.

Ah, tapi membaca kembali tulisanku saat itu, aku baru sadar ternyata Dia meminta bantuanku bukan untuk menyelamatkan orang itu, melainkan justru untuk menyelamatkan AKU. Agar aku bisa menghadapi hal-hal gelap di bawah alam sadarku yang selama ini aku hindari dan sembunyikan dalam-dalam. Supaya aku bisa sembuh.

Dulu aku takut bukan cuma dengan pikiran bahwa aku gagal, tapi juga bagaimana kalau aku masuk ke jurang yang sama lagi? Tempat aku terpuruk di dalam gelap selama belasan bulan lamanya.

Tapi Dia bilang begini: “Then I will save you before it happens. Don’t worry, no one can harm you. I always protect you all the time. You are safe.”

Dan ternyata memang itu yang Dia lakukan. Dia selamatkan aku di saat yang tepat.

1 tahun berselang, ternyata justru permintaan tolong-Nya itu yang membersihkan salah satu sampah alam bawah sadarku. Traumaku banyak, tapi yang satu itu adalah salah satu yang paling besar dan sekarang sudah sembuh total.

Aneh, rupanya Tuhan sayang sekali padaku yah? Tapi cara-Nya menolong memang ajaib sekali alurnya. Tidak bisa diterka akal manusia.

Hubunganku dan Tuhan cukup aneh memang. Aku bukan orang alim yang ke mana2 menebarkan ayat kitab suci, atau berpakaian seperti stereotipikal orang suci, pun tidak berlaku seperti yang para polisi moral harapkan. Tapi kami (aku dan Tuhan) dekat dengan cara kami sendiri. Aku cari Dia melalui jalanku sendiri, dan Dia bersedia menjawab aku tanpa pretensi dan penghakiman apa pun.

Kita semua dibesarkan dengan pemikiran Tuhan akan menghukum jika kita begini dan begitu, jika kita melakukan ini dan itu. Tapi kalau kamu mendekat kepada-Nya dengan hati nurani dan caramu sendiri, sesungguhnya Tuhan itu tidak menghakimi, Tuhan akan selalu menerima dengan tangan terbuka. Persepsi dan ego manusia-lah yang membuat-Nya seolah menjadi hakim paling kaku dan kejam di alam semesta.

Jadi, ketika kamu menghakimi orang lain atas cara dia beragama, kamu harus balik tanya ke dirimu sendiri. Mana yang sebenarnya kamu sembah? Tuhan, atau EGO-mu?

Wah jadi bahas urusan ketuhanan, kan, haha. Nevertheless, dengan ini aku semakin belajar bahwa kata-kata bijak mengenai “Ujian hidup adalah salah satu sarana Tuhan untuk menaikkan derajat manusia,” itu memang benar adanya.

It is hard, but keep the faith.

20 Things I’ve Accomplished in 2019

1. Graduated from uni and being a bachelor (after a long long journey)

2. Become more thoughtful in spending money

3. Have a youtube channel (which unexpectedly have really good engagements)

4. And autodidactically (as always) learn to use adobe premiere

5. Developed friendship and links with indonesian Mom influencers

6. Learnt to sew properly and have a clothing that I’ve sewed myself as a result.

7. Learnt to bake a cake

8. Able to make organic soap

9. Finally went to a psychologist

10. Have a starbucks member card

11. Became a ‘producer’ of a big photoshoot project with a well-known celeb (whose name i wont mentioned here)

12. Become a founder of Charithrift

13. Joined ideafest talkshows

14. Joining fashion class

15. Visited IKJ

16. Becoming a live talkshow host TWICE!!

17. Ate ame ringo & taiyaki

18. Got myself roller skates (and able to rolls on intermediet level)

19. Joined Yoga Class for the first time

20. Able to wear contact lens

21. Had my very first flight experience

22. Having passport

23. Signed up myself to classpass (a fitness membership pass app)

24. Managed to be in the next stage of self-love process

Ah, apparently I made it more than 20? 😆 Anyway, whatever year may come, BRING IT ON!

How to deal with your insecurities

You can’t.

LOL I’m joking.

But seriously tho, H O W?

Even until this very minutes I’m writing this, I still don’t know. I am a type of person who will hate myself for years everytime I make mistake, even a small, micro, nano mistake. And the problem is: I make a lot of mistakes. Everyday.

Do I hate myself? Probably I am, so much.

“It’s okay,” people said, “you are a human afterall, and human make mistakes” people said.

The thing is, I’m surprisingly very tolerant towards other people’s mistakes even if theirs affect me, however I am intolerating JUST MY OWN.

You make mistakes? Well it’s fine, we can try again later on.
I make mistakes? No, me. Just die, me.

I am a terrible person, aint I?

How can someone be so cruel to theirselves like this, I wondering.

And I realize, that’s rooted on my own insecurity. Well everybody has insecurity, I’m well aware. But to stop it harming yourself, I don’t know how.

So related to the title, well that’s a question that I don’t have the answer, guys. And here in real-life (yep, real life, not instagram life), I believe I’m not alone. So many people suffering from this too, agree?

So in order to help us all, if you think you have the answer, please talk to me 🙂

#LearnToday – Who Understands You Well

“No one can understand you better than yourself. No one.” people said.

But I said “There’s one. Allah.”

Allah understand you more than you think you understand yourself. And it’s obvious. Because from the very begining, you are His.

United.

Dear Allah,

Now it’s up to You.
About how and when.
About is or isn’t.
About I’m or I’m not.
About should or shouldn’t.
About who and where.

Because I, they, he, and she, we’re all just a human. We only desires, we only wanting. But we don’t know what is or isn’t right for us. We are stupid and blind.

But You are the only one who knows it all, right?

I know I always blaming You when everything’s went wrong. I always throwing my tantrums on You when I fell apart. But know this, Dear Allah, my love for You is real. And I know You love me too, because since the very beginning, I can feel it.

And now that our love towards each other is real, it’s all up to You, dear Allah. My life, my love, my soul, is in Your hand.

And I know it is on the right hand.

#Contemplations – Charity

What if someone doing a charity not for the person or animals or things in need, but for the shake of their own feeling? So that they can be happy, they can be content, they can be useful, they can be more ‘human’, despite of how broken and sorrowful they are.

Those are definitely not negative feelings at all, but is it still in line with the objective of charity itself?

Count Me In!

Prologue

I woke up early today, like, really. Intented to start morning run regularly (blame him because he honestly and innocently said I’m become fatter 😦 ) but it was raining so the plan has to be cancelled (yay) and I went back to snuggle in my white Ikea blanket and scrolling the instagram.

Instagram always become such a pinterest, youtube, and google for me in one nice pack. There’s a reason why my following number is one-thousand-something and it keeps growing. That particular social media platform is become like a creative web where an artist or creative people with creative ideas linked each other and become a wide source of inspiration.

I love instagram, I really do.

 

Main Story

So the thing is, I spent this morning to diligently sourcing and researching to create my own business. And it does feel right.

Every morning I constantly said that I don’t wanna work to other people anymore. I don’t need people telling me what to do in order to enrich other people’s business. Every. Single. Morning.

I want to do it myself, my own way. And no matter how.

So I gathered up every single pieces of puzzles and wondering how to get there and how to do it. And I’m swear it just the best feeling in the world.

I also found such a great account called Blueboot Farm which I instantly screenshot and sent to my boyfriend because it suits our educational background so well. I blabbered about it a lot just in a short time that he might be rolled his eyes and mumbled “here we go again…” when he read my chats.

Yes, beside impulsive, I’m also that irritating.

But guess what, the positive feeling pushed me to stand up and rise up with 1000% energy and went work happily. It seems like my whole life become much clearer and I can see what’ll coming. Such a nice nice feeling.

 

Epilogue

So, well, fellow local business owners, prepare to greet me because soon I’ll jump in to the game and have fun together.

I’m in!